Believe It Or Not Believe It Or Not
This is my first attempt at slam poetry, and I'm excited to film a performance of this piece over the coming day.
Advertise Here Advertise Here
Want to advertise here? Get started for as little as $5
Lucky Ivor

Lucky Ivor

A Story by Woody
"

Nothing dramatic. Just a medical error

"

The droning was becoming irritating. But why was it intermittent? Could the plane be having engine trouble?


“S**t, I hope we won’t crash,” thought Ivor.


The pitch changed into.. into some sort of buzzing! That couldn’t be a good sign, could it? Planes weren’t supposed to buzz, were they? Silence. Then the droning then silence again.


The plane was going into free fall! The passengers were terrified, screaming. Suddenly, the luggage racks opened and bags and boxes rained down on the horrified men, women and children. Oxygen masks dangled and danced about like inverted cobras out of their wicker baskets. Goodness, where’s the upside down fakir?


Ivor Longwon tried to scream but couldn’t. The old lady who’d been sitting next to him, sipping her Martini, was now smothering him, clinging for dear life, screeching at him to save her. Only Ivor couldn’t. His head was stuck between her breasts and he desperately needed to surface for air. Suddenly, his body jerked and he gulped in air greedily. His eyes snapped open. 


He stared at the blank wall facing him. Where was Marilyn Monroe’s poster? His heart was pounding wildly as if he’d run a five-mile marathon. Thank God, it was only a goddamn dream! “But why am I in bed? Where am I?” he thought. The droning resumed. But not the screams. “What the…” 


A fat black-backed fly hovered inches away from his face.


“You b*****d! It was you that triggered that hellish nightmare!”


If the bat flat-flacked bly had had eyebrows, it would’ve raised them uncomprehendingly at Ivor. Instead, it delicately landed on his brow and started feasting on the moisture that had gathered there. Ivor tried to swat it away but couldn’t. He stretched his lower lip out and upward and blew, trying vainly to dislodge it. The tickling was becoming maddening but the fucked black-blocked fly (oh, sod it!) took off and landed on his nose, dangerously close to his nostril then sauntered onto his upper lip. Ivor wished he had a moustache. He couldn’t lift his right arm to defend himself. Hell, he couldn’t feel his arm. His left arm felt like it was strapped to the bed. Terror flooded his mind. Could he be a prisoner of that sick criminal who called himself Jig saw? He expected a gravelly voice to say “Let’s play a game!”


Suddenly, an angel materialized. Gorgeous, all in white. God, that smile! Excruciatingly beautiful!

“Are you…,” tried Ivor. He wet his parched lips. “Are you with Saw?”

“Sore?” said the angel, puzzled. “Doctor Hedd'll be here in a minute. Everything’s going to be fine.”

“Doctor? Why… why am I here?”

“You’ve undergone a surgery. The doctor will explain everything. Don’t worry.”


The door opened silently.


“Ah, here’s Dr Hedd.”


Doctor Richard Hedd, Dick to his friends, strode towards the bed with a broad smile on his face. He didn’t look like Dr House at all. He didn’t limp for one thing and his eyes weren’t blue.


“Ah, I see you’re awake Mr. Longwon. Welcome to the land of the living! 'ow’re you feeling?”


“Like s**t.”

“That’s understandable. The anesthetics can sometimes 'ave that effect.”

“What’s wrong with me, Doctor.”

“I see your mind is still muddled. You’ve come 'ere to 'ave your arm amputated.”

“Ampu WHAT?” yelled Ivor.

“Tated. Gangrene. Don’t you remember?”


The memory came back like a tsunami and nearly rocked the man out of the bed.

Ivor closed his eyes and moaned while Dr Hedd exchanged a here-we-go look with the nurse.


“Where’s my Rolex?” asked Ivor, alarmed.

“Don’t worry. It’s on the bedside table. It’s fake anyway. Now, I 'ave good news and bad news, I’m afraid. Which do you want first?”

“Let’s get the bad news out of the way,” said Ivor, resignedly.

“Right. Ehm… we….”

“Come on, Doc! Out with it”

“Well.. We seem to 'ave cut off the wrong arm. That is the right arm.”

“Oh nonononon!” moaned Ivor. “How in God’s name can you make such a stupid mistake?”

“Now, Mr Longwon. It’s not as dramatic as you’re making it out to be. It's just an 'armless error. We 'ave beautiful prostheses. Before you know it, you’ll be as good as new. You can even choose the colour,” ended the good doctor with a smug smile.

“This can’t be true. I must be still dreaming. What’s the good news? Cheer me up!”


“Aah I’m glad you asked. You’ll be glad to know that your gangrened arm’s getting better; we won’t 'ave to cut it off. Unless you insist, that is.”


© 2016 Woody



Author's Note

Woody
I know that this was not to the liking of everybody. but I'll be damned if I'm going to take out my ugly duckling. it's my baby and I'm keeping it. and that's that!

My Review

Would you like to review this Story?
Login | Register




Featured Review

LOL!
(I can't believe you made me resort to that. I just couldn't express how hilarious I found this with a mere Hahahaha.)

First things first,
That line,
''...Are.. Are you with Saw?''
It killed me! Man, It's a perfect line. If this was spoken in a T.V show I can see people rolling over and laughing their a*s off.

Second, that punchline.
Daaaamn.
Good one, Good one Woods.

Love this story. Definetly one of my favorites.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

LOL. there I lolled with you so you won't feel embarrassed :)
thank you so much my friend. I'.. read more



Reviews

Bloody brilliant and brilliantly bloody. I also loved the "buzz" of the anaesthetic dream sequence , but the final punchline was the icing on the cake. Great "armless" fun.
Keep 'em coming Woody.

Norman

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

9 Months Ago

thanks a million Norman. and please accept my apologies for the late reply.
so glad you liked.. read more
I'm watching my niece and read this offline, she wanted to know what was so funny? I don't want to corrupt her innocent mind. :)

Holy heart failure, this is excruciatingly funny.

You're as sick as Dr Dick Head!


Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Paloma

1 Year Ago

Didn't matter, I was gonna anyway. Don't you serve refreshments and goodies to your guests when they.. read more
Woody

1 Year Ago

that's what I thought but was afraid to sound silly in case you'd meant something else.
well,.. read more
Paloma

1 Year Ago

I'm not even going to ask. Babysitting one little tyrannical minion, stuff your poems are made of or.. read more
Macabre but funny story. You have a very good mix of those two traits that makes a very enjoyable story.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

thanks heaps Cliff. yeah black humour can be funny if you're not squeemish. glad you found it funny.
Oh, here's Richard. It is a little darker than most of your work, but we are all entitled to a little darkness. Not an ugly duckling, a black goose, maybe?

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

yep, that's him. he's in a couple of my writes. Barleygirl thinks it's a fixation. hmm she could be .. read more
Haha. Medical errors. Working as a doctor I have seen quite a few over the years.
I hope no doctor ever makes such a mistake. You have again woven a wonderful and amusing tale.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

there have been quite a few here, snce the Revolution, unfortunately. I'm sure there have always bee.. read more
LOL!
(I can't believe you made me resort to that. I just couldn't express how hilarious I found this with a mere Hahahaha.)

First things first,
That line,
''...Are.. Are you with Saw?''
It killed me! Man, It's a perfect line. If this was spoken in a T.V show I can see people rolling over and laughing their a*s off.

Second, that punchline.
Daaaamn.
Good one, Good one Woods.

Love this story. Definetly one of my favorites.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

LOL. there I lolled with you so you won't feel embarrassed :)
thank you so much my friend. I'.. read more
I'm getting the distinct impression you have a phallic obsession (as most men do, but in your case, posting your ramblings publicly, it just becomes more pronounced, the more I read you) . . . there's your own handle on this website, to begin with, & now we have Dr. Dickhead, & so many others scattered thru your stories. In a rare moment of seriousness, this is a killer analogy: "Oxygen masks dangled and danced about like inverted cobras out of their wicker baskets." I like the twist in this story better than most of yours . . . funny in your sick & twisted way! *smile*

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

I'm so sorry I didn't respond any quicker. I had to stop laughing first. you killed me with the phal.. read more
barleygirl

1 Year Ago

A deceased best friend & I used to text daily . . . one time we tried to think of all the different .. read more
Woody

1 Year Ago

I see what you're doing. trying to re-win me over :) it's ok, I forgive you.
when I began to .. read more
Haha....don't kill your darlings, woody.., that's the sacred rule...this one is a gem as well...
I am not that creeped out my insects..(it's the lemurs and possoms that freak me out)..but somehow that nasty fly (oh..sod it!) managed to make me feel icky...


Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

aaah another positive review! thanks a bunch, Dear. I'm super glad you liked it.
I've never s.. read more
Brilliant - it would take me a long time to write a piece like this. It's very well put together and the idea of the mix up with the arms is great.
Well done!
Alan

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

thank you so much, my friend for stopping to read and for the compliment. I'm particularly partial t.. read more

First Page first
Previous Page prev
1
Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

1014 Views
30 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on February 4, 2016
Last Updated on February 22, 2016
Tags: surgery, amputation, error

Author

Woody
Woody

Mateur, Bizerte, Tunisia



About
ok, time for an update I think. my old friends have come to know me pretty well, I trust so this is for the new comers. I'm a Tunisian 60-year-old teacher-cum-translator, book worm who enjoys writing.. more..

Writing
Apology Apology

A Story by Woody


White Chapel White Chapel

A Story by Woody



Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..


Meditation Meditation

A Story by Woody


Anniversary Anniversary

A Story by Woody


Fragrant party Fragrant party

A Story by Woody


dyslexia dyslexia

A Story by Woody