Chapter 1

A Chapter by zandriamaria

I said no and he raped me! Shawn raped me! as hard as it is to say its even harder to forget. 3 nights ago I went out because my mom and I was getting into it again. I wanted to run away so I did it! I ran away. I went to a local strip club got intoxicated and sat there until I couldn't anymore. In my heart I couldn't go home, I didn't want to go home. My mothers house was no home to me. It was approximately 2 a.m when I called my boyfriend to see if he would answer and give me a place to lay my heavy heart. My boyfriend didn't answer. Then, I texted him. Shawn was a handsome man I met when me and my boyfriend broke up. Overtime I grew feelings for him but inside I was still in love with my boyfriend and Shawn was a w***e. I knew he would answer, I knew he would send a uber and I knew he'd give me a place to fall asleep for the night. He was being mean and said "ask your boyfriend for a uber" and "wheres your boyfriend" and "call your boyfriend". It was already hard enough being in my relationship, bad enough my day was horrible. I just wanted to lay down, clear my mind, get away from all troubles. Shawn had been in his feelings about me and my boyfriend getting back together because I stopped talking and hanging with him. Better yet, I stopped going over for our heated f**k sessions! Luckily he sent my uber and on my way to Shawn house I was. When I arrived my body felt uneasy. I doubted I should've even showed up a hundred times. Sadly, in my heart I felt I had nowhere else to lay my head. Although Shawn was a w***e, I cared for him. I had feelings one day, we could've been together. Felt like I was torn between two feelings. Once I arrived Shawn started pressuring me for sex. Yes, our sex was amazing but me and my boyfriend were still together so I brushed him off and said no. I can feel he was upset and attitude went up to an all time high. I wanted to tell him how I was feeling but he was a w***e on the outside, couldn't tell his feelings on the inside unless he was inside of me or damn near close to it. I was in love with a w***e, I was in love with ghost, I was in love with dreams, I was in love with make believe. I turned my back, laid down, cried until I couldn't feel it anymore and fell fast asleep.

Once morning hit. Shawn started pressuring me for sex again and I responded with no. First he grabbed my neck and tried to force me to suck his dick and I refused. Then he grabbed lube, rubbed it on his dick and proceeded to put a condom on. I responded with "I don't know why your putting a condom on because I'm not having sex" and he ignored me. All I can remember was being grabbed, fighting him off, hearing him cry "please" in my ear, my wig being pulled off and the force of his dick go inside. Once he had given up completely I guess cause I kept say "get off me" we got up and I asked for a uber. Shawn started saying things like "why would you come over here so late?" , "we use to share ubers, I'd send for you and you'd send yourself back" and the list goes on. I just calmly got dressed with so much heart ache in my chest. Of course I argued back but I was more hurt than anything else. I felt my body just moving. I was completely numb. I loved him!! I cared!! How could he do that?? How could you not tell my refusing meant something? Shawn walked me outside and left me there. No uber, no apology, no nothing. I was in disbelief. I said no once and he raped me. Shawn and I began sending texts arguing back and forth he sent recordings of me, threatened if I went to the police he'd show them the video of me putting my clothes on and called me disgusting names. Why would he do this to me? I've been nothing but nice through everything. Shawn wasn't a saint and the disrespect he shown you would've thought he was the one who was hurt. All i could do was sit and cry. For many reasons, one I wanted my boyfriend from the beginning, I trusted this man and now how would I explain all of this thats happened? Two, I had been raped and molested as a child and it struck a never ending nerve in me. It's like my head went in circle for hours and hours. I had forgotten I was raped as a child. Imagine a memory with no face. A face you remember but don't want to remember. Why me? Why do I have this complicated life and people like them who don't deserve to be anything have it all. I can never tell these secrets, I can never snitch on these men. They made me love them. I can't face people I love and put them in jail. So, I sat there broke, alone, misused, abused and feeling worthless. All feelings I been feeling my whole life. When do my happy start begins? When will I be more than a girl from sexual relations? When will someone hear my cry? What is wrong with me? Why did this happen to me?