Pyre

 

 

 

Requiems of my soul pirouette in your eyes

An untamed desire on elegant lips.

Sinful thoughts promise a spark to the fire

That silently whisper a longing for pyre.

Eruptions so icy on fiery skin.

Lust denotes sin, it drives itself in.

Like the rush of the blood, the chill of the fever,

I'll be the giver if you're the receiver.

Reviews

[Marc Mccune]

The anticipation of love and pleasure.
Oh and when the fire breaks out.
I liked the content and the thought portrayed in this piece.

the writing: the first two lines start out as a prose poem.
But from line 3 to the end, you use a very good rhyme. I don't know if this unusual structure was on purpose or not. As far as the rhyming lines go, I really liked them. I usually don't like rhymes...and that is because usually in pieces I find in Writers Cafe, people who try to rhyme don't really know how, and they really mess things up...usually by breaking the fine meter of the poem by trying to force lines to rhyme...or by picking words that do not really rhyme.
But use of the rhyme was good and I like it.

[- - - - - - - - > -] Likemeter�

[Poeticpiers]

This poem struch a familiar chord with me.It always takes two to dance

[JoshuaSpeaking]

"I'll be the giver, if you're the receiver." - this is just a personally thing, but i think it would flow better if it were: 'i'll be the giver, if you'll be the receiver.'

this is great though, you're right not to judge you based off of you're age.

[Sinceer]

Nice read

Delivered vividly an innocent

some creative lines in there...

The symbolism is lost for me within the title...but towards the end i start to understand where your write is coming from...

Keep them coming

Sincerely
Sinceer

[Wulfstan Crumble]

Cool poem. Before i read this i saw the line of your profile saying not to be prejudiced against you because of your age. With writing like this anyone who does that is missing out. The rhyming is impeccable. As is your use of language. However, i do have two ideas for improvements:

That silent whisper a longing for (a) pyre.
Eruptions so icy (up)on fiery skin.

The pyre line was my favourite because for me it was an original concept. To wish for a pyre is to burn together. Interesting.

[Alia]

Like the rush of the blood, the chill of the fever,
I'll be the giver, if you're the receiver.

Here, I would suggest to maybe look at the repetition of the word "the" and ask if you think that's necessary. To my eyes it draws attention to a word that's a filler for this poem, so what if you did something like...

Like the rush of blood, the chill of fever,
I'll be the giver, if you're the receiver.

I think that "flows" a little better off the tongue. It chops off two "the's" where they're unnecessary, imo.

Beautiful descriptions by the way. Thanks for sharing.

Take care.

Alia

[Crazy Cat Man]

coolness

[Blue Cavalla]

Love the last line. I always find it quite hard to end poems that are more streams of conciousness than anything else. But you have done so perfectly.

Blue

[Russell Pennwright]

Great creative poem... Loved the rhyme.

[Luke Brooks]

Beautiful, beautiful poetry here.
The whole poem balances lust and innocence perfectly.
It read as smooth as silk too.
Wonderful job.
It's very good.
I enjoyed it.

[Kevin Connolly]

The metre is excellent, Holly. The rhyming works too - the first two lines don't rhyme, but it would spoil it if you changed either 'eyes' or 'lips'.
You have great talent, and I think you could go far.