The Anti-Fairytale

Poem about someone I hope I never have to see again.

You say I'm not all right

You say I'm not okay

You drag me farther down

Into the pit of your resentment

 

You hunt me in my dreams

I'm saddened into sleep

I hide under my covers

As you stalk me like a vampire

 

You cause me pain by day

and frighten me by dark

You lace my sweetest dreams

With hatred and self loathing

 

I tried so hard to help

I think you're too far gone

I can barely help myself

You've succeeded in destroying me

 

"Everything's all right,

Everything's okay"

Say storybooks for children

written down by dark-eyed secret-keepers

 

soft voices of lovers

Narrarate the fairytales 

Make the world seem innocent

and maybe even beautiful

 

But I'm telling you right now

Fairytales aren't true

Maybe now you'll realize

That you've turned me into you.

 

Author's Note

Thank you to Kris for the review that basically turned this poem from crap into something workable!

Reviews

[Kris]

This piece requires some direction. I don't believe you knew exactly what you wanted to do with this piece as you change style several times within it. You begin with something that resembles a refrain but abandon that towards the end. Before anything else, I think you should decide what you want this piece to be. With that said, you need to reword a few things. You said "stupid things" several times in a few of your stanzas, not a bad phrase necessarily, but spoken repeatedly comes across as sophomoric. Honestly, after rereading, I think I prefer the last two stanzas to the rest of the piece. You use some decent imagery in those last few lines. Expand upon your imagery. Describe exactly what sort of pages you're talking about. Are they blank pages? Pages from the storybook you mentioned earlier in the piece? Describe. Also, as another rule, try not to come across as preaching to your audience. Make us work for it. Describe what it is you want to say by using metaphors and imagery instead of just ranting. With some work, you could make this a decent poem.

Cheers.

[Alaina]

I like this, its a very intresting piece youve conveyed your thought nicely, want to look it over because it changes directions a few, times, but in a way i think thats what makes this such a great poem. Excellent work !
- keep up the awesome work my dear!

[Angel's Lady]

Oh snap! This is an awesome write!

But I'm telling you right now
Fairytales aren't true
Maybe now you'll realize
That you've turned me into you.

This verse sealed the deal and made it perfect. Great write!

[Chris]

That was so good... it was so true to the relational condition of escape. it reminded me of the conscious speaking to the ways of our heart, in doing the things we know we ought not to do, but do anyway... thanks for that... it sent some shivers throught the system... ;)

[Dalaina Renee]

Wow, good job one this piece!