She

She

By

Jose M. Euvin

 

I sit there watching her once again

Wondering

Where’s she going?

Where’s she from?

Where did she come from?

Who can she be?

 

I heard her name many times before

But yet

I still don’t know who she is

 

She sits there quietly and often smiles

She looks like she hurts inside

What pain does she hide?

Under those immense eyes

 

Who can she feel for?

Or who has done her wrong

Why if not this man

Than who

 

I sit here and stare once again

Still trying to figure out

Why that sudden smile

Masked with so much pain

 

I dare not ask

For I rather wonder

And sit here as I watch her

Unfold in front of me

 

Her smile says much

Her eyes tell her story

 

Yet her lips never moved!

 

Reviews

[Spoken]

Some suggestions:

I site (sit) there watching her once again

Where she's going?
Where she's from?

"Where's she going?"
"Where's she from?"

the way you wrote it means 'where she is going' 'where she is from' which isn't really a question... more like a statement.

I head (heard) her name many times before
But yet
I still don't know who she's is (she is)... the apostrophe 's' reads as "she is is"

That said....

I dare not ask
For I rather wonder
And sit here as I watch her
Unfold in front of me

Her smile says much
Her eyes tell her story

Yet her lips never moved!

I love these lines. the image of her "unfolding in front of you" very nice. Just so you know I only point out these grammar mishaps to help, but it doesn't take away from the poem, for me, at all. I often have reviews of people telling me how I misspelled this, that, or the other... and I'm grateful, so don't take it negatively I really enjoy your work!

[~ Tex]

I've read the other reviews, and Spoken's review is well done and detailed, so it needs no further help with suggestions.

What I would say is that I pictured myself sitting on a bus, perhaps in Chicago where mass transit is a way of life for everyone really, and hearing such words running through my mind as I gaze upon this women across from me. That being said, to me, it's an effective piece because it put a very real image in my mind, which is usually my personal test of whether or not a piece of writing is effective. It matters not so much that someone puts "their" image of what they're saying in my mind, because everything written is subsequently perceived and interpreted through the personal background and life experiences of each reader. Is the write vivid? Is it believable, even if it's fantasy (which has it's own rules, so to speak)? If it is, then I see what I read... and that means I was engaged and the write was effective in reaching out and touching me.

As for the suggestions, as I read, I tend, like most, to automatically correct for what I should be reading rather than what is written. That can make editing difficult for the novice, but it does make reading for concept much easier. The advantage of being ADHD is being able to read from both sides at the same time. LOL I like this write.

[Emily B]

Perception on hyper drive. An intriguing write. With words. :-)

[Natalie C]

Oh wow, this has to be a favorite to me. I loved the way you allowed this piece to progress. Specially with the soft undertones of tenderness coming from the observer, almost as if he known her for years and yet, not really. Admiring her from afar, watching carefully as her life unfolds in front of his ever-watchful eyes. I found the small little details, brilliant� the characters determination and I almost want to say obsession with this women who has been hurt so bad, that it makes it so hard for him to ignore.

[April Child]

This is lovely and mysterious. I wonder if this is how the Mona Lisa came about...

[angelina neves]

a very beautiful picture... and my imagination goes wondering!

[Stacy A. Foster]

The imagination can run wild, can't it? This reminds me of some who like to people watch in malls. You have to have a good sense of empathy to play the game, so to speak. I think the last line would have hit me better if it read: "Yet her lips never moved..." It would trail to get the reader wondering as well.

I think we can tell a lot from looking into someone's eyes. Some are cold, soft, some seem like they have nothing behind them at all. Maybe I'll write about eyes sometime soon. See, your writing has inspired me! :)

"She sits there quietly and often smiles
She looks like she hurts inside
What pain does she hide?
Under those immense eyes"

There's a mystery here and we want to solve it.

Nice!
Stacy

[El-Enano]

I love the way you describe her, is like you are seing her for the first time and maybe the last, you are drowing in her extacy. She comsumes the room and theirs nothing left but you and her.

[Suzanne C. Suber]

I pictured you watching her, yet unseen. Seeing the tears drop without sobbing. Heart-wrenching pain that tears at the soul when a loved one is lost to us. We try to smile while the pain holds back the reins.
Well done!
Suzanne

[Crystal]

You "paint" the pictures well as the imagination flickers to life. This is a good write.

[R J Askew]

Hmm, enigmatic. And the strong curiosity I like. Most things seem to start with curiosity. It seems such a fundamental human trait. And the poem brims with curiosity...of course the trouble often starts when we start to find out!