Alive but not living.

Alive but not living.

A Poem by Gee
"

Living after the death of a life-long love

"
In armchair old his body slumped
beside the unlit fire,
in a rested state, serenaded by
that evenings crickets choir.

Old and weary, bathed and clean
fresh clothes against his skin,
a hearty meal he'd tiredly ate
lay heavy deep within.

His age lined face, sun baked and dry,
fatigued, tired eyes half shut,
a ribbon red on jaw line shaved
where carelessly he'd cut.

Strains of "their" song filled the air
a smile played 'cross his lips,
he pictured his wife of fifty years
as she was all breasts and hips.

A tear he wiped from parchment cheek
a tear of loss and love,
two years now since she left his side
to wait for him above.

Two years alive not living
he wanted off life's ride,
ready now in prayer he'd asked
to be taken to her side.












© 2017 Gee



Author's Note

Gee
Might have tenses muddled,confuse myself at times

My Review

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Featured Review

"He was ready now,in prayer he'd asked,
to be taken to her side,
two years alive, not living,
he wanted off life's ride. " ... Gee the entire poem was gorgeous - i have tiny suggestion - I would have loved to have read the second line in the stanza here as the finisher - its a showstopper of a line - a heartwrencher
:)

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Gee

2 Years Ago

Have made the tiny change.Suppose this one is subconsciously written from my point of view.No good m.. read more



Reviews

Beautiful
Moving
Sentimental

Posted 2 Months Ago


Gee

2 Months Ago

Thank you..
Hello! I run an Instagram account that promotes the work of others, I am in love with this piece and was wondering if I’d be able to post it *you will be credited of course*

Posted 2 Months Ago


Gee

2 Months Ago

Feel free my friend. Thanks for the review
My grandpa prayed a lot and would talk out loud in his room to my grandma after she passed away. He missed her terribly.

Posted 3 Months Ago


Gee

3 Months Ago

That's sad. If there is a God, which I doubt, I'd selfishly ask he take me before my wife as life wi.. read more
Poetic Beauty

3 Months Ago

It was heartbreaking to hear him tell her how much he missed her. They were married over 50 years wh.. read more
The title looks so crisp and creative.
Wow! You've described it so well to form images in my mind.
Kudos:)

Posted 6 Months Ago


Gee

6 Months Ago

Cheers......
So many truths in your words here Gee. My Mum has been waiting fifteen years to be with my Dad again. Fifteen years of living as half of who they were, never morbid, just ready. What are meant to be our golden years, our twilight, becomes a punishment for outlasting others, staring at that fireplace and wishing, wishing, wishing.
A truly beautiful and profound piece.

Posted 10 Months Ago


Gee

10 Months Ago

Thank you Nemo, hoping I pop my clogs before the good lady wife, but not for a wee while yet
Beautiful, bittersweet poem. I saw my grandfather go through exactly this after my grandmother passed away. The imagery is amazing, ‘old and weary, bathed and clean’ and ‘Two years alive, not living,’ spoke to me.

Some constructive criticism:

In the first stanza the meter feels off to me, specifically the ‘serenaded by,’ part. I read ‘serenaded’ as having four syllables maybe in should have three. Also I would drop the ‘s’ on ‘crickets’ to make it ‘cricket choir’. It just rolls off the tongue easier that way.

In the second stanza, ‘a hearty meal he’d tiredly ate,’ struck me, because my grandfather basically stopped eating much after grandma died, though he would put the same portions on his plate. So I read the line and thought, ‘a hearty meal he’d hardly ate,’. Just a thought.

In the fourth stanza, ‘he pictured his wife of fifty years,’ the image is good but the meter feels off. How about, ‘he sees his wife of fifty years,’?

Again, wonderful poem, I look forward to reading more of your work!

*Disclaimer: None of what I have written was meant as an attack. It is simply me trying to help make the piece the best it can be through constructive criticism. All of the above is my opinion and as such the author can take it or ignore it as they wish!


Posted 10 Months Ago


Gee

10 Months Ago

Hi Lawrence, I will look at your suggestions and tweak as required, thank you. No need for the discl.. read more
Your metre is perfect and I only saw one possible grammar point It is really beautiful expressing with great success the way this man is feeling after eating his dinner and sad thoughts and feelings wander into his mind as he rests.I think it is wonderful

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Thank you kindly
I suppose losing someone is bad enough, but being unable to cope with the memory must be devastating.
Life's ride is a long one. Great write.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Hopefully Paul, hopefully. Thanks for having a read and commenting
It's sad to think of how difficult a separation would be between two people who have lived the majority of their lives together, the immense pain the one who is left behind, goes through. I believe you can die from a broken heart - and you've shown me how!



Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Yep, I could picture me as the old fella described. Selfishly, if there is a God, I hope he collects.. read more
this is really good!
keep writing :D

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Cheers, will do

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34 Reviews
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Added on January 2, 2015
Last Updated on June 9, 2017
Tags: love, loss, life, death.

Author

Gee
Gee

Milton Keynes, United Kingdom



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Simple words. If you want " clever " look elsewhere, if not, feel free to browse. more..

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