Eradicator of Paradise

A knight goes into a ruin to slay a beast that has been ensuing trouble for nearby villages. But the creature turns out to be more than a mere animal...

The massive ruin hummed in silence as the knight slowly walked in. He paused, feeling his body jump inside his armor in fright as the giant door shut with a thunderous sound. He sighed, carefully adjusting his helmet. He knew that would not be the only noise that will scare him. The knight cautiously walked down the wide staircase that cascaded to the moss-covered floor of the ruin. He glanced around, almost admiring the abandoned ambiance of the dust-covered rubble. The knight leisurely strolled to the center of the ruin, noticing the large openings in the ceiling were his only source of light. The area around the light were nothing but prowling shadows, dancing and teasing the knight’s vision.

He placed his hand on the hilt of his sword, growing nervous and felt his stomach make acrobatic moves without his permission. The knight was quite aware of his task: Slay the beast that haunted the ruin and even ensued trouble for other villages that lived near the Bloodwoods. At first, the knight wanted to run away and never come back, but he quickly remembered what happened to those who rejected or disobeyed the King’s order: execution. 

A sharp chill ran down the knight’s spine, throwing him back into reality. He grumbled, and kicked the dirt in frustration. Sure he was a knight, but that didn't mean he was ready to give up his life for some people who couldn't think for themselves and lived near the damn Bloodwoods on their own terms. Was it his problem that people were stupid or ignorant? No, of course not! Heck, the knight never wanted to be a knight. He wanted to be a traveler, and explore other lands. Instead, he got terrible night shifts and too much paperwork a knight shouldn't even have to deal to begin with.

As the knight fumbled through his cynical thoughts, a soft rumble ascended from the moss-covered ground. The knight looked around, walking away instinctively. He almost fell backwards when the ground shook violently. He struggled with maintaining his balance, spreading his arms to stabilize his stance. He gasped as he saw the ground crack open; rocks and debris flying into the sun-kissed air. 

An ear-piercing screech pounced on his ears, making him cry out in pain. The knight shook his head from being further stunned, and looked up. The knight then felt a sinking feeling anchor him down. A massive beast did appear from the ground; but it wasn't some animal with fur or even hooves. It was a giant insect. A giant, black centipede to be exact. It’s onyx eyes were beady and shiny, eyeing the knight with hunger. Its mandibles and antennae slithered on its head; making the knight feel queasy just by looking at it.

The centipede howled, and lunged at the knight. He narrowly dodged the giant bug and unsheathed his sword. The creature dug into the ground, and disappeared. The knight stared at the moss-caked floor and tried to predict where the beast might appear. The ground shook, causing pebbles from the ceiling to crumble down the pillars. The ground near the knight exploded, causing him to fly to the ground. He grunted, realizing combat in his type of armor was something he needed to get used to. He saw the beast slither in the air like a serpent, its black beady eyes glaring the knight. 

It snarled, and lunged towards the knight; its mandibles hissing. In a single movement, the knight dug his sword into the beast’s head; black blood squirting out. It shrieked, realizing it was stuck. The knight chuckled sardonically, and dug the blade in deeper. As the giant centipede withered and wrestled with the sharp blade, the knight jumped onto the insect’s flat head. He grunted as he tugged the blade up the beast’s head; its agonizing screeching only fueling his strength. He plunged the blade deeper, struggling with the beast’s sudden frenzied movements. 

“How are you still alive?!” the knight hissed through gritted teeth. The beast rose and jerked its head side-to-side, trying to swing the knight off. Clutching the sword and trying not to fall off, the knight unsheathed a dagger and gouged one of the creature’s eyes out. It bellowed and cried out in pain. The knight held on to the hilt of the sword, feeling the creature plummet to the ground. 

A resounding crash echoed in the chamber. Dust and debris flew into the air. And the creature slowly stopped wriggling. 

The knight carefully hopped off the insect’s head and pulled out his sword and dagger. He tossed them to the ground, not wanting to touch the black substance that stuck to the metal. He sighed, feeling his heart pound against his chest and his lungs desperate for air. He breathed heavily, realizing how quick and rather easy the battle was. The knight backed away from the creature, staring at it with awe but swelling with curiosity on how simple the task was. Surely, there was more to it than this.

The knight picked up his weapons, was careful not to touch the black-covered blades, and slowly walked away from the dead body. The knight exhaustingly made his way to the entrance of the ruin, thinking about the battle and wondered on how to report to the King as to what had happened. However, before the knight could leave, a soft hiss caught his attention. He spun around, and gasped in horror.

The creature’s body suddenly began to evaporate. Tendrils of black smoke slithered into the air, hissing with life. The body of the centipede unraveled as the shadows flew into different directions. As the swirling shadows disappeared, the physical body simply went nonexistent. As if it was never there...

Author's Note

Well, my first-somewhat-official fantasy story on here. I feel this could be an interesting prologue to something big. But, for now, we'll keep it simple. :)

Reviews and comments are always appreciated. No matter how useless or useful.

NOTE: This is my first time using "tags". A sitetool I really never use. But I thought I might give it a try.

Reviews

[Tara]

I like your start here. We get introduced to a rather interesting character right away. First of all, you have good pacing. You don't get stuck on images for too long. However, especially at the beginning, we're inside the characters head a lot, stuck in thoughts. "Was it his problem that people were stupid or ignorant? No, of course not! Heck, the knight never wanted to be a knight. He wanted to be a traveler, and explore other lands." This was one place in the story I got yanked out of the story a bit. How were people stupid or ignorant? And why is the knight just telling us, "I never wanted to be here?" Here's a suggestion for you: move these thoughts to the very end of the story, where you've earned them a bit more. Back them up with some concrete images. The knight buffing some small stain off his armor, irritated, or someone criticizing his technique. We can get these thoughts with images to back them up, and writing is a lot of playing around and balancing image and thought to create something where we're telling some, showing some, always stringing the reader along, making them curious but not frustrated.
That said, you're on the right track here. Early drafts need those thoughts plainly stated so that we can sift through them later and ask, "Is this necessary? How do I show this in an interesting and effective way?" Once you've gotten through the first few drafts, then you can start to really give those revelations the weight they deserve. But you are on a good path, and I hope I see more of this character!

[Crimson Bayonet]

Thank you for the review Tara. I'm glad the knight was immediately interesting at the start. I will take your suggestion to heart :)

[Bear]

Interesting concept, I question your "leisurely strolled" statement in the first paragraph though. After all but saying he was scared and "cautiously walked down the wide staircase" the visual of him leisurely strolling at that moment in the story seems out of place. Other than that the story builds at a nice pace and makes you want to know what is going to happen next, I hope you keep this story line alive and allow us to follow its progress. Thank you for letting me read it.

[Crimson Bayonet]

Thank you for the review Bear. The scene where the knight leisurely strolls was meant to be ironic, or stupid of the character to do so. It was meant to be out of place, as this was a rather "subtle humor" writing. But feel free to question the writing. The knight, after all, isn't bright in a sense where he should always be alert for danger. :)

[Bear]

Ah! I see, I didn't get the hint but now see where you were going.

[Crimson Bayonet]

It's all right. If anything, I'm glad you pointed it out. It helps me better explain my writing and help me get a better sense of what the reader understands.

[prymore]

nice story you should continue with this

[Crimson Bayonet]

Thank you for comment Prymore. I have been gathering ideas for expanding this story.

[Melissa R.]

I could easily see this turning into something. I'm very curious as to what the Knight was doing there and what happens after it dissolves. I hope you continue with it. I want to know more about the Knight. We understand only very little about him from this snap shot.

[Crimson Bayonet]

Thank you for the review Melissa. I should point out it explains as to why the knight was in the ruin. And it was intentional for the reader to learn little about the knight.

[Melissa R.]

True you do I meant more in a general sense as to why this was happening at the ruin I guess. Sorry for the confusion :)

[Crimson Bayonet]

Oh, don't worry about. It was meant to be vague. If anything it was just a mentioned motif.

[WriterGirl101]

I really enjoyed this. It's a great story. I could see everything in my minds eye... Can't wait to read more of your writings. :)

[Crimson Bayonet]

Thank you for the review WriterGirl101! I greatly appreciate it, and I hope you enjoy my further writings :)

[WriterGirl101]

You're very welcome. You should go read some of mine to as well. ;)

[Oberon Duke]

I could definitely see this is the start to something more. Your description of the action was excellent, maybe the strongest point of the writing. I could see the event unfolding. Fantastic use of a variety of good verbs to bring the action to life.

My only criticism would be the occasional overuse of words, such as in the last paragraph where you use the word "shadow" a bit too much, or in the middle where you did the same with "screech" and "screeched." This is a very, very common mistake in writing. Try to use a bit more variety, overuse of words is a surefire way to make writing feel choppy and repetitive. That was the only thing that really jumped out at me, though.

I enjoyed this a lot though, and would certainly be interested in seeing more of this story. Good job and thanks for posting!

[Crimson Bayonet]

Thank you for the review Duke. I now realize the overuse of certain words. What can I say? I'm practically a dunce when it comes to writing. xD I'm glad the descriptions were a strong point in the story, as that was my goal for this tale. I'm used to writing dialogues instead of descriptions, so I decided to span out and try out the description department. Clearly, I still need some work. :) Again, thank you for the review. Greatly appreciate it!

[Riley Justine]

An amazing attention grabber. The best part about this is that it started with my attention and ended with my attention. Really well penned. Good job.

[Crimson Bayonet]

Thank you for the review Raven. I greatly appreciate it! :)

[Jennie Baron]

Definitely attention-grabbing, and the end is perfect! I can also see it as the beginning of a much larger story. Very well done!

[Crimson Bayonet]

Thank you for the review Jennie! I greatly appreciate it :)

[Mila]

Congratulations on your work winning the Need Reviews? II contest! It was well earned! :)
It caught my attention from the start and kept it throughout. Well done!

-Mila