struggles

everyday struggles of a teenage girl

see, my problem is that once I fall for someone, I tend to go a million miles an hour. & I fall way too fast! I take the littlest thing & take it as a sign from God that we're meant to be, give my everything to the guy & then let the littlest thing piss me off & give up on the entire thing. I'm just sick & tired of having to live up to everyone's expectations of being perfect & not crazy & this sweet little girl. I'm weird & I want kids & I'm like mentally 25, I'm ready to move out & start a family but I'm only 18 & I can't do it...

I constantly feel lonely & need reassurance all the time that I'm not too fat & that I'm good enough for someone, anyone at all. I want a happily ever after. I'm disgustingly incapable of carrying on a relationship with someone that I actually like. I'm so ashamed of my body & my past, I honestly wish I had never lost my virginity. ever since my first relationship, I've been so fucked up. yes, I get attached when I have sex with someone... it's a natural chemical reaction, I can't help it. I always think it's gonna be more than it ends up as. it f*****g sucks. especially when they say they wanna be something with me & then don't answer me for days on end with no explanation whatsoever.

I'm ashamed of my body, how many people I've had sex with, how gullible & trusting I am...like with a guy I worked with, I should have expected it. he played me, as well as two other girls who I worked with, all at the same time. I should've known he was gonna screw me over, but I gave myself to him anyways. I'm such a sucker for sweet talking. no matter how I feel about a guy, it will always make me fall for them. it's an endless cycle. I hate them, they sweet talk me, I like them, I give myself to them, I fall way too hard, & then I let them screw me over so I'm right back to hating them. my friends even warn me that it's gonna happen, & I know they're right, but I can't seem to stop myself before it does. I hate being judged for who I sleep with & how many people I have, but I know they're right to judge me. I would judge someone else for doing the same exact things that I do, yet I continue on. I would think " oh she's such a w***e. she has no self respect. wouldn't she see that coming from such an a*****e? she has no reason to be upset, she put herself in that situation. I hope she gets pregnant & her life is ruined. maybe that'll teach her to stop whoring around."

I find flaws in any sweet, respectful guy that I meet. I'm not good enough for the Christian guys because I'm not a virgin anymore & all they want is someone who's clean & innocent. I wish I could go back to being 16, & do it all over again. if I knew then how I would feel now, I wouldn't do any of it. I wouldn't fall for every guy that liked me, I wouldn't have lost my virginity to a guy who didn't know the first thing about being in a relationship. I wouldn't try to fix all the messed up guys that I thought were cute... & I definitely wouldn't have slept with 10 people in two years. I told myself that I would never let it get past 3, then past 5, past 7 & so on. here I find myself wondering if I'll ever find a guy who can accept all my flaws, someone that I won't be ashamed to tell about my past & will respect me enough to not just be another guy added to an ongoing list of mistakes. but then I think to myself, no one wants damaged goods. no one wants a girl that's been with 10 guys, a girl who has trust issues & problems with her own body. no one wants a girl who isn't skinny, who isn't pretty without her hair done & her makeup on, & especially who still calls herself a Christian after all the mistakes she's made.

why do I have all these problems? I don't have daddy issues, I've never been raped; I grew up in such a loving household. if girls look for guys like their fathers, what does that say about me? do I see my father as an irresponsible, drug addicted, womanizer? & if guys look for girls like their mother, what does that say about me? do they see me as a w***e? an easy lay? someone who can't commit? I can only hope none of these things are true. I am so lucky to have the parents that I have, to have grown up in such a suburban dream. I had everything I ever needed, a home, a full stomach, a car, a phone, a job.

yeah, my sisters a little crazy.

but is sleeping around my way of getting attention since I can't get it from my own family? it's an every day struggle, being a girl in today's world. you can't win no matter what you do.