Lost Youth

Messed up youth........

On the brink of a life's phase.
lost participant, YOUTH's social chase.

With dim, pathetic N hopeless gaze.
Standing' shaking' falling' in unyielding emotional maze.

Wishing world's reversal to ancient days.
where emotions' feelings' love' has no place.

Cruel' Animal' Instinct' Survival' Savage'.

Reviews

[JayG]

I suspect that the great majority of this story still resides in your head. As you read, your intent fr the piece drives you. So every line points to images, memories, and events, all residing in your mind. But when you set your words free, you, your intent, and everything about you becomes irrelevant, because it's the words you choose, their placement, and what that suggests to the reader that matters—based on THEIR background, not yours. So for that reader, every line points to images, memories, and events, all residing in YOUR mind.

When I read, "On the brink of a life's phase," what can that mean to me? What in the pluperfect hells can "lost participant," mean if I don't know what this unknown person is participating in?

It matters not at all what the words mean to you, because your goal is to evoke an emotional response of the kind the words produce in you, within your reader's mind. Make them feel, not just know. Make them care.

[AcasualPawn]

Life has many phases.......
On the brink of a life's phase.
( its meaning will be completed at the end of stanza) with this

lost participant, YOUTH's social chase.

goal is to evoke an emotional response of the kind the words produce in you, within your reader's mind. Make them feel, not just know. Make them care.


Well iam trying sir.......
Problem is iam Indian, still a student and my knowledge of English language is just above the mark. Truth is i can't feel English like I feel Hindi....
But still trying hard

[Tony Jordan]

Keep trying DP
Keep reviewing JayG
It's an honour to be able to view such exchanges.

[JayG]

• its meaning will be completed at the end of stanza) with this lost participant, YOUTH's social chase

That's your intent. But intent doesn't make it to the page, And I have not a clue of what youth's social chase is, or why "youth" needs to be capitalized.

Remember, the only meaning your words have to a given reader is what the words suggest to them, based on their experience. Your intent is irrelevant because it's unknown.

• Well iam trying sir.......

Do, or do not. There is no try.
~ Yoda ;)

It's not a matter of effort, it's knowing the ways to the goal. In this case you're focused on talking to the reader, and that's a nonfiction technique. It informs when you should be entertaining the reader by making them live the events and feel the emotions, not know them.

you can make the reader recall a like experience, and thus relive it. For example, if you mention children screaming at a playground the reader, having lived it, will be right there in a playground.
But suppose I say, "I remember that time in Mexico, with Charlie." It evoked no memories in your mind because you have no context.

In poetry, you must either evoke the reader's empathetic sense, or wow them with the way you present the images/words—or hopefully, both. But simply presenting an extended explanation of why your protagonist is unhappy with his/her someone is a nonfiction approach.

So it's not a matter of language, but approach. Focus on making the reader feel, not just know. Push their buttons instead of talking about your own. Make them a participant, not an audience. Make them care.

[AcasualPawn]

Yes sir................

[John the Baptist]

What I get mostly from this offering is a sense of uncertainty and also one of regret. Perhaps this regret is because of an awareness of the brevity of life, and maybe a feeling that certain desired events have not transpired, or maybe have been lost. The last lines are curious, evidently representing a desire to escape disappointment. Of course, in ancient days life expectancy was less than 30 years, so there wouldn't have been much time to be disappointed. An interesting take, but don't despair; in many ways, youth sucks.

[AcasualPawn]

Youth with out aim sucks

[wordman]

it can be a confusing time of your life,but a growing process

[AcasualPawn]

Its really messed up

[Sami Khalil]

Good overall usage and trying. You are utilizing things and yielding much...:).........

[AcasualPawn]

Thank you for your kind words

[Najam Us Saher]

True, youth is really a confusing stage when later recalled makes us feel stupid.

[AcasualPawn]

True..........

[AcasualPawn]

Just trying to use words and rhymes