Oh Why, Oh Why...

Experimental poem

 

How
Can

Just

One
Hello

Turn
My

Legs

Into
Jell-O

While
Everything

You

Do
Makes

My
Heart

Flutter?

I

Feel

So

Alive

When

You’re

Around…

Yet

It’s
Not

Fair.

My

Chances

With

You
Are

Very

Slim.

So
I’ll

Just
Be

Another

Face

In

The
Crowd…

Author's Note

This just came to me... and I know this is super mushy and a thing everyone reads everyday on WC, but whatever. Deal with it. Haha, I'm just kidding...I'm not that mean. ^___^"

Reviews

[kaiti]

i love the structure and how you make some words with different font and colors.
Nice work.

[Bennett Logan]

Distant, forlorn love is a terrible situation that everyone's had to deal with. To compound it all, you're the only person of the two who feels as such. Anytime a relationship is that one-sided, it's bound to end badly -- I think, anyway. In that respect, this piece is more than accessible. Anyone can read this and think, "Yep. I know what that's like."

What I can see happening in this poem is a picture slowly emerging. The image tapers off around the middle (line 18 or so), the language goes from descriptive to explanatory, and then the narrator goes off into telling her love how he affects her. I'd be interested in seeing the rest of the image described through colorful and descriptive languge.

Also, I like the staccato form that this poem is taking. I just think that the words could be bundled just a little bit closer. For example:

How Can
Just One Hello
Turn My Legs
Into Jell-O
While Everything
You Do
Makes
My Heart
Flutter?

I just broke the lines at the shortest natural pauses, and I think it helps show off the really fun flow you have going on in this piece. I hope my suggestions can be of some use. Have a good one and definately keep up the good work.

[Noename]

I personally really like it. I like the style of which you wrote it in.
Currently, I too am dealing with a most-likely one sided love. Its hard to deal with, but that poem really expresses it.

Thank you for sharing!

[Kevon]

woow, nice..I can relate

[[untitled]]

A very cute "experiment". Thank you for sharing

[Kara Emily Krantz]

supermushy yes. hahah i love your note - you're just like deal with it. yes, this has some common sentiments in it, but i really liked the way you set it up - i especially liked the beginning - up to the jello point? that was a great verse in itself :)

hugs