Unspoken Words of a Broken Heart

Finally writing down all the things I wish I could have said to my ex

I've tried time and time again to understand what went wrong. What was the turning point that made everything go to s**t? What did I do wrong to deserve this? But the truth of it is, there was no turning point. There was never a single moment that changed us. We were just two very different people. Everything about who we were was different, and maybe that’s what caused the initial problems.

Things weren't always so bad I guess. When we started out, you told me I was beautiful and acted like I was an angel in your presence. But that didn't last long. Soon, there was fighting, name calling, emotional abuse I was too caught up in love to acknowledge. I wanted you to love me. I wanted to be loved so badly that I was willing to take the bad with the good. But not long into things, there was so much bad and not enough good. I kept telling myself it was my fault. I wasn't a good enough girlfriend, or I didn't pay enough attention to you. I didn't want to admit to myself that I had gotten into such a mess. I didn't want to admit that I willingly put myself in a relationship this toxic. So, I lied to myself. I ignored the signs. The angry outbursts were because you were stressed. I shouldn't have done what I did. I beat myself up time and time again over your issues. I let you beat me, call me names, make me feel like I wasn't good enough for anything all in the name of love. I told myself you were trying to help me. I told myself that I couldn't leave because you loved me too much and I didn't want to break your heart. The saddest part is that through all of the pain, I never wanted to hurt you.

I told myself that I needed to be better for you; that I was the monster in this relationship. The emotional battles that went on inside my head would break anyone. I was broken before I knew what happened. I spent all my time trying (and failing) to make you happy that I let myself fall apart in the process. I let you break me down into so many pieces; I don’t think I will ever be able to make myself whole again. I won’t ever feel like I am deserving of all of someone else’s love again. And if that’s what your goal was, then congratulations, you succeeded tenfold.

I let you into my heart, into my head, and all you did was s**t on everything I believed love should be. I don’t think I will ever forgive you. I've tried. So many times I tried to bury the hatchet. To start over as friends, but you couldn't do that. You won’t stop until everything about me is broken. So instead of saying I forgive you, I’ll just hope that one day, you realize the torment you've put me through. And I hope it brings you to your knees like it has me so many times. I hope you realize the pain that I went through trying to stay with you and I hope your heart breaks as mine did. But after that, I do hope you find love and happiness. I hope you use us as a lesson on what not to do. I hope you realize what you've done so that you can work on being better for someone else. I don’t know if that is pathetic or stupid of me to wish of you or not, but it is what I wish.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I did some terrible things when I was with you. I said and did things I will never be able to take back and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. The time I spent with you changed me. It turned me into someone I didn't know I was capable of ever becoming and I will spend forever regretting the things I have done. But I hope you can do what I can’t. I hope you can forgive me for not being better to you. I hope you find peace in your heart one day and I hope, with me finally out of the picture, your life gets better and you become someone you can be proud of.

Reviews

[Melobldnfr]

My tears are spilling over. Of all I've read today that has opened me up, this has tipped the scale. I've not much mourned the death of my last relationship because I've felt foolish and needed to be strong. And now, to this person, it's as if I never existed. It is a struggle every day, not as many times a day now, but still - fighting the dark, ugly things this person planted in my head regarding sense-of-self. Thank you for sharing, for I am realizing the need to grieve.

[...]

This was a very relate able powerhouse of human emotion. Love isn't always pretty

[Dayran]

A strong and fair statement on a position with the person we love ... that breaks up a relationship but saves the love we treasure. Wonderful.

[Chris]

You definitely caught the attention of the reader. Strong and emotional wording. Drawing and relate-able text.

[Nila M.]

Having left a 12 year relationship and marriage I can really relate to the feelings here. Very very difficult to put things back in order sometimes. Thank you for sharing this.

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This took a tremendous amount of courage to write. I admire your strength for not running away from such powerful words.

[Coyote Poetry]

A strong story about real life and regret. All of us know regret. Few of us learn the easy way.
"I hope you find peace in your heart one day and I hope, with me finally out of the picture, your life gets better and you become someone you can be proud of."
I like the above lines. Left the reader with the understanding of hope they have found some sort of peace. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote