Chains of Poison

A poem basically describing the feeling of falling for a guy, or his''ness'' about him. His personality. Oddly enough, I don't feel it. :)

One look will make me shudder in pleasure,

 Deep eyes; I'm falling.

Just a step closer.

I need more,

more of the danger,

the Poison.

 

You give me your confidebt smile,

arms inviting,

I take another quick step,

 then three more.

FINALLY reaching you I take-you give-

Poison.

 

Gasping for breath

your arms chain me.

Holding me captive in pleasure poisen,

Chains I'll never release.

I'm attached to you by chains of poisen.

So don't let me go. I need your Poison.

Author's Note

I haven't written in a while, and I honestly think it's a little cheesy/lame.
Helpfull critisism and the rest of your opinion is greatly appreciated. :)
Thanks!

Reviews

[Richard Anthony Goulart]

This was a great poem. Never cheesy mind you just a great poem. And to agree with Not You Thats For Sure this is a great piece aside from a few minor misspellings. Nothing at all wrong with that. Heck I had to look up Massachusetts the other day because I couldn't spell it and get confused on where the "i" goes in friend all the time. haha I honestly believe that my pieces would have so many misspellings it wouldn't be funny if it were not for spell check. So this poem to me is a whopping ten thumbs up. ;)

[Dreamer]

Okay...uhmmm maybe the word poison was used a bit to much in this piece (though i believe i understand your intentions). Maybe you can describe the feel, the taste, the effects (appealing to different senses) to make the point that it is a toxic substance. This is a very good emotional piece:) Maybe u can clear up the part about you giving poison (lines 11-12). Is this a mutually destructive relationship? Good write:)

[Poe Redd]

Ooooh, I really really like this. Really really. Isn't poison great? :)

[John Jackson (El Juero)]

Lucky guy!
I like the story, the urgency and go for it attitude. We never know 'til we take a chance, no?
The quickening cadence of the write also makes this an easy, pleasant read.
Excellente!

[sugar]

that was soooooo good i love love loved it

[Yina]

Well the only critism I can think of is that you mispelled a couple words an that's something even I do haha lol jk:):) This was a really good poem! I'm really surprised you could write something like this without having these feelings! I couldn't, that's for sure!!:)

[DontBlink158]

I agree with Coyote. This was a great poem and i dont think its cheesy/lame. SO great job, keep writing!!

[Coyote Poetry]

Love shouldn't be poison. Love should be candy. Sweet and needed. I like this poem. I like the way you made your point. Some poison can tempt us into a fire that can't be put out. Thank you for a excellent poem.
Coyote