Twelve Shoes

Twelve Shoes

A Poem by Gee
"

The last journey of a loved one

"
Black filled the pews
not one head raised
each bowed as if in prayer,
twelve shoes
six steps in unison,
slow bore their reason there.

Down aged flags
that echoed loud
off stone and ancient glass,
these men of death
clad dark as night
heartbroken lines did pass.

As footsteps stilled
amazing Grace
through oaken beams soared high,
grief seared the cheeks
washed broken hearts
that questioned only "Why"

Then silence reigned
the air hung still
lost love they gently laid,
twelve shoes they bowed
then took their leave
having last respects thus paid.



















© 2017 Gee



Author's Note

Gee
Dipping a toe in the solemn, been a while. If any ideas to improve feel free, I'm always willing to learn. Thank you
2nd stanza to be changed perhaps
Flags are flagstones, slabs of stone

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BBP
Painted a nice picture. The pall bearers point of view was a nice change up to description of a funeral. Good write.

Posted 11 Months Ago


Gee

11 Months Ago

Thank you Bev
Original and compelling lines.

'Twelve shoes,' quite, quite inspirational.

Beccy.

Posted 11 Months Ago


Gee

11 Months Ago

Thank you Becky
Dark and disturbing.
God's own truth to anyone who's ever borne a pall.
Stunning piece of work, Gee!

Posted 11 Months Ago


Gee

11 Months Ago

Thank you, appreciate the review
You capture the solemn mood of the pallbearers and mourners alike to quite palpable effect!

Wouldn't change a thing...this is a poignant, respectfully penned poem...top write my friend!



Posted 11 Months Ago


Gee

11 Months Ago

Thank you Tom
Beautiful poem Gee.
Loved these lines:
grief seared the cheeks
washed broken hearts
Amazing imagery. Stay inspired.

Posted 11 Months Ago


Gee

11 Months Ago

Thank you..
Somber mood in this piece , fitting for such a solemn occasion. Beautiful poem.

Posted 11 Months Ago


Gee

11 Months Ago

Thank you, I appreciate greatly you reading and more importantly enjoying
Definitely the most original & interesting way I've ever seen anyone describe a funeral. I love that you didn't use anything cliché, even tho this is a commonly written scenario. Each line is well-crafted to show us the progression of ceremony & grief, yet so many unique ways of expressing this: "amazing grace thru oaken beams soared high" (great sensory description) . . . "lost love they gently laid, twelve shoes they bowed" . . . so well described.

Posted 11 Months Ago


Gee

11 Months Ago

Thank you, I try not to be to " samey "
I found this very atmospheric with beautiful descriptions which evoked the solemn mood of the piece. Well done.

Posted 11 Months Ago


Gee

11 Months Ago

Thank you kindly
I really lived this piece, and yes, it's deep and dark in a way...and I am all about dark poetry, lol.
I think, if it were me, I'd go with flagstones, as opposed to flags...I'd also add a ? after the word 'Why'.
The only reason I'd add the ?, is that it's a visual cue to the brain that emphasizes the question...sort of driving it home...and I think in this context that is the feel you want to generate...that deep, soul-wrenching cry..."Why?" I loved the flow in this poem...it was slow and solemn and measured...which is exactly the mood you want. I personally liked the "oaken" choice...and my favorite line was: that echoed cold/off stone and ancient glass,
Great imagery. Nice job!

Posted 11 Months Ago


Gee

11 Months Ago

Thank you kindly
Brilliant,Gee.I just wonder if you might change "oaken" as it is a little cliched? What do you think? Oak is not right for the metre.How about" old oak beams".I love it.You have produced a beautiful set of images ,all the metre is perfect.I only criticise because usually people like it and that's why we are here.I love all of your poems that I have read so far.You are skilled and full of feeling.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Gee

1 Year Ago

Intake it as a suggestion not criticism, and will consider your option. Thank you for your very kin.. read more
Gee

1 Year Ago

I take......
Maria12

1 Year Ago

Thank you.I am glad you are happy for suggestions.

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1373 Views
48 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on October 8, 2016
Last Updated on September 16, 2017
Tags: Love, death, funeral, mourning

Author

Gee
Gee

Milton Keynes, United Kingdom



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Simple words. If you want " clever " look elsewhere, if not, feel free to browse. more..

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