Sarah Rose & The Winter's Curse

Sarah Rose & The Winter's Curse

A Story by Ashish
"

This is a story of a girl, her emotions, her feelings and the relation of winter with her life.

"


     Sarah Rose and The Winter’s Curse


 


 


 

That day was a chilly winter morning, as usual and all the signboards of the city were completely and the houses were covered partially by milky snow. The trees looked like they were wearing white shawls. Hardly any animals or birds could be seen outside as the temperature was approximately -5oC. The leaves of the trees were swaying by the cold breeze.


 


“Wake up honey…It’s already seven” Mrs Julia said, in a very sharp voice.


 


She was cooking something in the kitchen which had a delicious smell. Most probably she was cooking omelets or hot bacon or sausage. Even a pan cake or hot sticky noodles was possible in that cold winter morning. She was a fit lady with blonde hair which was hardly touching her waist. She was looking gorgeous in a leather tawny jacket with black boots. As soon as her work finished in the kitchen she moved swiftly towards the upstairs and opened the door of a room finally, after knocking three times.


 


That room was not similar to normal rooms. The color of the room was light pink and there was a bed with soft pink cushion. The unusual part of the room was the posters which were stuck to the wall. Both printed and painted posters including sketches of black and colored pencils were making the room mysterious. The characters that were appearing on the posters were popular among children.


 


“Sarah! We have to go honey...Now please get up” Mrs Rose asked a little girl.


 


The little girl was sleeping under a thick polyester white blanket, and a book was gripped by her hand loosely. She gave no answer and continued to sleep under the blanket like a baby tortoise.


 


“Miss Hermione Granger!!! Wake up…It’s time for your school, we are getting late for Hogwarts” Mrs Julia whispered in the ear of the tiny one.


 


“Hogwarts!!!” The girl shouted, and sat up in the bed with a straight back. Her eyes grew wider, just by having heard the name, and her pink cheeks went pinker.


 


Without wasting any time, she ran into the bathroom and started brushing her teeth, had a hurried shower and dressed quickly. She wore a white shirt and emerald green skirt. Then she wore her emerald green jacket which had a symbol of an ancient soldier on the pocket. She also wore a brown thick woolen sweater on her mother’s demand as the cold was severe. She looked like a teddy bear in that sweater in that sweater. She got her legs inside their school socks and Mrs Julia helped her to tie the lace of her shoes.


 


Sarah Rose, an eight years old girl, who was studying in standard two of King’s Edward School, Birmingham. Her mother was a teacher in that school. She teaches Chemistry to high school students. They lived in Flat no.17, Dallas Colony, Mann Square, Birmingham. Sarah was living with her mother since she was a toddler.  She had never seen her father as her parents were not living together. She only had some photos which she had kept with her in a secret place that not even Mrs. Rose had any information about that. Sometimes, she’d heard her mother quarrelling with her father over the phone. Then she’d heard her mother sobbing. Sarah loved her mum so much, she hated seeing her upset and wanted to make her happy.  Whenever she asked about her father Mrs.Rose dramatically used to change the topic.


 


She was crazy about Harry Potter and his world. All the posters, paintings and sketches were of Harry Potter and all the characters of that movie. She even completed the second novel, Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secret, two days before and now continuing the third part. Sarah had also won first prize in her school for the sketch of Hermione Granger or we can say Emma Watson. She wanted to be like Hermione Granger and blindly followed her. She always came first in her class, she was intelligent, she had also curly blonde hair, she answers all the questions of teachers and of course she was not good at sports just like Hermione.


 


Sarah had never liked winter. Every year when winter arrived, she felt as though this would finally be the year that she would go to Hogwarts and learn magic like Hermione.


 


“Mama…where’s my noodlette?” Sarah asked hungrily.


 


“Yeah baby! Here is your favorite noodlette” Mrs Rose served a plate to Sarah which was something like a mix of noodles and omelets.


 


“Wowww…it’s so tasty” Sarah said while she picked a spoon of sticky hot noodles.  


 


She finished her breakfast and ran to the car which was slightly covered by snow. They had a Ford Fiesta.


 


Peinnnnnn!!!!” Sarah was continuously blowing the horn of the car.


 


Mama, come quickly! We have to go!” Sarah was shouting loudly like she was declaring to whole colony.


 


Mrs Rose started the Ford Fiesta and it slowly passed the Dallas Colony and moved towards the school. Whilst Mrs Rose drove the car, Sarah was enjoying the snowy scenery of outside. The surrounding roads, trees and signboards glistened with a fresh coat of glistening frosty white snow. Sarah was busy in making cloud on the glass of the car by her cold breath, and making drawings of smiley on it. The big, burly security guard that patrolled the school gates had wrapped himself up in a heavy woolen jacket, and the big gate was like a gigantic white gate of heaven in fairy tales. Mrs. Rose parked the car.


 


“Sarah!” someone called from behind.


The little girl recognised the voice immediately, it’s James. Her cheeks were turned pinker by watching him. James, a boy with shiny black round glasses, brown hair which was properly combed and having dimples in his cheeks was the best friend of Sarah. Many times Sarah wanted to have dimples like him and for that she put her index finger of the little right hand on her cheeks and twirled and twirled but she never got any result from that.


She and James read in same class.  They both met three months before as Mr. Morris, step father of James transferred to the Royal Bank of Birmingham recently. They were originally from Spain. That day James had worn a large brown overcoat on the school jackets. Sarah ran to James. Mrs. Rose had no other choice except to follow her.


“Good morning Mrs. Rose” James greeted cheerfully to Mrs Rose.


 


“Good morning sweetheart…” Mrs Rose said kindly.


 


“How’s Sarah’s doing Mrs. Rose?” Mr. Morris said coldly.


 


“James’s grades are regularly upsetting me…” He groaned.


 


“Well! Sarah is doing really well and I think James needs a little parental guidance.” Mrs. Rose said to Mr. Morris kindly. Then she took the kids into the school. She dropped them to their class.


 


 “See you honey after school…” She said her and kissed in her chubby cheeks.


 


The atmosphere in the room was frosty, and to conserve body heat the kids were huddled together. Sarah and James had no choice left but to sit on the last bench.


 


“Goooooood mooooooorrrrrning Teeeeeachhhhher!!!” All kids stood up and greeted a young lady in a rhyming manner. She must be in her twenties. She had worn a blue suit and a blue slacks and a black overcoat. Her grey eyes were enough to strike fear into the hearts of her students and her tightly wound bun of brown hair was tied according to the school rules.


 


“So I think you all have completed your homework, haven’t you?” She asked blatantly.


 


“Nooooooo hommeewoorrk teeeeeeachhhhher” A large number of kids answered back in the same rhyming manner.


 


“No teacher!…You had given us an essay to write about Winter in 200 words and also fifth chapter’s all questions and answers of our English Text book volume-II.” Sarah told eagerly and the rest of the class was staring to her.


 


“Hmm…Thank you Sarah…Lets see… how all of you have done your homework”


 


“Don’t you shut your mouth or you want me to shut that up?” Sarah heard a husky voice from the boy who was sitting in front of her. That boy was the greatest enemy of Sarah. He always teases her and put her in trouble. Sarah doesn’t like him.


 


“I think you should shut your small witty mouth” Sarah snapped him back.


 


Do you know what my greatest wish is? I wish that I don’t have to see your ugly baby face every day. I wish, you should not be in our class, we are fine without you, and at least there will be no informer of teacher…” He mumbled, with a very ugly expression on his face.


 


“Shut your mouth Blade!”James said with a stern look.


 


“Oh…Do you have any problem, Mr. Spain” Blade chortled but someone was patting on his soldier.


 


“Excuse me Mr. Gallows…Will you do me a favor by showing me your copy?” Everyone sensed the simmering anger of their teacher. Same happened with Blade Gallows. He gawked at her as he hadn’t written even a single word.


 


“Except Miss Rose…None of you had completed your homework. You must be thinking all of this is a joke, right? Hold on… All of your parents will be informed about this.” The young lady yelled at the students. She left the class immediately to inform the Principal. After her departure all the students yelled at Sarah.


 


“You happy Sarah!” A girl with a sharp nose and short hair snapped her.


 


“My Dad will ground me in the earth if he knows this…”


It took Sarah a moment to realize who the speaker it was. It was a boy called Holmes, who seldom spoke, and that’s what prompted Sarah to realize just how serious the situation was. 


 


She’s such a teacher’s pet” the tallest boy, who was the class monitor of their class, told her boldly.


 


“It makes her superior, isn’t that right, Sarah?” Baily, a girl with two ponytails in her head with silver hair, academic rival of Sarah, mocked at her.


 


 She didn’t mean to get any of you in trouble, I swear!James said desperately but everyone resolutely ignored him with a stony silence.


 


Sarah couldn’t hold back her tears anymore. She was feeling victimize for all of that. She was hearing all of their words by bowing her head and half filled teary eyes. Each word was snatching her like sharp pointed needles.


 


She ran immediately from her class to Girl’s Bathroom. It was a well maintained, marble surfaced room. There was a big mirror on the wall. She locked herself in.  No one was there. The sound of water drops were clearly ringing to Sarah’s ear. She cried there for more than ten minutes. She never tried to hurt anyone. She didn’t want to get anyone into trouble. She had just told the truth but no one understood her except James. She washed her hands. The water was like ice bars which made her hands numb and she could hardly feel her little fingers. But the thought of her angry classmates’ faces was enough to bring fresh tears to her eyes again.


 


Suddenly she heard a foot step coming quickly towards the bathroom. She tried to remove her tears by her hands quickly. The door opened and there was a beautiful girl who appeared to be slim. Her eyes sparkled like diamonds and her shiny black hair seemed to shimmer. She had worn a white woolen sweater over the school jacket. She seems like senior of their school and must be in class nine or ten.


 


She was in a hurry so she entered in the bathroom quickly. Sarah was still there and facing towards the bath room mirror. After few minutes that girl came out and washed her hands. She saw Sarah with tears in her eyes which were clearly visible. She kneeled down, turned Sarah towards her and wiped out the tears from her face with her handkerchief.


 


“Hey! Little one! What happened? Why are you upset?” she asked politely.


 


Sarah saw her face. She couldn’t recognize her. But she noticed the identity card over her neck. “Emma White, Standard-X, Head Girl, Kings Edward School, Birmingham” this was written on the identity card. Sarah was silent and bowed down her head. She was sniveling and standing like a block of ice.


 


“Hmm…Let me guess… Teacher Scolded?” Emma asked


Sarah shook her head.


“You hadn’t completed your homework?”


Again she shook her head.


 


“Okay! Your friend told you something.” this time Emma asked her more politely.


Sarah didn’t react this time.


 


“Hmm…Okay…Come with me” Emma told and took her by holding her hand.


 


Sarah had no idea where they were going. They passed through the corridor and the basket ball court. Then they went up to the second floor by stairs. While passing a class Sarah saw two boys kneeled down outside the class.


 


“Am I going to be punished?” Sarah was thinking in her mind. “No, I have not done any wrongful act.” She said quietly and again thought that the head girl’s mood was good, so she couldn’t do that with her.


 


Finally they reached to their school hall which was in the third floor, big enough to contain not less than five thousand audience. The chairs of the seats were covered by brown leather and a big stage was there for performances. Sarah remembered how she had played the role of Queen’s daughter in the school play previous year which was based on a historic character. But Sarah was surprised to see the arrangements that day. There was a group of girls who were most of the age of Emma and all had their own violin. A beefy old man was there and he had a grey round hat on his head. The view was like a violin concert. But Sarah had no idea that why she was there and that was also with their school’s head girl.


 


“Emma! Come quickly…we are just about to start…” A girl said loudly from the stage to Emma. Sarah noticed at her first glance, she had a ponytail in her head and had held the violin in her left hand.


 


“Well! Girls! I think I will listen to all of you today…” Emma said with a big smile on her face and hinted something. All girls including the old man understood the head girl’s signal. Emma took Sarah to sixth row of chair and let her sit. She herself sits next to her.


 


“1…2…3…Here we go” that old man commanded and the girls started to play violin. That was a good music to ears. But the little girl still sat with her bowed head.


 


“You should join them and practice…” Sarah mumbled.


 


Emma gasped. She looked at Sarah, she seemed to be searching for something by her detective eyes and finally she got it.


 


“Okay! Miss Sarah Rose, standard-2, House of Archers…” She said without a pause while holding Sarah’s identity card.


 


“Will you tell me, what happened? Why you are upset?” She asked in her as usual polite voice.


 


For an instant Sarah was silent but the very next moment she cried again by hugging Emma tightly. Emma got teary eyed when Sarah hugged her like that.


 


“Hey dear! Stop crying…please tell me what happened?” She hugged her back and said while patting Sarah’s head.


 


Can you give me a name? I’ll punish anyone who made you cry” Emma said but she sounded like mom.


 


“No… I don’t want anyone to be punished!” Sarah said while snivelling.


 


“Okay Okay…we will not give punishment.” Emma said and again wiped out the tears from Sarah’s eyes. For the second time Sarah saw Emma’s eye and she felt warm by her dazzling eyes. She took a deep breath. She told Emma all about what had happened in class and what Blade and her classmates had told to her. She also said that no one in her class wanted to see her as they all were sick of her. Emma hugged her and patted her shoulder. She guessed what had happened to the little girl and how deeply she was hurt.


 


“Dear! Can I tell you something?” She asked Sarah.


 


“Hmm…” Sarah sighed by nodding her head.


 


Look at those girls and tell me what you see?” Emma said her while pointing her one fingers towards the group of girls who were playing violin.


 


“They are playing violin by following the notations” Sarah mumbled.


 


“Exactly, and what, if any one of them would not follow the notation?” Emma asked her in an absolute caring tone.


 


Sarah thought for a couple of minutes and then said eagerly “The synchronization will be missed, they will be detuned and the music will not sound good.”


 


“Hey! You’re a smart one! Ten out of ten!” Emma said her in friendly manner.


 


“Now look at me sweetie…” Emma said by turning Sarah’s face towards her.


 


She gripped her tiny hands and said “You know our life also follows the same rule. If we tend to hear each one’s unnecessary words then we can never improve our self. Do you think you look ugly? No! Do you think you are dumb? No! Do you think you have no right to come to school? No!”


 


“You look like a little angel. You know! I have never seen an intelligent kid like you who knows so much things” She said her and finally Sarah smiled and that was a million dollar smile. Emma relaxed when she saw the face which was missing the smile.


 


“I think you shouldn’t bother about Blade or Flade or Glade or whatever…” Emma said funnily and this time Sarah laughed a little bit loud. The old man suddenly turned his head towards them. Emma made Sarah silent by keeping her hand in front of her mouth. The bell rang, the class was over. All the girls put their violin in briefcase and run towards Emma.


 


“Who is she? Emma?” the girl, who was left handed and also had a ponytail, asked Emma curiously.


 


“Okay Girls…meet my new friend… Miss Sarah Rose” Emma said proudly


 


“Awww…cutieee…look at her cheeks…it was chhooooo cuteeeee” That girl said in a baby voice and squeezed Sarah’s cheeks. Sarah gave a fake smile but didn’t like that girl’s act.


 


“Okay, Okay hold on Jes! We have our Chemistry class, you go there…I will be back in five minutes.” Emma said in a bossy tone.


 


 “So her name is Jes!” Sarah gasped. All the girls left the hall immediately.


 


“So will you go or I will join you to your class...” Emma said to Sarah.


 


“I will go” Little Sarah said in a firm voice.


 


But before leaving the hall she ran to Emma and again hugged her tight. She was so tiny that her head was hardly touching Emma’s waist.


 


“Thank you” Sarah said quietly. Emma felt emotional again. She could almost feel herself in Sarah.


 


“My pleasure…Miss Sarah Rose” Emma said with a firm handshake with her.


 


“Just tell me if anyone bother you next time, and then see what I will do with him” Emma sounded like principal this time.


 


Sarah’s eyes were glistening by those words.


 


“And if you want to thank me then I will love to have a chocolate” Emma said like a kid.


 


“Sure! Tomorrow… Right here. Okay?” Sarah said like her mom.


 


“Okay” Emma said and exchanged a high-five with the little one.


 


The whole day Sarah was fanatic about Emma because now no one will irritate her. Now she had a friend who was the Head Girl of their school and each one in the school was afraid of her. Blade was also afraid to talk with Sarah when he heard about the head girl’s promise. Sarah told what happened and also about Emma and the violin class to James. Well! James laughed when Sarah told him about that girl who had squeezed her cheeks forcefully and she was still feeling the pain. Sarah gave an angry bird look to James when he laughed at her words. She took her pencil, twirl it and said something like she was going to do any magic on James but that didn’t work and she realized that she was not in Hogwarts. The time was 1.45Pm and the bell clanged which signaled that the school was over for that day. All kids went out of the class immediately and after telling “bye” to James, Sarah waited for her mother near their Ford Fiesta.


 


 


 


“How’s my baby!” her mom’s voice rang in her ears. Mrs Rose came and opened the door for Sarah and then she started the car. Though the weather was a little bit sunny but still one can easily feel the cold outside. Still all people had jackets in their body. The car slowly passed their school gate. Sarah was busy in watching the cars outside in the street from the glass window of their car. She was a huge fan of cars. She watched a couple passing by their car with a Lamborghini. Sarah was very happy and she had a big smile on her face.


 


“Mama! Look at that car…that yellow one!!” Sarah said loudly by pointing her hand towards the Lamborghini.


 


“Don’t let your hand outside honey, it’s dangerous.” Mrs Rose said a little bit loud.


 


“Hmm…” Sarah’s face became dull as Mrs Rose had not listened to her words and Mrs Rose immediately realized that.


 


“Hey! Honey...how was your day?” She changed the topic conversationally.


Suddenly the dull face turned pink again as she had a big-big smile in her face. Her ever shining eyes were giving proof that she had a fantastic day.


 


“Oh yes…! Mama! You know today I got a new friend…and you know who…?” Sarah said but Mrs Rose cut her off.


 


“Friend!!! That’s amazing, tell me his name.” Mrs Rose told friendly.


 


“It’s not a him, it’s a her. She is the head girl of our school” Sarah said proudly


 


“Emma!!! You know her!!! I mean she is your new friend” Mrs Rose said with surprise.


 


“Yes! She is very sweet…I met her in…” Sarah said but stopped when Mrs Rose’s phone rang.


 


“Sorry sweety…hold  a  minute” Mrs Rose said dully.


 


Sarah laid her head on the window of the car. She was excited to tell about her new friend but the phone had ruined her excitement. She was sad. But something she heard caught her attention towards the phone. It was her father’s call. Mrs Rose was shouting in the phone. She was very angry but that was not first time. Whenever her father’s topic come she becomes angry and Sarah had no choice but to listen to their quarrel. Her mother was talking very abusive words to her father. Sarah had never met her father but she didn’t think that he was as bad as her mother made him out to be?


 


Her one hand was on the steering and other was holding the phone. After five or ten minutes Mrs Rose started crying over the phone. That was also not first time for Sarah, she had also seen that before. She didn’t react to all these things and looked outside as if she didn’t have ears. She had heard the last sentence of her mother and that was “You will never ever get Sarah…” and after that Sarah couldn’t remember what had happened. She couldn’t feel anything except her heart beat which was beating very slowly.


 


People surrounded the place curiously. A giant truck had smashed the Ford Fiesta completely while it was crossing the traffic signal. The signal was red but Mrs Rose was unaware of that as she was talking in phone. The car was rolled for not less than three times and thrown out fifty meters away from the road, stroked to a nearby restaurant.


 


Within no time at all an ambulance arrived at the scene, lights were blaring and sirens wailing. Mrs Rose was no more. She was declared dead at the scene. Her head was completely crushed by the truck. The officials of Ambulance teams found Sarah from the crushed car. Every one said “Thank you Jesus!” when they knew that the child was alive and she was breathing.


 


Sarah had been rushed to the hospital on a stretcher, with doctors bustling around her, hooking her up to IV drips and other medical machinery that only the doctors knew the purpose of. The headmaster of Sarah’s school was already there after getting the sad news about a staff and a student of his school. He was worried about Sarah, as he himself had a daughter of her age.


 


After two hours of rigorous treatment the doctors informed that Sarah’s health was critical and she had been put in a medically induced coma.


 


“Sarah’s head had severe injury and we also found Paraplegia in examination, she was paralyzed from her waist. We did our best, let’s hope for the best, Jesus can’t be cruel to the little soul” Mr. Danny Lockhart, an old and very experienced doctor said, who had conducted the treatment.


 


 All people’s eyes were numb as the little one’s life was on the line. All the teachers along with Principal stayed there for whole night praying to god for the recovery of the girl who was saved from the accident.


 


Finally at 2.18AM Mr. Lockhart came. His eyes were teary. His body was freeze. Everyone was silent to hear words from him. But what he said was not expected.


Mr Lockhart wipe his teary eyes and said in a low voice “We…We have lost her.”


 


“Sarah had left her last breath. Due to the severe damage in her head she couldn’t resist her life.”


 


The environment of the hospital witnessed flood of tears from the eyes. That winter night had gave a jerk not only to the Kings Edward School but also to the entire Birmingham. News spread fast about the sad incident of that bloody winter night. Everyone was talking about the accident. Everyone was praying for the peace of the little soul. The patients of the hospital were also crying. Sarah’s body was brought and handed over to the school officials for funeral arrangements as they thought there was no one left in her family.


 


Just at that time a gentleman, who was wearing a jeans and a blue shirt came. He had a square glass on his eyes. He ran to the body of Sarah immediately, stood for a while. He was panting. Tear came down from his eyes automatically when he looked at the innocent face of the girl.


 


Her face was still shining, still charming, but the curse of the winter had taken her smile from her face. He had never thought in his worst nightmares that he will meet his daughter in that way. Yes, he was Mr. Rose. He kneeled down and hugged the body of her daughter. He was not talking anything but sobbing like a mad. No one wanted to interfere between father and the daughter.


 


“Honey!, wake up baby, look! Look who has come, look your dad is here sweetie! Look! Open your eyes baby…please…O..P..E..N your E..Y..E..S”


 


“Doctor! Why she was not talking? Is she sleeping? Doctor! Why are you silent? Please! Tell me she is fine! T..E..L..L..  M..E..” He was talking loudly to Mr Lockhart but he was silent with his tear filled eyes.


 


 Mr Rose was shaking the body of Sarah in the hospital but there was a pin drop silence. No answer came from the ever talking mouth of that little kid. That moment was a heart breaking moment which was caused by the bloody winter.


 


Winter: a season, trees  fashion  themselves with white coats and the bodies of human beings are wrapped with colorful jackets, woolen clothes, woolen hats when Christmas come and Santa come with gifts, when the world welcome a New Year. Why the winter had done that to a soul who had no fault? Why the winter broke the dreams of that little kid? Why the winter took the smile of the tiny girl? Why the winter showed no mercy to that innocent girl? Why the winter shattered Mr Rose’s daughter’s hope and her anxiety to build her own world? Why the winter beat the little one in Life’s war? Why the winter played with the emotions of the little girl who, every year waited for it to go to the Hogwarts, the magic school.  Lots of questions but no answers, no one to explain. Except the sobbing sound of Mr. Rose there was hardly any sound to hear in that bloody winter night in the hospital.


 


Next day whole Birmingham was stunned completely by that incident. James couldn’t believe that his best friend was no more, he had no one to play with, he had no one to tease, and he had no one who will share Tiffin with him. Blade was in grief. He realized that he was wrong. Sarah was the heart of their class. He realized though he used to tease her but still he was missing her. He realized that she was a little angel for their school


 


Emma couldn’t stop her crying when she got the news. She remembered that the little girl had promised her to give a chocolate for her help. She was so innocent and Emma couldn’t forget her glinting eyes and the cute face which had shown thousands of possibilities. She was sobbing by telling her teacher that how she met her just one day before, how she took her to their violin class and how sad Sarah was on that day. That bloody winter gave all of them a cruel lesson.


 


Sarah had a dream to go to Hogwarts but god had invited her to heaven. That was really unfair by god. Why Blade told so cruel words to the little girl? Was that suitable? Why Mrs Rose picked up the phone while driving? Was that so important? Why Mrs Rose, a teacher, didn’t pay attention to the signal? Wasn’t that co-incidental? Was that the destiny’s demand that the truck will hit only the Ford Fiesta?


 


Sarah had never any fault but still she paid and her life was sacrificed just because of a silly mistake.


 


 


 


I don’t know why but I feel emotional by this.


 


         “May your soul rest in peace, Miss Sarah Rose & I will miss you…”


 


         Ashish Kumar


 


 


 


 


 


 


© 2016 Ashish


Author's Note

Ashish
This is my first fiction and I have heard from the greatest writers that "no matter who you are, your first draft, story, poem will suck"
I will just say, you will find this very simple.
Special Thanks to my friend Asya :)
She had helped me a lot to refine this story.

Still there may be scope for improvisation and I will welcome that.
Please tell me whatever you felt after reading this :)

My Review

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Featured Review

You have done an amazing job of writing a complex story that has many threads of people's lives & lessons woven together to share with your readers. It takes much courage to write this long story when you are a little shaky in writing this language. Even tho this sounds like someone who doesn't speak English as a first language, your story is also clear & not confusing. It's easy to figure out what you mean to write & it's easy to see how much imagination is in your thinking as you write. "continued to sleep under the blanket like a baby tortoise" (very creative & original).

This is more complex than the stories I write . . . it's hard to weave stories that go in and out of many people's lives. I stick to simple stories becuz I'm old & I have a bad memory, so I can't remember if I wrote everything to be uniform & flowing & clear. You show us many different people & we got to know them. You show the relationships between people as being understandable & true-to-life. Also, dialogue is very hard to use in your first stories, so I'm proud of you for doing it well & often.

This is a story with a lesson . . . telling about bullying which is a much-needed lesson for many young people . . . and telling about how quickly life can be taken from us, which can hopefully change the way people treat each other. You don't need to state this lesson . . . that is over-explaining. You can trust your story & trust your reader to understand the lesson you are showing thru your story.

As for corrections, it would be overwhelming if I try to correct everything, so I will try to find a few helpful ideas for future writing.

At the start, you say mom is cooking omelet, cake, or hot chocolate. This sounds uncertain. People don't "probably" cook this or that. In a story you need to say what is happening for certain. Later on, we find out it's a noodle-omelet. Try to be uniform about the details like this, thru-out your story. Describe this breakfast in the same way each time, not switching from one food to another. By the way, I like the imagination of made-up words, so the noodlette is a cute way to describe this breakfast.

I noticed you describe the color of people's "hairs" . . . in English we say "hair" even tho there are many hairs on our heads. I have blond hair, you have black hair.

In a few places you show us what is happening by describing the actions & events (such as the car crash) . . . but then you go on to tell about what happened again, as if we didn't understand when you showed us what happened. I think you do a little bit of extra explaining that is not needed. You draw a good picture, so trust your picture, trust that it will show us what you want to show us. You don't need to explain everything after you show it in word pictures. It sounds repetitive in some places. Here's an example: "Whenever she asked about her father Mrs.Rose dramatically used to change the topic, maybe she thought that the issue between her and Sarah’s father was irrelevant for Sarah." (Let the reader figure out what's going on from the actions you show between mom & Sarah . . . no need to explain this part: "maybe she thought that the issue between her and Sarah’s father was irrelevant for Sarah.")

Another thing you do is to write many extra words before you get to your point. Here's an example: "a boy with shiny black round glasses around his eyes" (we all know what glasses look like, so there's no need to say they are around the eyes). Try to delete such extra words that don't add any important understanding.

Hopefully you can understand my explanations. You can't fix everything at once, but you've done a good job so far. If you just learn a few new tricks with each story you write, then you will become a better & better writer.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ashish

7 Years Ago

Thank you so much for reviewing and guiding me :)
1. Honestly maam..I agreed about that break.. read more
barleygirl

7 Years Ago

I think your noodlette idea is a good one. We eat omelets for breakfast & it's unusual to mix noodle.. read more
Ashish

7 Years Ago

Hmm...thank you so much :)



Reviews

I'm really impresed...
Very nice+ great job I loved reading everything
you have written this fiction very beautifully....
KEEP WRITTING

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ashish

7 Years Ago

Hey, thank you for reading this specially a long story. Thank you again :)
Manisha

7 Years Ago

my pleasure
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Ana
Maan, this was so sad.I loved your description of winter, and how instead of blaming the truck at the end you made it so that it seemed like winter was what really killed her like "Why the winter had done that to a soul who had no fault?", that was genius!
It really is impressive for your first fiction ever, my first fiction was about an ugly green alien. And the way you put your name at the end after the quote made it seem like this story was actually real! I had to read your note to realize it wasn't. You did really good for your first time, really.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ashish

7 Years Ago

Aw.. Thank you Ana for reading this...
It was long but still you gave your time to read it, I.. read more
first? wow, I'm impressed! You have all the elements of a great story, plot, drama and creativity! Keep penning, you have a way with words and ideas!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ashish

7 Years Ago

Thank you so much for reading this
Your words means a lot :)
You have done an amazing job of writing a complex story that has many threads of people's lives & lessons woven together to share with your readers. It takes much courage to write this long story when you are a little shaky in writing this language. Even tho this sounds like someone who doesn't speak English as a first language, your story is also clear & not confusing. It's easy to figure out what you mean to write & it's easy to see how much imagination is in your thinking as you write. "continued to sleep under the blanket like a baby tortoise" (very creative & original).

This is more complex than the stories I write . . . it's hard to weave stories that go in and out of many people's lives. I stick to simple stories becuz I'm old & I have a bad memory, so I can't remember if I wrote everything to be uniform & flowing & clear. You show us many different people & we got to know them. You show the relationships between people as being understandable & true-to-life. Also, dialogue is very hard to use in your first stories, so I'm proud of you for doing it well & often.

This is a story with a lesson . . . telling about bullying which is a much-needed lesson for many young people . . . and telling about how quickly life can be taken from us, which can hopefully change the way people treat each other. You don't need to state this lesson . . . that is over-explaining. You can trust your story & trust your reader to understand the lesson you are showing thru your story.

As for corrections, it would be overwhelming if I try to correct everything, so I will try to find a few helpful ideas for future writing.

At the start, you say mom is cooking omelet, cake, or hot chocolate. This sounds uncertain. People don't "probably" cook this or that. In a story you need to say what is happening for certain. Later on, we find out it's a noodle-omelet. Try to be uniform about the details like this, thru-out your story. Describe this breakfast in the same way each time, not switching from one food to another. By the way, I like the imagination of made-up words, so the noodlette is a cute way to describe this breakfast.

I noticed you describe the color of people's "hairs" . . . in English we say "hair" even tho there are many hairs on our heads. I have blond hair, you have black hair.

In a few places you show us what is happening by describing the actions & events (such as the car crash) . . . but then you go on to tell about what happened again, as if we didn't understand when you showed us what happened. I think you do a little bit of extra explaining that is not needed. You draw a good picture, so trust your picture, trust that it will show us what you want to show us. You don't need to explain everything after you show it in word pictures. It sounds repetitive in some places. Here's an example: "Whenever she asked about her father Mrs.Rose dramatically used to change the topic, maybe she thought that the issue between her and Sarah’s father was irrelevant for Sarah." (Let the reader figure out what's going on from the actions you show between mom & Sarah . . . no need to explain this part: "maybe she thought that the issue between her and Sarah’s father was irrelevant for Sarah.")

Another thing you do is to write many extra words before you get to your point. Here's an example: "a boy with shiny black round glasses around his eyes" (we all know what glasses look like, so there's no need to say they are around the eyes). Try to delete such extra words that don't add any important understanding.

Hopefully you can understand my explanations. You can't fix everything at once, but you've done a good job so far. If you just learn a few new tricks with each story you write, then you will become a better & better writer.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ashish

7 Years Ago

Thank you so much for reviewing and guiding me :)
1. Honestly maam..I agreed about that break.. read more
barleygirl

7 Years Ago

I think your noodlette idea is a good one. We eat omelets for breakfast & it's unusual to mix noodle.. read more
Ashish

7 Years Ago

Hmm...thank you so much :)

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Added on December 10, 2016
Last Updated on December 20, 2016
Tags: teen, cute, kid, girl, innocent, pain, heartbreak, simple, little, accident, curse, rose

Author

Ashish
Ashish

Patna, India



About
Well, I have no plan for writing early It comes to me accidentally. Whether it is a poem or story, I love to read and know about unknown things. I firmly believe that writers are creators and worl.. more..

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