Totally Trashed

How long, exactly, can an idiot survive? If you're stupid enough to rob a 7-11, come back four hours later and purchase items from the same store with the cash you stole, do you deserve to live?

“Man, it is friggin’ hot out today!” The rest of the crew eyed Kevin with extreme dislike when he made that statement. He had a rather annoying habit of stating the obvious.

“No s**t man, we hadn’t noticed,” Frank replied, his voice dripping sarcasm as they continued to pick up the trash strewn across the side of the road. Being a part of the prison crew that was given the “privilege” of retrieving the trash off the side of the road was no picnic, but it was better than staring at the prison walls twenty-four/seven. Yet, being forced to listen to Kevin’s crap, almost made the rest of the crew wish they were back in their cells.

The guy was a class-A dipshit.

First clue: He was in prison for robbing a 7-11. Oh, not simply ’cause he robbed it, no that wasn’t why he got tossed in prison. It was ’cause after robbing the place, he came back four hours later, used some of the stolen cash to buy a friggn’ Slurpee and a goddamn pack of smokes and the f*****g clerk recognized his voice. What a dipshit.

“Hey, Frank, there’s a can over there, don’t miss it,” Kevin told Frank helpfully, in a cheerful voice.

Frank clenched his jaw, tried to ignore Kevin’s helpful tip, stabbed at the can, and stuffed it into his trash bag. If the four of them could get away with shoving the moron out into traffic, they would. But even the guards wouldn’t allow that, no matter that Kevin annoyed them too. Frank only had three more weeks before he was out, he didn’t need to get into it with Kevin before then and screw up his chance of getting out of here, he thought to himself as he sent a glare at the idiot.

“Hey, do you guys think we could convince Moron Boy that the guards want him to meander on over to the other side of the road and pick up trash over there?” Dirk whispered to the rest of the crew as Kevin wandered several feet ahead of them. 

Frank, Mike, and Cain all eyed Dirk expectantly, waiting for his explanation of how he was going to pull off that stunt.

            When he didn’t say anything Frank spoke up, “You really think you can convince him to do it?”

Dirk snorted. “Please, Frank, the guy is a total idiot. You know how he got in here, same as the rest of us.”

Frank glanced over to where Kevin stood; staring out over the traffic, muttering to himself about God knew what. Yeah, Moron Boy would probably skip right on over to the other side of the road. He could just picture it in his head, just like a game of Frogger. The guards would freak and either chase him down or shoot his a*s. Frank smirked at the picture it presented. “Go for it Dirk,” he told him. As Frank and the others watched, Dirk strolled over to Kevin.

“Hey, Kev, someone needs to go on over to the other side of the road there and get the trash. You wanna do it?” Dirk grinned at Kevin as he spoke.

Kevin frowned for a minute, his brows drawn together as if his mind were trying to process the information Dirk had just given him. Dirk hoped he didn’t burn out any brain cells while trying to figure it out, he didn’t have too many to spare. “Uh, yeah sure I’ll do it, Dirk. No problem. Do I need one of the guards to go with me?”

Damn, how come this one time Moron Boy had to get smart? Dirk thought silently. “Gee, I don’t see why, they can see you from here.”

Kevin gave him a fat grin, nodded and stepped to the edge of the road. Dirk beat a hasty retreat back to the rest of the crew. Immediately, they all looked busy, rapidly picking up trash, and studiously avoiding looking in Kevin’s direction.

The next thing they knew, they heard the squeal of tires, honking of horns, and a loud thud. In unison, the four men turned to look at the spot where Kevin had just been standing. Each one winced involuntarily at the sight that greeted them.

Kevin had stepped out in front of an onrushing Escalade, which had struck him, flinging him several hundred feet through the air.

The driver of the vehicle jumped out and ran to the front of his car, eyes wide in shock. “Jesus Christ! He just stepped right out in front of the car! Like, with no warning or anything, he just walked right out in front of me! I couldn’t avoid him! Why would he do that? What the hell? What kind of dipshit would do that?”

The four remaining prisoners looked at each other, and it took a great deal of effort to keep the grins off their faces when the Escalade driver asked that final question. They knew exactly what kind of a dipshit it took to step out in front of a speeding SUV.

It took the kind if dipshit that would rob a 7-11, go back four hours later, and use the stolen money from that same store to purchase items from the store. It took the kind of dipshit who told you it was hot out, when it was 105 degrees, and everyone is already sweating their balls off on the side of a freeway picking up trash, dressed in a prison jumpsuit. It took the kind of dipshit who tried to joke with the guards by asking them every f*****g morning, “Oh, hey fancy seeing you here.” Or “Hey, you come here often?”

Yep, that was exactly the kind of, complete, totally, moronic, dipshit that would step out in front of an Escalade doing ninety miles an hour.

The four men shook their heads and turned away as the guards called for backup and an ambulance, not that it would do Kevin much good. Dirk grinned at the others, “Well, it’s gonna be a hell of a lot quieter out here from now on gentlemen.”      

Frank squinted up at the sun and nodded in agreement. “Almost makes it seems cooler out here, don’t it boys?”

The other men chuckled as they continued picking up trash. The total lack of stupid comments was complete bliss to their ears.

            Frank knew he would make it to his exit date now. Should he feel guilty about Kevin? Maybe, just a bit. But if he were honest with himself, the guy was a waste of both flesh and oxygen. No one that moronic should be allowed to live. He thanked God above the guy didn’t have any kids.

Lord, could you imagine it? He thought to himself.

Reviews

[Claire in VA]

This story reminds me of this--
There is a guy in my community who robbed a small convenience store of lottery tickets.
Then he went to a different store about 5 minutes away to cash in a ticket!
How dumb can one get?

Very nice story-telling. Unfortunately, the type of language used here is typical....
almost normal. I find that very sad.

Nice write.

~Claire

[Victoria Kaer]

My father in law owned a 7-11 for a very long time and there was regular customer that EVERYONE in the neighborhood knew. He walked in one day and pointed a gun at the kid behind the counter and was all casually, "I'm robbing you." The kid thought it was joke but he was serious, so he gave him the money and they arrested him like an hour later.

I get what you're saying about the language being normal, but I was thinking these guys are all in prison so they probably think very straight forward and certainly aren't going to get all flowery with their descriptions of things. I tried to keep it real, how I thought they might act and talk.
Thanks much for the review!

[NeilandVoid]

I'm new at this cafe thing but just saw an error (i'm so use to seeing my own)
"but it was better that staring at the prison walls twenty-four/seven."
Pretty sure you meant "than", although i tend to get into my characters so who knows. I hate when people try to tell me how to write my characters so if I'm wrong, I apologize.

Interesting read By The Way, funny!

[Victoria Kaer]

No you're correct it was supposed to be than. Thanks for letting me know! Despite my fanatic editing, I still manage to miss things. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

[NeilandVoid]

Cool, I'm the same way. Salud!

[A. Amos]

VK my dear your story telling is brilliant and the subject...:) good write

[Victoria Kaer]

Thanks so much for the wonderful compliment!

[A. Amos]

You're welcome my friend

[Marie]

Realistic dialogue...clever premise. Deeper than it seems.

[Victoria Kaer]

Thanks very much for reading!

[marcusami]

i really like the writing - i was very interested in the story. i thought it was kind of dark but it seemed real. ive known people who might play with ideas similar to dirks. i cant help but feel bad for kevin.

"They knew exactly why kind of a dipshit it took to step out in front of a speeding SUV."
did you mean *what

[Victoria Kaer]

Thanks for the review! And yes I did, I will go fix that right now. (I read it over like ten times before I posted it, and still I missed it!)