Death

I saw her standing beside a SCYTHE,
Her face hidden by a MASK,
She was an eerie figure,
Pouring murky liquid into a flask.
In the silence, she heard my FOOTSTEPS,
Removed her mask by loosening its cords,
She turned around and set me SCREAMING,
For she was my own BLOODY CORPSE.
She laughed and lunged at me,
She gave me a CHASE around the yard,
Everything about her was DEADLY.
I couldn't even hide
Because I was HIDING from myself
She caught me and dragged me,
She wasn't DRAGGING me but herself.
Then, she was me and I was her,
And there was no one to save,
We picked up the scythe and started,
We were DIGGING our own grave.

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Bushra

I am doing a little reviewing at the moment after a break.

First port of call entries for The Blue Rose Cafe competitions.

This one? Use ten specific words in verse.

A challenge by anyone's estimation.

I submitted an entry and found it mind simulating in so doing.

So to a briefish review in a few bullet points:

1) You have met the challenge well;
2) You construct it in intelligent and creative fashion;
3) It is free verse with occasional pointed rhymes;
4) You do actually set up here an effective storyline when the constraints of the 10 words inhibit;
5) I just love your final four lines. They say it all:

Then, she was me and I was her,
And there was no one to save,
We picked up the scythe and started,
We were DIGGING our own grave.

6) I could spend hours reading and rereading this piece of poetry (as I can with many - that's its intrigue) and on each read get something more out of it and in the process try to enter your head.

Be it that I read poetry or prose, I always want to try and see the world as the writer sees it. That's educational and soul uplifting.

7) This poem has the power to mystify in its clarity or the power to provide clarity whilst it mystifies. Take your pick.

8) My only notion that might change the imagery you create here is to question the word 'corks'. If you are Australian like Helena, then I can sort of see. Otherwise, can you find a better word?

I think as I am a fully fledged signed up member of The Blue Rose Cafe as well as a dedicated member of Writers Cafe, it I important to read what other writers entering competitions have to present.

I have just done so with you.

In a competition which is actually very difficult, you make it seem easy.

Well done.

Your friend

James

[Bushra Naqshbandi]

Thank you so much for reading the poem and honouring me with such a detailed reiew. :) You referred to the part about the corks which was something even I wasn't exactly comfortable with and had put in just because of the rhyme scheme. Thank you for pointing it out and enabling me to think of something better to put in it's place. Thanks! :)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Thank you Bushra

How often do we ALL have to measure up rhyme pattern against meaning?

Just finding that one word that escapes us?

But then that is in part the fun of writing. Being stimulated to think.

Often reviewers will point things like that out to me. It's good because it makes me try to write better. That's the whole point of Writers Cafe and The Blue Rose Cafe within it.

With my kindest regards

James

[Suelou]

This is a very good poem using the 10 words.

[Helena]

Bravo Bushra! Wonderful take on the "Ten".....thank you for submitting this to my contest!!
Helena :)

[Bushra Naqshbandi]

Thank you so much Helena. Your review really boosted up my morale. :)

[Bushra Naqshbandi]

Thanks for your take on my poem Oklahoma Rose :)

[Helena]

You are so welcome Bushra..... :)