Reclaiming

The first moment

Control

Slipped from my grasp,

Out of reach,

I was fifteen

He was twenty-four, maybe

I had given it to him, unwittingly

And not so willingly

Then realized too late

That it was gone

 

After that I undertook the great task of

Reclaiming

Searching for, and

Spending countless moments

Trying to seize

Only to find that each time

I lost that sought after

That Power

Just that much more

 

The second time control

Shied away from my caress

I was eighteen

And he must’ve been seven feet tall

A monster of a man

In a train station

At a junction of white rivers

 

This time I handed that much

Hunted, hated and craved

Privilege

Over, a little more knowingly

And fought for it

A little more fervently

Only to end up without it,

-Again-

And I drove home, with my mother in the car

Wishing my skin would

Burn and fall off my bones

 

The third time was tricky

That pun was intended

I burned a hole in my nose

With heroin and cocaine

And was nervously

Sure

That I was in control this time

I had what he wanted

What he craved

What made him hard

And thought

I was getting what I

Wanted, in return for it

 

Afterwards I sat

In a filthy

New Jersey

Gas station bathroom

And sobbed

Head splitting

Nose bleeding

Realizing

I’d never had

And never would

Have control

 

Now I recognize

That every

Sexual encounter

In my life

Has been an

Exhaustive

Attempt at

Reclaiming

Control

 

 

Reviews

[Rach]

o wow its rly moving. gosh i think i hav a tear in my eye. its so raw, the feelings you described.

however, stanza three is a bit abstract. i didn't really GET it, like the rest of the poem. but rly gud piece of work