Hell Circus

This is a rough draft for my creative writing class. I need a new ending. Sadly enough it was an ending put there just to end it. Im working on it though ive got the idea. Now if i can get that revision up anytime soon. Now that would be a miracle.

 

 

 

 

 

   It was warm. Warmer then any night in late February should ever be. The tossing wind blew the long intricately curled tendrils of my hair. The jacket that hung open and hap hazardly over my thin frame blowing open with each step I took. The air was filled with the sound of commotion, excitement, fear, and anticipation. Dim lighting from the stands and tents was the only thing keeping us from all walking in a state of opaque purgatory. The creatures danced and delighted the ones who had paid in full to see their performance; they tormented and chased the ones that didn’t have the potent stench of a Mercedes and fine private schooling tuition fees. The soft swishing of my jeans sounded loud and harsh to my ears. I didn’t want them to notice me. Their painted faces and decorative outfits passed by in a blur. Children varying in size, color, age, and annoyance scuttled by hoping to get the front row seat to the show. I wasn’t so excited. Small beads of sweat ran down my face and in the palms of my hand, sweat that could not be coming from the heat. The large tents muffled the sounds of the inhabitants inside them. I couldn’t force myself to look inside them. The dancing demons occasionally twirled their way inside a few of the tents they passed. They always came out following a screaming group of people. I was afraid. A haunting repeating rhythm poured out of the speakers sending waves of chills down my spine with each change in horrific pitch. My breathing came out in short deep huffs. My chest tightened painfully.

 

   I felt the rushing masses push past me heading for the place I had been dreading to reach. The main tent. It stood leagues above the others. The coloring matched the outspread smaller tents that had held the crowd’s attention just minutes before. But this was different. Large, menacing with dancing lights playing on the outside letting some of the contents hidden inside visible. I didn’t want to go there. My breath hitched and I tried to turn my body away, to leave to get out. But there were too many. Their mass carried me along with them like a bothersome purse hanging on the shoulder of a mother with one to many children to pay attention to. They carried with them till the edge of the entrance. I fell to the ground and shoved my whole body to the earth trying to draw myself into it so the rushing crowd wouldn’t suffocate me. I had hoped the ground would engulf me into it. Take me somewhere other then where I was. Looking up the crowd seemed to filter around me as if I was an invisible barrier that everyone could see and walked around. Their eyes were fixated on the scene that they saw when they entered. When the last of the mob passed quietly into the tent, I rose cautiously to my feet. My legs felt shaken, and weak. A deep rumbling erupted from behind the tent flaps that had swirled close behind the last body that had entered. My eyes darted fleetingly between the empty field and the red and white stripes. My legs carried me forward like a magnetic tug. My mind screamed furiously to turn the other way, but my legs refused to listen. The soft material of the flaps swished close behind me making sound that reminded me of the final deathly swoop of a guillotine. The room was dark. A single spot light playing on the center ring. All the faces in the room were covered in shadow but I could see them al staring at the center stage in such amusement. Small narrow steps separated the endless sea of bodies. Describing the room as silent would be in no way a comparison. No movement, no twitch of life came from the people surrounding me in the crowd. A gentle wisp of smoke curled around the center ring. It continued to curl upwards in a tornado like fashion, quick and deadly. A small spark flew from the ground and soon a figure stood in place of the smoke. His bow was graceful. A hat to large to be comfortable was held down in his hand. A gentleman is what he was trying to be, a gentleman instead of a demon.

 

  The crowd erupted in uniform clap. Not one out of beat and rhythm against the other. He curled himself out of his stance on one foot in a move that would have made any well trained ballerina green with envy. The hat I thought to large to be worn by any man perched easily on his head like a crown of pure gold. He danced around the stage in intricate movements; the crowd followed his motions with intensity. He would stop pull down his hat and they would clap again. Together, uniform, the uniqueness, and individuality completely drained from their bodies. The terror rose up in me like bile. Many of the creatures I had seen outside had come to join the man with a hat in the ring and danced and twirled around in some sort of pattern. I was horrified, mortified, terrified. The creatures began to separate themselves among the rows of stairs and I let out a horrific scream.

 

“Stay away from me!” My voice came out harsh and shaky, more soprano then I remember it being last.

  The spot light moved to me. I felt a sea of eyes wash over me. My outburst had made me the fixation of everyone’s attention. The humans, the creatures, and the demon turned their bodies to stare. I began to slowly move my feet backwards towards the entrance. On the stairs the creatures that stood in between the ring and myself parted quickly to let the figure brush past them. The man with the hat. He ascended towards me with such a grace that couldn’t be human. Within steps of me I could see the trimmings on his outfit, the rich darkness of his eyes, and the pungent smell of sulfur. He took of his hat and bounced it lightly on my head. His eyes wide and haunting drilled holes into my corneas.

 

“What….do you want with me?” Was all my voice could get out. It sounded pathetic to my ears. Funny I’m sure to his. A small grin had spread over his face.

 

   He placed his hat over my hands. A warm sensation covered my finger tips making them numb. His grin reached ear to ear as he began to pull the hat away. When he once again had the hat under his arm he whispered “Got your hands.”

 

   Confused I looked down. Where my hands had been was nothing but deformed stubs that caused terror and bile to rise in my throat. A scream caught itself in my throat as I tried to get away. The man with the hat bowed dropping his hat with him to the ground. The crowd once again erupted in one enormous cloud. It was piercing to my ears. On the ground I curled my legs around my body hoping to shield myself. The creatures swarmed in around me causing the light to be hidden and the darkness to creep in. I heard someone in the distant try and call my name, I tried to raise my head to see who it was but couldn’t move it against the force of everything else pushing me down. The sound grew louder and louder in my ears till it sounded more like a high pitched buzz then a person’s voice. As the monsters crashed down on top of me the world finally went black.

 

“Diana…..Diana come on wake up.”

 

The voice was clearer now. My eyes open with several forced blinks to the LED light that burned obnoxiously over my head.

 

“There you are sleepy head. I was wondering how long you were stay sleeping.” The voice was calm and comforting. “Have another bad dream?”

 

“Dream?” was all I could get out.

 

“Yeah bad dreams, nearly started to convulse in your bed you did. Had me worried sick. That’s why I woke you.” She gave me a pleasant smile that warmed something inside of me. My heart began to slow down and my pulse began to return to a normal rhythm.

 

“Of course it was just a dream.” I said with a small laugh.

 

“Of course it was.” She said returning that smile. “Now let’s change those bandages.”

 

“Bandages….what bandages…”

 

An eerie feeling filled my body as the man as I had seen in my dreams appeared in a white lab coat with a doctor’s pass clipped to his jacket. I held in a terrible scream.

 

“How’s my favorite little patient doing on this fine day.”

Author's Note

I wrote this for my creative writing class and got some good reviews...thought i would see what you think. I tried to play up the idea that the doctor and the nurses were the ringleader and clown like creatures. Her fears played up in an overexaggerated place. Let me know what you think

Reviews

[Melanie Jane Boicourt S..]

Oh my goodness. What do you mean that you do not have the ending yet? It is perfect. The story is brilliant and I see what you mean about poetry not really being your thing. Your poems were good but this story is awesome. I do not know if you wanted any help in the typo department but it is kindof a habit of mine and it makes me feel like I am actually helping if I point them out. Especially the ones that do not show up with spell check.
So here is what I noticed and you can do what you want with it.

"of a mother with one to many children to pay attention to"

Should be 'one too many children'

"but I could see them al staring at the center stage in such amusement."

'all'

" The hat I thought to large to be worn by any man perched easily on his head like a crown of pure gold."
'The hat, I thought 'too' large to be wornby any man, perched easily on his head...' I believe it should be separated with commas.

"He would stop pull down his hat and they would clap again.
'He would stop, pull down his hat and they would clap again.' I am not sure about this one but it does seem to need at least one comma. You are the one in a writing class so you may know better.

"Together, uniform, the uniqueness, and individuality completely drained from their bodies."
This sentence should not have a comma after uniqueness. You usually do not have a comma and the word 'and' together.

" The man with the hat. "
This is not a sentence and may need to be combined with the sentence before or after it. or maybe just use it in the next sentence and remove the 'He'. Or just put "It was the man in the hat."


"I was wondering how long you were stay sleeping"
'would stay sleeping'

"Yeah bad dreams, nearly started to convulse in your bed you did. "

I would separate this into two or three sentences. It doesn't matter that they wouldn't be true sentences because they are actual quotes of what she said. The subjects are then implied.
"Yeah, bad dreams. Nearly started to convulse in your bed you did.

I hope that you do not take any offence to my critique. I only do that because I myself appreciate when people point those things out to me.
Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed the story very much and I believe you will get and excellent grade.
Love All, Mejasha

[J. Marc]

Excellent story! Very well written in the sense that one reads it from beginning to the end without interruption. And with thrills!!!

The subject has indeed already been treated but your originality lies in the sequencing of the events and the very witty sentences (like "Children varying in size, color, age, and annoyance" or "He curled himself out of his stance on one foot in a move that would have made any well trained ballerina green with envy.). Maybe add some more of those in the section where there are many dialogues.

Some other reviewers might suggest that the balance between narration and dialogue be not so evident, dividing the story into two. I would just suggest (if need be) that you could add more descriptions about the physical surroundings of the main character in other to fudge powerful mental images into the mind of the readers. Just suggestions.

Overall: good introduction, very good creation of an atmosphere, excellent development of the subject and overall, perfect cohesion of the story. Also thank you for not putting blood scene everywhere. It has become a disease with some other writers in this forum!

A couple of very minor typing errors:
Warmer then should be warmer than
half hazardly s.b. half haphazardly
with one to many children s.b. with one too many children
other then where I was s.b. other than where I was
A hat to large to s.b. A hat too large to
I thought to large to be worn s.b. I thought too large to be worn
more soprano then I s.b. more soprano than I
smell of sulphur s.b. smell of sulphur
buzz then a person's s.b. buzz than a person's

[Sorrow The Dark]

i can see why it has good reviews, it is really good the story flows at a nice pace, it has a alice in wonderland feel to it i think, but all in all good job a very well written piece of art.

welcome to the cafe too (in case nobody else has already said welcome)