Paradise Lost

Paper hearts.

No paper clips.

Just paper cuts.

Tin cups and string nights

connected and collected

like thoughts of the

darkest and enlightened plots.

A sword to fall on; such as,

a poets lust.

Yikes!

-Was her reply.

We both believed in the power of magic.

So hungry for the knowledge to provide one another,

but we were only willing to share half of the brain.

So Divine;

yet,

tragic.

The view...

Of your soul

was solely my food.

Causing me to sleepwalk through

dewy slumbers

with nothing to remember.

Drowning...

But finally,

your heart has been unveiled

as a cloud of omens.

I mean amens.

A love cursed,

yet blessed.

I dare you to love me.

Author's Note

T.W.A
Gothpel

Reviews

[wordman]

it is certainly creative sin,great write

[Rynn]

"Paper hearts.
No paper clips.
Just paper cuts." - There is such an array of emotion and possibilities here. I thought of these lines as a steady decline of happiness. I really thought they flowed well.

"Tin cups and string nights
connected and collected
like thoughts of the
darkest and enlightened plots." - I love the rhyme scheme. The overall rhythm of the piece is great, it guides me through the lines and really makes me want to keep reading. Dark, enlightened plots is an amazing description. I love the possibilities behind it.

"A sword to fall on; such as,
a poets lust.
Yikes!
-Was her reply." - I don't know if comic relief was intended here within the confines of a darker piece, but that's what I got from the yikes here, and It's interesting to me because I read through it and as I did, I thought it would be a jarring change of pace - but it actually worked very well. It didn't disrupt the motion of the lines.

"We both believed in the power of magic.
So hungry for the knowledge to provide one another,
but we were only willing to share half of the brain." - I like the concept of magic in all forms, but it's relatable; being hungry for knowledge and magic.

"So Divine;
yet,
tragic.
The view...
Of your soul
was solely my food." - I feel something cynical about these lines, the tragedy of being hungry for someone else's soul - unless I am taking the idea of it too literally. Perhaps the concept of destroying something beautiful for your own personal betterment?

"Causing me to sleepwalk through
dewy slumbers" - beautifully described.

"your heart has been unveiled
as a cloud of omens." - I don't feel these lines were quite enough to get the idea across. Perhaps consider some restructuring?

"I mean amens.
A love cursed,
yet blessed.
I dare you to love me." - I liked the contradictions in these lines, but maybe rethink the use of 'a love cursed, yet blessed.' simply for the avoidance of cliche's because it is a poem at least partially about love and people grow wary of cliche descriptions. Good read, thank you much! Write On.

-Rynn

[Valentine]

Sleep walking through dewy slumbers, a poet lusting for the right words to complete his thoughts, some great ideas in this write. Valentine

[JPDonelan]

I say this often, but it is worth repeating: I do not know my way around poetry particularly well, so take my comments with more salt than usual.

A couple issues/uncertainties/observations.

The first has to do with the line "darkest and enlightened plots." Specifically, "enlightened" is a little clunky (at least with how I read it). There are a number of angles where the source of the problem could lie, but I believe it stems from the lack of measure with the term enlightened. "Darkest" sets the stage, being the most extreme variant of "dark." Enlightened, however, lacks any modifier to its measure. Context would suggest the word "most" might be an apt word to include, potentially even replacing the word "and". My suggestion in regards to this (which you are free to ignore) would be to have the line come out something like "darkest, most enlightened plots". Assuming I got the intended meaning from the line, this construction helps with the flow of the line and in keeping "enlightened" in a functioning way.

Line 8: Not sure about the semi-colon or the words after it. Might work better if you move the two words to the next line and remove the comma.
Line 9: "poets" should possessive "poet's".

I can't help but feel the formatting, length of lines, and how many syllables per line hurt the piece some. I'm thinking specifically of its impact on the meter. Breaking it into related stanzas (lines 1-3, 4-7, etc.) might help with that. Might remove some of the blurring between sections that I did notice. Just an idea; may not work for what you were going for.

That said, I think this was decent work. Keep it up.