Fall From Hell

Lately, I'm writing things I didn't know were in me. This is the darkest thing I've ever written and it scares me.

Yes, oh yes
     You can ignore me
     Deny me
Because you live while I do not
In the briefest of moments
     When you die
     You will know the truth

In your pain

     My passion will alight

In your muted horror
     My cries will be heard
In your binding
     My gestures will be felt
In breaking you
     My obsession will be complete

Author's Note

I don't really know how I feel about this piece. I've written dark stories before but never anything like this. Please provide constructive comments.

Reviews

[Angelic Darkness]

This is a good poem. I felt the rawness, the passion you wanted to
portray to the readers. It's wickedly dark...and don't be afraid,
we give out cookies on the dark side LOL! In all seriousness though,
even my own darkness scares me, but it's fun exploring it with words.
Good job, keep up the good work:)...AD

[Stacy]

I really enjoyed this. It felt like I was there watching every occurrence.

[STurner]

Dear Mr.Jodie,

I am sincerely pleased that you are in the neighborhood. Three internships this summer and a not too particular "good fit" has unfortunately led me away from writing friends. So alas, I have returned and have read your Fall From Hell. It is earthy but I am left wanting... tell me more... the poem is brief and yet so true. I need more though... I would ask you WHY you feel the need to express: "I've written dark stories before but never anything like this." You sound concerned, perhaps fearful. Good fellow, we all have our dark side. I would ask you to love your sadist, to embrace your dark force, to revel in your unexpressed serial murderer. Ah yes, the delight of our personal darkness... where would Edgar Allan Poe, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and others like them have been if they hadn't lovingly embraced their personal darkness?

Ask yourself "Did you feel alive, empowered or joyful when you wrote this work?" If any or all of these things are true, then dig deeper. Dare to glance into the mirror most darkly. If none of these things are true, then why write?

If none of this is right, then you can of course take this as the ramblings of an old iconoclast, as mad as a hatter.

Peace and blessings,

SLTurner

[TL Boehm]

wow, this one illicits a visceral response. Sometimes poems just rise up and write themselves. Well done.

[Nicholas Hallows]

Although what you have here is really good I also agree that this could be worked on and developed even more to make it even better. I think the chant-like repetition of the second stanza works well but could have even more effect if you had another few stanzas repeating the patterns of the two you already have here or just a final stanza cementing the second in the middle. Either way its a really good poem or a great start. NH

[An owl on the moon]

I lived in darkness for some ten years and your description is quite vivid as to how overwhelming and destructive it can be. Such a poignant work with so many others barely making it through the day, sitting on the edge of a blade. Incredible!

[Lou R]

It is dark, but I sense it's a darkness felt by most of us. Who among us hasn't felt the sting of obsession at one point or another in our lives? I particularly liked the contrast of the images in the middle of the second verse :)

[Laurel Ducky]

i love this
but it kind of seems like its not quite finished
like it needs another verse formatted like the first one.
maybe im just OCD.

[THE [ME]GEAN]

Its a wonderful piece, dad. Dark, and its scary to think that I know a little of what its about- even if you dont know yourself. I love the way you organise the abc's in such simple ways.

"In your muted horror
In your binding
In breaking you"

and

"My cries will be heard
My gestures will be felt
My obsession will be complete"

I think it might even be a good song if you work on it more and make it longer. Do you mind if I put a riff to it?

[Nina Love]

you should really enter this in my contest for "Dealing with the Devil"
this is a really great peice.