UNPROTECTED

How Im feeling right now about things going on in my life and the potential life of others.. left in the hands of people who don't care enough, all comments appreciated :) Thank you !!

                            UNPROTECTED

 

Nerves exposed in raw, deep tender tones

Emotions on overload for fear of no one caring

Life hanging in the balance cradled in the hands

Of the incompetent fearful of the outcome

Wanting to choose life through the pain

Clinging to the notion that the feeling of

Anything lets us know we are alive.

Fighting the want to give in and become numb

This line is so thin crossing so tempting

Straws building to the breaking point leaving

Backs grossly twisted, something has to give.

 

Predictions of life ending too soon at the hands

Of the neglectful feeling unprotected.

Uncared for by the people who don’t know

How to do their jobs, it’s only ever about the money

Do what you do to the fullest people, lives hang

From the rafters of your apathy

Our lives flow day by day in a continuous motion

 We have a rhythm, if not felt we trip sending

The next human into despair interrupting the

Prospect of what could be like dominos we

 Fall into the darkness leaving us as children

 Feeling unprotected.

 

By: Debbie Mills Kelly 7/19/2012 

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Debbie

Now friends, I thought I would review one of your poems. I chose this attracted by its title.

I will often look at the nuts and bolts of the writing (especially poetry) I review, but will always give the writer the personal impact the poem has had on me so that the writer can get a flavour which helps guide them in their writing.

My review.

1) Structure, rhyme and rhythm: You have two stanzas which are in effect eleven lines long, but where in the second you add a twelfth as a sort of envoy where you repeat the title 'unprotected'. I find that stylish.

You choose not to rhyme.

As for rhythm, albeit it fluctuates a little the relative length of each line lends its own mellow feel.

2) Punctuation: You use punctuation throughout. I like that sort of consistency. Punctuate fully or don't do it at all. There are however places where normally extra punctuation might be needed. But it matters little to me.

This is free verse. As is often the case with your sort of piece it could easily have been written in prose format - 'poetry in prose'.

3) Use of English: Rich! neither over complex nor simple. See more in impact and favourite lines below.

4) Meaning: Often poets may be opaque and leave the reader to guess their meaning (should in fact there be any) or form their own opinion.

On the other hand, poems can be written in a way which is easily understood, author's note or not. I feel this poem fits into the latter category. In a sense, your author's note, whilst interesting and welcome would not be necessary given the title and words of the piece.

Were I to try and summarise your meaning in my own words it would be:

Life can at times be threatening.
There is little to connection with anyone.
If there is at its most benign apathetic and at worst harmful.
You are surrounded by users not givers.
Confined by those who only come to you in need and for your own sake.
Constrained as you say by relationships where only 'money talks'.
As a result you walk a tightrope between survival and depression.
You despair at the superficiality of life.
You lack what you need most.
Even if only one, a person in your life.
People who in their selfless giving prove that the world is not meaningless.
Fellow travellers who exhibit compassion and love.
The absence of that connection results in your feeling vulnerable and unprotected.

5) Impact and favourite lines:

First lift and your first two lines:

Nerves exposed in raw, deep tender tones
Emotions on overload for fear of no one caring

This is where we all need to grab the readers attention. First appearances count. You do this well and set up the meaning. I like the way you use contrasting words 'raw and 'tender'.

You do the same in the next two lines: 'cradled' and 'fearful'

Second lift and the last four lines of your first stanza:

Fighting the want to give in and become numb
This line is so thin crossing so tempting
Straws building to the breaking point leaving
Backs grossly twisted, something has to give.

Here you actually give a flavour of the tightrope you walk between survival and despair.
Above all you subtly weave in the words of the generic 'The straw that broke the camel's back'. That I find stylish.

Third lift:

Uncared for by the people who don’t know
How to do their jobs, it’s only ever about the money
Do what you do to the fullest people, lives hang
From the rafters of your apathy

I love the last line. Here you pull out the point that life is full of superficial uncaring money grubbers.

Next lift:

Our lives flow day by day in a continuous motion
We have a rhythm, if not felt we trip sending
The next human into despair interrupting the
Prospect of what could be like dominos

We all need to realise that the slightest of our actions towards others can have an impact which is unhelpful to harming. We all need to take responsibility for our own behaviours and actions. Impact one person adversely and they might do so to another so the that the seams of many lives are torn apart.

Last lift and your envoy:

Fall into the darkness leaving us as children
Feeling unprotected.

The result of people's actions intentional or not in their superficiality leave us feeling like abandoned vulnerable children.

6) Overview: A well crafted free-style poem, richly packed with meaning, to which I relate and I can only imagine may have the same impact on other of your readers.

I never look at others reviews before doing my own. I want to form my own opinion rather than it being formed by anyone else's

Accomplished.

With my warmest regards


James Hanna-Magill

[Debbie_Philly]

James I am in awe of your review.... you took so much time and care into each stanza... I'm really in awe of it. Thank you so very much... I only hope that I can be as well informed with your pieces.... I knew when I requested you that I would love reading you... I just got online so I will be over. I know in my bio I said I hosted a classic poetry show on air and I did... but I don't know everything their is to know.. not by a long shot so your words are very comforting. My son and daughter have very high IQ's and their English and spelling are impeccable.... mine .. not so much..lol I don't know where they get it from. I like the reader to get what they need or want to get out of the poem, I think this is key to writing free form. We may write it for ourselves at first but I know that every poet loves when another can relate.. I know it makes me very happy. You got it pretty spot on... this stanza here:
Uncared for by the people who don’t know
How to do their jobs, it’s only ever about the money
Do what you do to the fullest people, lives hang
From the rafters of your apathy

Was meant for the medical profession.... they don't always get it right and they some times can be the money grubbers.
Thank you so much for your thourgh review of my work.. I am so happy to meet you.
I just hand surgery on my hand for a large tumor and I'm not supposed to be using it so forgive me if it takes to long to type... I just realized I was using both to type and that is a no no..lol. Thank you again and I very much look forward to reading you :)
Take Care,
Sincerely,
Debbie

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Debbie. Thank you for that. My complete pleasure. We have connected. And I am thankful. I see more precisely where you are coming from now in terms of private healthcare. Hello friend, James

[Antonio Valentino]

lives hang
From the rafters of your apathy

very well said!

welcome back to the cafe

:)

[Debbie_Philly]

Thank you so much !!! :) I will be back on tonight to read .... see you tonight !!

[Antonio Valentino]

aww you're very welcome..

yeah sure anytime.. I'll be around.. somewhere between the lines..

:)

[Tomás Ó C..]

"lives hang

From the rafters of your apathy" Love the imagery here...

[Debbie_Philly]

Thank you so much Tomas for reading.... very much appreciated !! :)

[Dean Kuch®]

This displays so much intensity and raw emotion. yet at the same time, it has a serenity to it that I found astounding, considering it's topic. Survival of the fittest, at any cost. This took my breath away...

[Debbie_Philly]

Oh Wow Dean thank you so much what a wonderful compliment.... I think its because even though life has thrown so much my way... I always in the survival mode try and stay positive.... sometimes it comes through... thank you again so much for reading !!! :)

[Dean Kuch®]

You are very welcome, the pleasure was all mine. And remember what they say..."What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger."...:)

[Debbie_Philly]

;) Thats for sure... Thank you !!

[Forest Green]

On a spinning planet hurtling through space at speeds unimaginable it is amazing we can find ourselves and exist at all.

Nicely penned poem about the vulnerabilities within which we all find life..'despair interrupting the prospect of what could be'...WELL said..!

[Debbie_Philly]

On a spinning planet hurtling through space at speeds unimaginable it is amazing we can find ourselves and exist at all.
Great lines ... this could be a poem in itself :) Thank you so much and yes you are so very right...we do effect each others lives whether we know it or not... thank you again for reading me ...:)

[SmileBig :)]

This is sooo good! You are such an amazing writer!! It's so dark; raw. Awesome :)

[Debbie_Philly]

Thank you so much Missy !!! :) Its so nice to meet you !

[SmileBig :)]

No problem, you too.

[Debbie_Philly]

You have nailed this Debbie. I agree with your insight and points.
All your thoughts, and visions I can relate to.
I think it's good someone point this out.
And not only to reach others, but to dare to look into your deepest
Inner core, and to put all the unfair and unevenness things in life of yourself or of others in a row, to have a visual insight how to go further.
I adore your wisdom, and thoughts. They never let me down, and yes they dance for some on their level, for others it's just a speach, you know, they aren't yet that far... ;) Beautiful.

E.L.

[Debbie_Philly]

Wow EL... thank you so much... I think we really get each other... thats a wonderful thing :) Its so good to connect with people on this site that really get writing and arent itno the whole drama thing... its so refreshing... thank you for the beautiful review E... its good for the soul !! :)

[Debbie_Philly]

Opps Typeo....lol. I meant into

You're so welcome dear. This poem goes into my favorites! xx

[Muse]

I love dark writes...so when I read the line:

Backs grossly twisted something has to give.

Wow lets just say I felt some envy
...wishing those words were my own. Brilliant penning!

Muse

[Debbie_Philly]

WOW Muse..... thats a Wonderful compliment.... thank you very much... Im happy you liked it !! :)

[John Stussy]

I can strongly identify with so much of the whole poem, it sent shivers down my spine and sent me back to the first line. It's so easy to give in to those darker, helpless feelings, and I find myself doing so way too often. But then when I'm wallowing in my own sadness, I'm a break in the human chain. My grey skies will spread over someone else's head when I'm not there for them when they need it, when they're left unprotected. Better to help others and give them their safe haven, they may return the favor and bring you out of your own darkness. Great write Debbie.

[Debbie_Philly]

Thank you so much John,..... I agree with you there... yes sometimes we just have to write it out... and hopefully some one can take something away... :) Thank you for reading me and giving such an amazing review :)

[John Stussy]

No problem, thank you for sharing. It was a pleasure to read your words.

[Ama May Cooper]

What a dark and haunting tale. Very deep and very expressive, your words speak volumes of tireless thought. Well documented and articulated, and very clear.
A very true message and that i agree with the world is corrupt its a world were we must kill or be killed... in not such a harsh tense of course lol killing is a little uncalled for.
Brilliant work.

[Debbie_Philly]

WOW Ama thank you so much ... its very nice to meet you BTW ;) You are a brilliant writer yourself :) . I agree with what you said here.... yes is can be a very cold and lonely world,,,, and sometimes the people who are supposed to have your best interest at heart.... really don't... thank you again :)

[Ama May Cooper]

:) Thank you very much. You are a brilliant writer yourself it is always a pleasure to read your work. Not a problem honestly it was such a fantastic read i could be nothing but thankful to you for writing it.

[Debbie_Philly]

:) xo

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

I always say "I work to live, not live to work" it is a vicious cycle, wanting to achieve our dreams but need ing to survive gets in the way in this dog eat dog world... I feel you on this poem.

[Debbie_Philly]

Thank you so much Cowboy and I agree whole heartily..... will be over to read you soon and dont forget to send me request :)