Forsaken

Lengthy were the nights subsequent

to the days of your absence,

for the planet I once was, depended

on the light of your presence.

 

Shall I await the day

we are once again lovers?

Or hast thou forgotten me

to lust for another?

 

Phantoms of your embracing arms linger as

haunting memories of departed bliss,

tell me, oh, tell me; when did

your sleeves alter into a noose?

Author's Note

This didn't quite come out as expected . . . Nonetheless, I do hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[Caradoc]

Haunting.

I really like the metaphor you pull off in the first stanza. People often throw around the saying about someone being "your whole world", but I think the one you just wrote is better. It has something more...elegant to it. The narrator has become a planet barren and cold, dying without the light of its sun, everything within it inevitably perishing. Very grim and adequately describing a broken heart.

The last stanza though was beautiful in what it said. "Phantoms of embracing arms linger", is perfect. Like an amputated limb, so much apart of you that you still feel it, even though it isn't there anymore. The pain in this piece is...exquisite.

Well done my friend. A very, very emotional write.

-Caradoc

[Tai Ryens]

Here I thought I was being a bit too cliche with that line; writing alongside to the concepts so many people use. I thank you kindly for the review.

[Caradoc]

You're most welcome, my talented, skillful friend.

[Isabel]

This poem made me miss our friend, Caradoc, more.

[Tai Ryens]

Indeed, Caradoc was a very intellectual dear to have on this site. He is much missed.

[Pax]

Tai my friend, indeed, he is missed. Caradoc my friend, hope your doing alright and fine... come back when your well... :)

[Caradoc]

"tell me, oh, tell me; when did
your sleeves alter into a noose?"

Reading this again, these lines stick out. Very potent, the narrator becoming asphyxiated by the memories of times that once brought joy. You are truly an amazing poet, Tai.

I have missed the two of you as well.

[Tai Ryens]

Caradoc! You were missed, friend. I'm glad you find content in my work, it means a lot.

[Caradoc]

This piece...pretty much sums up my life right about now.

[Tai Ryens]

And likewise, dear friend.

[R. L. Hill]

Ah heartbreak...What terrible woes do weigh upon the shoulders of our ghosts. I must wholeheartedly agree with Caradoc. The metaphor you applied in the first stanza is remarkable. You broke the mold of cliche and made it your own while still grasping to the commonly understood notion. It portrays a very bleak existence; one of death; one of forgotten moments; one filled with lingering whispers. The poem as a whole breaks my heart because is echoes of lost love of which I can easily relate. I find your skill to be inspiring. You allowed yourself three stanzas to depict loss, agony and regret - three encompassing aspects of heartbreak. It felt personal and raw and awash with emotions, but it was penned in such a manner that I am easily capable of applying its essence to my own past love affairs. Eloquently penned.

-Q

[Tai Ryens]

I'm truly flattered by such a charming review, I thank you kindly, Quirklet. I still remain unsatisfied with the poem and feel I should have drawn it out longer, as if within it exists a potential untapped. Thank you, once more, you've certainly made my day.

[justjenn_2u]

She sounds like a bit of a controler. So glad you realized. Honesty and humbleness cover this poem. I enjoyed.

[Tai Ryens]

I thnak you kindly.

[jenniewren (J.W. Bouwma..]

that ending! wow... it's a gutpunch image, and i love it!. as well as your tone - usually i'm put off with classical language - but only in that so many others use it so heavyhandedly! this is light, delicate.. i like!

[Tai Ryens]

I do agree with the fact most writers often overplay with archaic words in an attempt to sound poetic and it often ruins the piece itself. I actually think I used a tad bit too much on this one, though. Thank you for your thoughts.

[Night]

This is perhaps a bit morbid, but I enjoyed it all the same. The imagery in this piece is stunning, you have truly captured the darkness of forsaken love. Thank you for sharing!

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you for your thoughts.

[Bluefire]

Wow, I love it! Especially the dark twist at the end.
Well done! I'm not sure what else to say. ^^

[Tai Ryens]

Thank you for your thoughts.

[Bluefire]

Eh, I'm sorry there weren't more to share. ^^

[TrimarcoRansome]

Longing for the return of your lover, this is a thought provoking piece which is nicely written too.

[Soul Fire]

Bittersweet. A lost love is hard to get over...well written

[SyberRose]

I enjoyed reading your words...really loved the first two stanza's especially...Rose:)

[Baby Ricochet]

It's still got Tai flair though. Good one.

[Tai Ryens]

Thanks.