of confusion

life and it's in and outs

Of confusion :::

We are the creators, the nurturers, and the destroyers. We are uncontainable, untamable, and unbreakable. We are the beautiful, the ugly, the gracious, the ferocious, and everything in between and beyond.

We put the ‘super’ in Superwoman and the ‘wonder’ in Wonder Woman.

The anatomy of a woman was designed to bear. Bear life. Bear love. Bear beauty. Bear pain. Bear injustice. Bear the weight of the world.

Our hearts hold more hurt than they can carry. They may be broken, but they still beat just fine. Our hearts hold an ocean of love, but once that ocean has been poisoned with hate, it can drown everyone who dares touch our shores.

At times, our breasts feel like weights we carry upon our chests, holding us down as we try to escape the clutches of lustful monsters. At times, our breasts feel like accessories to an unforgivable crime we have committed by the virtue of being born as women, so we try to hide them away from the world behind tight, uncomfortable cloth cages, smothering them. Our breasts are inappropriate content. Our breasts are banned, banished, shamed, and blamed.

Our breasts can start a scandal, a war, a revolution.We change every moment. I am not the person I was a minute ago. Perceptions change, thoughts change, and even superstitions change I no longer love the songs, movies, or the brand of deodorant I used to love a year ago.My perception on whether I believe in ‘love at first sight’ has driven past the romantic highway, come back after a U-turn and then stopped at the heart-broken signal.

I no longer like my best friend. I still find him cool and want to have a beer with him. But when we speak, I feel like we both have grown to different intellectual spheres galaxies away.Who am I?Am I trapped in someone else’s life? Or Am I lost on the route to discover myself?

I stop to take a break from the heavy dose of thoughts. I rewind and read what I have just written. Before I could resume pondering on those questions, I have changed yet again.Being single is hard; not because you need someone to lean on, someone to love, someone who would love you, but because how much people around you try to make you realise that you better find someone soon or you’ll end up alone.Start loving yourself, and love yourself so much that you don’t need anybody else’s love. Stop needing someone to love you and tell you how wonderful you are. You’re amazing enough, stop needing someone to validate your existence.Stop chasing love. Stop settling for what you get based on comparisons. You deserve so much more than what you’ve settled for. You’re worth so much more.And this is because often when you start getting into relationships just for the sake of being in one, you start failing at them. What results is a series of mishaps, a long string of failed relationships, and in the end, the false realisation that there is something wrong with you; that you drive people away; that you’ll never be good enough for anyone to stay.I am not a very focused person, nor self-assured. My thoughts, my imagination tends to run away every day at every point.

I can never urge my mind to believe that I am good at something, even if everyone says that I am.

My willpower is very low, and I give up at the slightest of failures, the littlest of rejections.

No matter how tough I pretend to be, I’m a little more than sensitive at times and even very petty, stupid things hurt me.

I am very ashamed of my weaknesses, and not nearly half as proud of my strengths.

I am pathetic at times. Pitiful. Vulnerable. Stupid.

And yet, when I am trapped in my own mind, fighting my own battles with multiple things at the same time, when I want nothing more than to quit; I fall. I fall very hard.“How much do you love me?” she often used to ask me.

The question always stumped me, even more than “Am I looking fat in this dress?” or “What shall I cook for dinner?”

I never got the right answers to those questions either. But for every wrong answer I gave her for those questions, I walked a step closer to the right answer.I sometimes even managed to deflect the dangerous questions towards a romantic ambience. And in that moment of bliss, she would look in me the eyes and ask me again. “How much do you love me?”

As usual, I had nothing to say. What could have I said when I myself had no idea? I could have said that I love you as much as there are stars out there. But I was afraid of the fact that one day scientists would accurately count the number of stars and my love would diminish in value.

Hence, I would stay blank thinking about the extent of my love for her. I  I could have said that I love you as much as there are stars out there. But I was afraid of the fact that one day scientists would accurately count the number of stars and my love would diminish in value.

Hence, I would stay blank thinking about the extent of my love for her. I could never give her a decent answer. I could never figure out how much I loved her.

Now that she has left me, I realise I was right. I never knew how much I loved her and I never will. Of all the quantifiable things in the world, love is not one of them. Either you love someone or you don’t. There is no middle ground.What do we usually do when someone who means a lot to us, leaves us?

We don’t usually search for ways to let go. We don’t usually look for ways to lessen our hurt.

Instead, we search for the songs that remind us of them and listen to them on repeat. We watch movies that make us fantasise of what could have been. We go to the places where we used to spend time with them and let the hurt, the pain of losing someone who meant the world to us consume us. It is like a poison to our bones, but we let it flow, because something needs to replace the love that we hold inside of us for that person, and bitterness does the job very well.

More often than not, we shut ourselves from the world, not letting anyone share our pain because even this hurt is a memory that we have of the ones who have left, and we don’t want to keep it for ourselves.

Author's Note

Just ask that if you felt like reading this and want to comment just say what ever you feel

Reviews

[barleygirl]

The thing that stands out about your writing right away is when you use a trilogy of ideas in a row, in multiple ways, multiple places. This is an interesting style & the actual descriptions you use are very original & unexpected. Another thing I love about your writing is the way you state things that are relatable in ways that are uncommon & thought-provoking. The thing that's a little confusing is the way your perspective is wandering . . . first it's a commentary about women in general, later it becomes a lecture aimed at "you" (you should do this & you should do that), later yet it goes to a seemingly male first person ("I") and then it becomes an inclusive couple ("we"). These constantly changing perspectives make it hard to follow your overall commentary. But your thoughts are well conveyed otherwise (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Kathy Van Kurin]

"of confusion"
Danny,
this was an honest portayal of the process within change. Change is part of life. Our lives are an ongoing quest for affirmation and a need to give as well as affirm others. No easy answers I know but that is part of this life quest. Your story is a essay on your own experience. You have a separate view which shows all through this piece.
We are all different and our very value is in our differences but we are similar too. Affirmation and a place to find solitude and peace really matters. I hope you find some peace of heart and mind. Your soul is the seat of where the glory of God longs to shine and love you. God made you.
blessings,
Kathy

[Laura Grigoras]

"We are uncontainable, untamable, and unbreakable. ", such a beautiful description!

[danny]

cheers very much

[danny]

Misery is addictive. The feeling that nobody is there for us is addictive. And sometimes, we try to replace the addiction to some person with this addiction to hurt.