My Mask

What no one really knows

You don’t know what’s behind the mask.

I wake up everyday forcing myself to smile.

They pass me in the halls they don’t know what I am really thinking: stupid, not worth it, go crawl in a hole and die...... but no I can’t let them know, I just smile and ask how they are, 

you really think this is the real me..... 

sometimes I feel like no one knows the real me.

Would they even care if they knew the real me.

They don’t understand,

They ask if I’m ok, of course I say I’m fine.....

No one knows how I’m struggling to pay attention in class, how I feel so alone all the time.

How I can’t even do my homework at home because I just wanna sleep and never wake up. 

How I try to go to school but I can’t even get out of bed.

They don’t know how I put so much effort into my work and I only get B’s, they don’t know I’m forgetting my work because I’m living in two houses. 

They don’t know I’m reliving my dogs death everyday and there’s nothing I can do each time. 

They don’t know I can’t sleep without meds, that I have been having panic attacks every night, That I can’t have scissors in my room, that there’s nothing anyone can do..... they don’t know I’ve been like this since I was 7.

Why should they know any of this? 

Why should someone know that I’m struggling to get out of bed or to go to the bathroom, that I haven’t eaten in weeks or when I force myself to shower I can’t even finish it.

Who needs to know, who needs to know how every night I fight with myself because I can’t hurt anyone but my brain is fine with hurting me. No one needs to know. 

Right? 

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

I feel very sad for you reading this Zoe. The first thing is that you are not alone. Many of these people that pass you and smile are feeling the same as you. What I've found is that if you can let your smile slip and just reveal a bit of your pain, they nearly always respond. It doesn't always work but many of the people you see are hurting just as much and just as desperate to make a human contact.
Good luck! Alan