I love this poem! Above all, here are the things I liked:
-That first line...very beautiful, thought-provoking image! The almost-but-not-quite rhyme with the next line is very striking as well.
-The concept of a flower that un-blooms is also intriguing. It brings up the "point" of the poem immediately, and you can't help but wonder, why is this flower shrinking?
-The sunny days/moonlit nights phrase is also interesting. To me, this means that the flower's light comes from inside it.
-That transition from "Adam and Eve" to "No-no-no-no!" is great! It really brings up the image of someone saying something, and then someone else arguing back.
-Very interesting ending; makes me wonder what the flower represents!
Now, there were some things that could be improved--they definitely don't ruin the poem, it's still wonderful, but they are some things to keep in mind!
-It could be that this went over my head, but in an otherwise tightly bound-together poem, I did not quite understand the purpose of the second phrase. Lovely images, for sure, but perhaps a little out of place!
-Maybe this was intentional in order to turn something upside down as the theme of the poem goes, but the line "Photosynthesize the water" is strange because flowers don't photosynthesize water! Rather, they photosynthesize food FROM carbon dioxide and water by using light...oops! :) The word is photo (light) synthesize (make), to make something with light. If a flower were to photosynthesize water, this would mean that it was making water with light. Maybe this is me being crazy about biology, but it broke the immersion a tiny bit for me--I could definitely see it being changed for something that turns the process upside down in another way, something about how the flower works backwards, making the light that it was described as having in the previous phrase ("I shine equally bright") out of water and carbon dioxide. That would make for an interesting twist!
Overall, great work with this--a very fresh and original piece! :D
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Thank you for your input. I like writing poems and this one sort of just came into my head one day. .. read moreThank you for your input. I like writing poems and this one sort of just came into my head one day. When I wrote it I had an idea of a flower living its life-cycle in reverse. Kind of like the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The flower starts off grand and gargantuan to the point where smaller flowers grow underneath it. For me the smaller flowers represent diversity. We live in time of globalization and interdependence. I had forgot about photosynthesizes and didn't double check how it works. (Tried to remember about the process but the last time I studied about it was Elementary lol.) I enjoy watching nature especially trees and flowers. Maybe in a past life I was a botanist. Anyway I thank you for your constructive criticism, it helps a lot.
7 Years Ago
That is a lovely idea--I can definitely see the image you were putting forward! And I agree--trees a.. read moreThat is a lovely idea--I can definitely see the image you were putting forward! And I agree--trees and flowers are really cool... Could be that you weren't a botanist, but rather, a flower in that past life of yours! Hmmm.....
But anyway, you're very welcome! Great poem!!
I love this poem! Above all, here are the things I liked:
-That first line...very beautiful, thought-provoking image! The almost-but-not-quite rhyme with the next line is very striking as well.
-The concept of a flower that un-blooms is also intriguing. It brings up the "point" of the poem immediately, and you can't help but wonder, why is this flower shrinking?
-The sunny days/moonlit nights phrase is also interesting. To me, this means that the flower's light comes from inside it.
-That transition from "Adam and Eve" to "No-no-no-no!" is great! It really brings up the image of someone saying something, and then someone else arguing back.
-Very interesting ending; makes me wonder what the flower represents!
Now, there were some things that could be improved--they definitely don't ruin the poem, it's still wonderful, but they are some things to keep in mind!
-It could be that this went over my head, but in an otherwise tightly bound-together poem, I did not quite understand the purpose of the second phrase. Lovely images, for sure, but perhaps a little out of place!
-Maybe this was intentional in order to turn something upside down as the theme of the poem goes, but the line "Photosynthesize the water" is strange because flowers don't photosynthesize water! Rather, they photosynthesize food FROM carbon dioxide and water by using light...oops! :) The word is photo (light) synthesize (make), to make something with light. If a flower were to photosynthesize water, this would mean that it was making water with light. Maybe this is me being crazy about biology, but it broke the immersion a tiny bit for me--I could definitely see it being changed for something that turns the process upside down in another way, something about how the flower works backwards, making the light that it was described as having in the previous phrase ("I shine equally bright") out of water and carbon dioxide. That would make for an interesting twist!
Overall, great work with this--a very fresh and original piece! :D
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Thank you for your input. I like writing poems and this one sort of just came into my head one day. .. read moreThank you for your input. I like writing poems and this one sort of just came into my head one day. When I wrote it I had an idea of a flower living its life-cycle in reverse. Kind of like the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The flower starts off grand and gargantuan to the point where smaller flowers grow underneath it. For me the smaller flowers represent diversity. We live in time of globalization and interdependence. I had forgot about photosynthesizes and didn't double check how it works. (Tried to remember about the process but the last time I studied about it was Elementary lol.) I enjoy watching nature especially trees and flowers. Maybe in a past life I was a botanist. Anyway I thank you for your constructive criticism, it helps a lot.
7 Years Ago
That is a lovely idea--I can definitely see the image you were putting forward! And I agree--trees a.. read moreThat is a lovely idea--I can definitely see the image you were putting forward! And I agree--trees and flowers are really cool... Could be that you weren't a botanist, but rather, a flower in that past life of yours! Hmmm.....
But anyway, you're very welcome! Great poem!!