Never Coming Home

Based off the songs The Ghost Of You by My Chemical Romance and When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne. Also, the book is called "Lovely Fate"

I took the letter and triangularly folded flag out of the officer's hands numbly. How could this be possible? 

He grabbed my hands and placed them around his neck before lowering his to rest against the small of my back, smiling as we twirled joyfully in circles to the beat of the song. My body was pressed tightly against his as we moved gracefully across the large dance floor, his emerald green eyes searching my dark chocolate brown ones behind his shaggy, chin length black hair. 

Tears mixed with my black eyeliner rolled down my face like a river, only to fall on the ground and explode into tiny fragments of what it once was. I sniffed as I slowly opened the letter and began to read it, the letters in his beautiful, slanted, cursive handwriting that he thought must be the ugliest in the world, but I beg to differ. 

He pulled me closer to him as the song slowed down, and we stayed that way for almost an hour until the dance was over and we were sent home. We were only 16 years old. 

I could hear the officer speaking, but I couldn't hear the words. I could see his mouth moving when I looked up at him blankly, but I could not comprehend that he was speaking. I bit my bottom lip to hold back a scream. 

Once more, my 19 year old fiance reminded me why he had to go off to war, then he smiled and kissed me, promising that he would return in time to see our baby girl, our own little princess. Then, as if to prove his point, he kissed my stomach. In a final goodbye, he hugged me tightly and held me there for a moment, then, without another word, he let go and set off on the plane headed to Afghanistan. Or at least, I think it was Afghanistan... 

I hugged the flag close to my chest, as close as humanely possible, the letter squished between my chest and the flag, my head bent forward as I cried, letting the tears fall freely down my face. "He said that he would come back..." I thought. 

Author's Note

First off, this is dedicated to all those American Soldiers who fought and didn't make it home.
Now. OMG I SO LOVE THIS SO FREAKING MUCH AND ERMAHGERD I WANT TO MAKE THIS INTO A BOOK! I say that often, but I guess I just love what I write. :P But I don't know how many other people would like it... :/ I mean, I know one of my friends would love to read it, because she loves to read what I wrote. :3

Reviews

[beautiful dreamer]

humanly not humanely thats like total different word there. sorry babe if this is going to be published im proofreading since ive read it before lol. a couple other grammar things. i numbly took instead of tacking numbly at the end there on the first sentence. begged* you have he thought in past tense so therefore beg must be in past tense too. other than those few things its perfect and i'm so proud of you!

[Silent Wolf]

Lol hank you. :3

[beautiful dreamer]

welcome :)

[Silent Wolf]

Lol, yeah. The editors all loved it, one told me it made her cry. :3

[beautiful dreamer]

awe good :)

[Silent Wolf]

The book is called "Falling In Love."

[C. Rose]

Beg doesn't have to be past tense - the character still thinks his handwriting is beautiful. It might be helpful if the entirety of the non-italic was present tense to contrast from the past tense italic.

[KittyKatgirl]

I know I read this but I never reviewed I'm sorry. I loved this, it is sad but so beautiful. It made me automatically think about all the soldiers who have lost their lives. Is this what lovely fate is based on? If it is I love it even more.

[Silent Wolf]

Yes, it is. And thank you, I'm glad this story fulfilled its purpose. :)

[KittyKatgirl]

Awesome. And it certainly did :)

[WillGrant]

I think this is a good piece. I read that you want to make it into a book, but I think it is powerful enough as is. My favorite line was "without another word, he let go and set off on the plane headed to afghanistan. Or at least, I think it was afghanistan... ". The power of that alone is worth the read. People die for no reason every day. Get hit by a bus, text to long while driving and crash, slip and fall in the bath tub. War can seem sexy, but in some cases it's almost like slipping in the tub. I myself fought in Afghanistan and knew a few who didn't make it back. Or at least...I think it was Afghanistan....Good read

[Silent Wolf]

*hugs* yes, and I did try to make it into a book, yet I didn't get very far. *hugs* I'm sorry for the loss of those lives. I wish that it had never happened.

[Taylor]

I critique on first read and then scan again for general comments. I also critique without reading other reviews until after mine has been completed. My intent is to be constructive and helpful but also honest. Nevertheless, if I fail at that, please accept my apologies and know that that was not my intent.
1) " I took the letter and triangularly folded flag out of the officer's hands numbly." I think this would be better as two sentences: Maybe something like "I took the triangularly-folded flag out of the officer's hands. Numbly, I accepted the letter from his white-gloved hands.
2) "How could this be possible?" Would it work better to say, "How could this be happening?" I don't know -- just a thought for you to consider.
3) " He grabbed my hands and placed them around his neck before lowering his to rest against the small of my back, smiling as we twirled joyfully in circles to the beat of the song. My body was pressed tightly against his as we moved gracefully across the large dance floor, his emerald green eyes searching my dark chocolate brown ones behind his shaggy, chin length black hair." This is a beautiful image and a marvelous, poignant contrast to the first paragraph with all the symbols of a burial.
4) " I sniffed as I slowly opened the letter and began to read it, the letters in his beautiful, slanted, cursive handwriting that he thought must be the ugliest in the world, but I beg to differ" -- This too might benefit from being divided into two sentences. Maybe, "I sniffed as I slowly opened the letter. His beautiful, slanted cursive covered the page. He always said his handwriting was the worst in the world, but not to me."
5) " I could see his mouth moving when I looked up at him blankly, but I could not comprehend that he was speaking." -- I would delete "blankly" and trust that the reader will deduce that.
6) "He said that he would come back..." I thought. Since you placed this in italics, you don't need "I thought." I think it's far more powerful without that.
This is a marvelous piece of writing. I especially love the juxtaposition of the scenes from their youth with those from the burial. The suggestions I have made are minor and I hope you do not feel that I'm being heavy handed in making them -- they're just suggestions, no more and no less. I'm not sure that this piece qualifies as a short story but it certainly is a beautiful piece of flash fiction. Congratulations on a great job.

[Demetri J]

Kind of disappointingly short, but still good. I feel if I was personally close to someone in the service and they got deployed to war or something I'd be able to understand this more, but as I don't have that experience I guess I just have to suspend my emotional investment. There's some effective use of description and imagery, and your words are written with a strong sense of urgency (for lack of a better term) as if everything being said the narrator feels with utmost passion. There's a passion to it that makes emotional resonance a little easier. Non-linear storytelling is one of my favorite things and I like how i was employed here, keeping it short and sweet and giving parallel narratives; one a joyful memory and one a sad discovery. My only suggestion is maybe it should have closed with the 'flashback' narrative, our closure to the story as readers would be the narrator's last words from her(?) dispatched lover. All in all, good job

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you for your suggestions. What I was trying to do with this piece (even though I've never experienced it personally) was to let everybody understand what it would feel like to lose somebody you care about out at war.

[Silent Wolf]

And yes, the narrator was a she. :) I tried to make that obvious by showing that she was pregnant when he left.

[PrestonWL]

:( :( but... good... job my friends brother, Special Agent James Terry Watson, never came home... He was like my brother too... RIP Jimmy.....

[Silent Wolf]

I'm sorry about your friend. I've actually never been in this position...

[TheWritingWriter]

As someone has already mentioned, there are grammatical errors that need to corrected. Also, this seems to be a summary told in exposition. If that is what you were going for, then it leaves a lot of gaps as to what the context of the story is. We need more dialogue and action. That's what carries a story along.

In order for your audience to care about your characters, we need more context.

I like the premise, but it's all about how you approach a large project like a novel.

Have a wonderful day!

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you. :)

[Adreamer's Bluejay]

I think it's interesting that I found this today, my boyfriend decided to tell me that he wants to enlist for the navy after high school. I have lived around the military my whole life, a lot of people in my life are involved in it one way or another, but I think you really pegged those moments in this story. i love how it is so short yet it left such an impact. Very well written. i think I heard you had made it into a book, so I am off to find that soon.

Thank you for writing this.

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you. I have honestly never been in this position, I just figured this is how it would feel. I don't anybody who has been in the army/navy since I've been alive...

[Irenic]

The story is tear jerking and soul rending. You have written beautifully. You describe the emotion s of characters in a paragraph, that is good.
You described the way she hugged the letter beautifully.

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you. :)

[Dannyisawriter]

Over all this was really good! Just try to show that it's a woman a little earlier ;)

[Silent Wolf]

Lol thanks for reading.

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

The first sentence confused me a lot. Just the way its worded. It also took a very long time for us to see the gender of the narrator. But this was very sad and you got the emotion in very well. Great piece.

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you. :) It's nice to have some constructive criticism on this piece.

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

No problem :) I like to help people who are willing to help others :)

[Silent Wolf]

That is a good trait. :)

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

Thank you lol