Diamonds in the Dirt

Heartbreak floats in the cigarette smoke

Tears fill up the whiskey cup

Lipstick smeared across her face

No more dignity, no more grace

Broken glass glistens like diamonds in the dirt

A fake smile shines like razorblades through the hurt

Heartbreak floats in the cigarette smoke

Tears fill up the whiskey cup

Smeared mascara tells tales of sadness

Drunken rants tell stories of madness

Love letters unwritten sit on her heart

A lost love has ripped her soul apart

Heartbreak floats in the cigarette smoke

Tears fill up the whiskey cup

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

i like the combo of couplets and quatrains .. the repetition keeps that "smoke and whiskey" scene in my mind ...i see the bar so clearly ... dark ... most of the patrons regulars ..gone home :( her tragic state clearly painful ...and the bar tender hasn't made a move to help ... so she's very much alone :((
E.

[BBP]

Thanks E! Glad it had you sitting in the bar with her. :)

[Einstein Noodle]

i called a taxi for her ;) she got home ok ... woke up with a hangover and life still there :{

[Nipplegrinder]

This fit like a jacket you want, but is way too tight. Excellent writing.

[BBP]

Awesome description lol! Thank u very much!

[Nipplegrinder]

It's uncomfortable. It's wonderful.

[Island Hippy]

Aloha, I said in a previous review 'a bar room song' I think it applies here as well, also noticing blurred threads to The Grease and the Gold. Your style has strong lyrical leaning. You also have a knack for great titles. Izzy

[Ardra]

Heartbreak floats in the cigarette smoke
Tears fill up the whiskey cup

These days people just like to fake and f**k others life isn't it

Hope you feel better soon dear... :)

[BBP]

Thank you' but how'd u know I had the flu?

[Ardra]

:) I dint know...

[BBP]

Lol so weird u just hope u feel better and I was like how'd she know? Lol

[Ardra]

;) sixth sense lol

[BBP]

lol! I was almost convinced of that for a second there lol

[FreedomFighter]

very powerful words i can feel the emotion in every line, great job!

[BBP]

Thank you so much and sorry I missed this!!

[mercy party]

i can feel the lonely heart ache, like in a dirt parking lot with no lights. reads like it a kick a*s song to me. The title is profoundly sad and how it was later used in a very sharp rhyme was killer. I love this.

[BBP]

Thank you! Yeah my writes tend to read like songs cause I always kinda sign em in my head! lol

Thanks for the awesome words.

[Valentine]

There are many forms of sadness. Loss of a child, a parent, a husband, or just someone loved by you. I have lost all the above but whiskey or cigarettes were not what I turned to for comfort. Valentine

[BBP]

Thank you Valentine and sorry I missed this one too!

[Gypsy Warrior Queen]

I wonder if anyone knows they are gonna be this woman ...someday? Love the title, big draw!

[BBP]

Hope prevents anyone from knowing that lol

[William Liston]

With the repetition and rhyme, this poem is like a song ... I could imagine it being set to music. I enjoyed the imagery in this piece and how it created a melancholic atmosphere. It felt like the character in the poem could only dwell in sorrow, no matter what she tried. This piece also sounds nice with its end rhyme, internal rhyme (in the repeated lines), and alliteration.

If I may critique, I felt like the word "the" in "diamonds in the dirt" and "razorblades through the hurt" was redundant. Omitting the "the" would make those lines read smoother.

- William Liston

[BBP]

Thanks William. I think you are right, by omitting 'the' in those lines it would flow easier. Thank you for the nice review and for catching that.

[cs richardson]

A beautiful rendering of heart break. I particularly like the line: "Love letters unwritten sit on her heart"-all that is unspoken when we know words will not change anything.

[BBP]

Thank you CS for the nice review and your sweet words.