Forsaken

Lengthy were the nights subsequent

to the days of your absence,

for the planet I once was, depended

on the light of your presence.

 

Shall I await the day

we are once again lovers?

Or hast thou forgotten me

to lust for another?

 

Phantoms of your embracing arms linger as

haunting memories of departed bliss,

tell me, oh, tell me; when did

your sleeves alter into a noose?

Author's Note

This didn't quite come out as expected . . . Nonetheless, I do hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Haunting.

I really like the metaphor you pull off in the first stanza. People often throw around the saying about someone being "your whole world", but I think the one you just wrote is better. It has something more...elegant to it. The narrator has become a planet barren and cold, dying without the light of its sun, everything within it inevitably perishing. Very grim and adequately describing a broken heart.

The last stanza though was beautiful in what it said. "Phantoms of embracing arms linger", is perfect. Like an amputated limb, so much apart of you that you still feel it, even though it isn't there anymore. The pain in this piece is...exquisite.

Well done my friend. A very, very emotional write.

-Caradoc

[Tai Ryens]

Here I thought I was being a bit too cliche with that line; writing alongside to the concepts so many people use. I thank you kindly for the review.

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome, my talented, skillful friend.

[Isabel]

This poem made me miss our friend, Caradoc, more.

[Tai Ryens]

Indeed, Caradoc was a very intellectual dear to have on this site. He is much missed.

[Pax]

Tai my friend, indeed, he is missed. Caradoc my friend, hope your doing alright and fine... come back when your well... :)

[Caradoc]

"tell me, oh, tell me; when did
your sleeves alter into a noose?"

Reading this again, these lines stick out. Very potent, the narrator becoming asphyxiated by the memories of times that once brought joy. You are truly an amazing poet, Tai.

I have missed the two of you as well.

[Tai Ryens]

Caradoc! You were missed, friend. I'm glad you find content in my work, it means a lot.

[Caradoc]

This piece...pretty much sums up my life right about now.

[Tai Ryens]

And likewise, dear friend.

[Ohhhwillow]

the image of shadows of arms winding into a noose against the light on a wall break into mind.. great word choice here, it's hard not be sound cliche sometimes with romantic writes, but this works. It really does! I would refrain from the rhetorical question at the end though, it might be softer without!

[Tai Ryens]

Ah, thank you, Willow, for your thoughts. Means a lot to have you drop by!

[SPINNING ON that dizzy ..]

This is very clever in the word choice and the message. I especially like that it a question asked as if one hand is on your hip and you are saying so is this the way it is going to be? Then you said - to hell with you! haha.....

[Tai Ryens]

A pleasure it was to see my poem through your perspective, thank you.

[Mysana]

That was weird, but in a good way. Your writing style reminds me of my own in a way... This sounds way too cheesy and stupid. Sorry. I mean to say, I like it even if, including the way in which it gives me the chills.

[Tai Ryens]

Ah, thank you for the kind words, Mysana. I understand the feelings quite fine and I suppose I'll see the similarities you speak of soon, as I plan to review your pieces sometime in the near future.

[Mysana]

The earlier works are more dark but less good, the one I think that I think is my current best dark story would likely be Hold your breath 'till its gone. It is also one I need the most review on.

[Nusquam Esse]

My only advice here would be to add a comma between was and depended in the first stanza, for clarity's sake. I had to reread the line, and not for the right reasons; so it threw off the rhythm, at least for me. That aside, I enjoyed this, and particularly loved the last stanza. It really stood out; the image of what was once an embrace turning into the source of demise. A solid write!

[Tai Ryens]

To think- nearly two years and I've neglected such a minor grammatical error! How uneventfully tragic. Nonetheless, thank you for your keen observations and your lovely words.

[Nusquam Esse]

hah, uneventfully tragic seems the perfect words for such an uneventful grammatical error. :P

[Kayleen]

Really good! Most poems i read here written inthe older style are pretentious anddont come across the way i think they need to. But you managed to put together a very nice piece. I think if you played around a little with the ending it could have alot more impact and flow. not sure if that whatyou meant by it didnt turn out how you expected. Overall it was cohesive and i love the planet and sunlight analogy. Those striking and powerfulness of the piece can be judged just in just those two lines alone. good job!

[Tai Ryens]

The ending was the part that I had trouble with, hence the "not expected", aha. Thanks!

[Great Aunt Astri]

Oh, the trials and tribulations of lost love 'when did your sleeves alter into a noose.' Remember the saying 'It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!'

[Tai Ryens]

'Tis true, thanks muchlly for reviewing

[Awakened Rose]

"When did your sleeves alter into a noose" Haunting and brilliant. I loved this piece. Thank you for sharing :)

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, Awakened Rose! Glad you stopped by

[Rachelle]

I know the pain and it will always echo and linger. At some point, though, we accept and grow from it. Life goes on and slowly, the noose loosens and dissipates into a new dawn for one's awakening.

[Tai Ryens]

Time shrinks all things, pain, memories, and happiness alike. Thank you, Rachelle.

[Zahra]

I really liked this piece. Nice flow. Beautifuly penned

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, Voice!

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

Indeed the thought of waiting and wondering are never far from ones mind, well done, good read.

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you, Thomas Fitzgerald.

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

Your welcome.