A YEAR TO THE DAY

03 26 13

The fate of an appointment
ridiculed and resented
may curl up like a somersault
in my conscience
on the day I enter the prescription
scented cradle of your exit
a year before

My Hippocrene vigil of two weeks
halted on day fifteen by my mother
insistent on a sleep in my own sheets

You were halted by the cancer
on night fifteen

Did you know somehow
behind the long-glazed-over eyes
I was sent home?

You who so openly expressed
your concern for the frailty
of my emotions
on so many days of living
when we all took our senses for granted

The fate of an appointment
with a whirr-lunged machine
introducing itself through an emissary
with a shot of dye
for my vein
to illuminate the eggshell
castle of my brain

A shot of dye
on a year to the day

The fate of an appointment
hated on sight
may paint the conscience
of your expiration
with a kind of consolation

The consolation like a silver medal
in the sour valley of an athlete's defeated chest?

I was borne into the world
of a goaltender
I would come to populate
the same world
and go on to caretake it
one year ago to the day

That kind of consolation?
Or the kind of consolation that hugs
a casualty of a living lost?

We never did train ourselves
adequately in the anti-wrestle of embrace

You were that kind of father
I was that kind of son
It was that kind of love

It fed a kind of context
to the frayed moisture-abandoned
fingertips I took into my own
when my mother saw me back
and left the room to me
for a moment with the final
proof of your presence

That was when I found a whim
in your frozen look

We never really close our eyes
do we

Sight fuels awareness
and darkness siphons all it can
leaving speculation
to hang in our doorless halls of perception

And in the dark bides sleep
the tenacious bio-colonist
courting open eyes
like crown jewels on display
making off with sight
as we grapple with its army of dreams
and their propaganda logic

And sight
emerges from the night field
wary and mistrustful
of the body

But as the masses of the past
were not to question the divine
we are not to question
the biological

We rally for our sight
and are moral victors in the end
on our deathbeds
with our open eyes
marbleized

Only for
an emissary's meddling fingers
to shut them down
leaving us in the dark
colonized
once and for all

I rested my left temple
on your silent chest
and superimposed my adulthood
into tales non-retainable in infancy
when my cranially-modest head
slumbered in your arms
as my grandparents' rocking chair
swayed us through the hockey game

Author's Note

Hippocrene: mythical Greek fountain held sacred by the Muses.

It is said that shepherds who drink of Hippocrene often find themselves babbling verse, abandon their flocks to the wolves, and wander off, talking to themselves in rhyme and hoping that someone will overhear.
-Encyclopedia of Greek Mythology

Reviews

[Angi]

You were there for two weeks with him and then sent home to sleep. You missed his passing, Steve! Then there was some sort of appointment that you hated to keep. You had to, though. This is tied to the date of your dad's going. I hear the hockey game playing in the background through all of this. Sad, sad. Angi~

[kublakhan27]

Yes, I did miss it, but when I expressed my sadness over that, Mom and a couple of his friends seemed pretty convinced that he wanted it that way...I'm the most emotional person in my family going all the way back to cousins, and I do take some measure of comfort in the fact that he may have had me in mind when he was ready to go...I feel kind of self-centered in feeling that way too but like I said, they think his mind was made up about it so I take their word for it.

I had an appointment with a therapist on the first anniversary, in the same hospital...I hated the timing of that at first, but again, my mother told I should consider it from the opposite angle, and I felt a little better after that...but hockey has never been the same, no doubt about that, and there will always be sadness involved, but I've gotten a great deal of support from family and friends...needless to say, you are one of those friends that make my mind as ease...thank you Angi :)

[Angi]

Sounds to me like your dad knew that this would be the best way to go. Of course he had you in mind, Steve. You were his boy! I think your momma is one smart cookie. Family rituals (hockey for you all) are hard things to partake in when someone has had to leave. Things just aren't the same. Sending you good vibes, mister! Angi~

[kublakhan27]

Yes, I have a younger brother as well though he's somewhat of a problem child...by all accounts, I was his boy even though I was the oldest ;P I don't know what I'd do without Mom...we still do some of that stuff, hockey included (as well as racing, which he also liked) even though she's not so much into that haha But we both find comfort in it...thank you Angi, good vibes to you as well ;)

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

This was amazing...tragically beautiful, honest, amazing depth. Your words never cease to amaze me, and your ability to be such a chameleon in terms of style is truly a gift. I have so much to say, but the words are escaping me right now...this was the best piece I've read in a while will have to suffice.

[kublakhan27]

Thank you Sarah, so much...perhaps your words and my words have eloped, as I am speechless in return...let it suffice to say that my lashes have grown damp.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

:) Perhaps they have, my friend...

[KAOlmsted]

I know it's taken me a while to get to this and for that I apologize. Nuf said about that.

I'm a bit speechless here. This is truly amazing. Stunning, in fact. This review may be brief, mainly because I am still so profoundly blown away by the write, but please know, I understand this to my very core.

Superior, as usual.

[kublakhan27]

It's quite alright my friend...I know there's much more to life than WC, unless you're me :P I guess there aren't a lot of words needed here...thank you Kim for reading and understanding...needless to say, it means the world :)

[Astro]

Touching and solemn, I think that your emotions are explored in a seeming excess. What I mean is that for some people who have never experienced this type of exit and how it affects those left behind, they might think you overdid it. I am not one of those people. There are so many feelings and scenes that we see and are reminded of constantly, that we struggle sometimes to ignore enough to remain in the present, but also, we sometimes give into those thoughts and memories, finding deep contemplation. I love how you compare the past with the future in these lines, "But as the masses of the past
were not to question the divine
we are not to question
the biological"

Great work.

[kublakhan27]

Thank you my friend...I really wanted to try and relay the reality of this situation to those who may not have been through it themselves...I'm happy to know that this piece resonated with you as deeply as it has.

[DIVYA]

A deep, dark rendition on the finality of death of a loved one viewed first-hand from one's eyes and all the questions and pain that go with it. I am moved by this poem which has several brilliant lines and I cannot choose some.

I like that your writing is supported by great background material that helps the reader to relate to the work better.

It was a very interesting read. Thanks.

[kublakhan27]

Thank you so much^^

[Lehlohonolo Lichaba]

i share your feeling

[kublakhan27]

Thank you for understanding^^

[s y e]

Holy jaysus, the emotion in this is raw!! Its a very painful read and Im sure it was a hard write. You have written this amazingly and the emotion is very very raw!

[kublakhan27]

It was not an easy write, that's for sure, but I did feel a bit better after it was finished...of course the support of my friends here helped me a great deal as well :) Thank you Noodle, I'm glad you like this one :)

[s y e]

No problem :-)

[Baby Ricochet]

I'm not to sure what this is about but it was interesting

[kublakhan27]

Well, it's about my Dad being dead for a year, and having a doctor's appointment at the same hospital on the first anniversary of it...

[Baby Ricochet]

Thank you. I'm a big dumb jarhead ya know. Sometimes I'm a little slow.

[kublakhan27]

No worries, I was probably impolite...I'm glad you liked it :)

[Robbie~xoxo~]

This brings tears to my eyes....it hurts my heart to read this...
You have touched me with this write, and left me speechless...~xo~
Such a beautiful Tribute, my friend...

[kublakhan27]

:) It is such a delicate venture, writing a piece such as this...I never wanted to bring tears to the readers of this piece, but as Robert Frost said: No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader...it's just one of those things that had to be written, that demanded to be written really...thank you Robbie, for reading and understanding :) xo

[Robbie~xoxo~]

Thank you for sharing your heart...~xo~

[kublakhan27]

xo :)

[Robbie~xoxo~]

(((you))) :)

[Pete Langley]

I (nearly) know exactly how you feel, mate. It never leaves you. The irrevocable loneliness of mourning stays no mattter who or what surrounds and supports you. I hope writing this piece helped some - it sure helped me a little. Thanks Steve? P.

[kublakhan27]

It's true my friend...even when they ask you to stay happy and not mourn, it's impossible to not clear one's mind of it entirely, especially when they go before their time, and doubly so on the "anniversary" days...but writing this did go a long way in relieving myself of the sorrow and moving on with the happier memories...the loneliness never goes away but those memories certainly help to alleviate it...thank you Pete :)