Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Loves Fearful Bite

the sun shone brightly over the Big Ben clock tower. birds chirped, trees rustled, and the wind, silent but cold. a typical Monday morning. but this would be the gloomiest day to come. the day of Kitty´s funeral. her whole family would be there, except for her father. Kat, her older sister, would be there, standing next to the casket the whole time. her pigtails tipped with ice blue, her red eyes would be fixed on Kitty, the whole time. I wanted to stay at home, curled in my ball and rocking back and forth. but Phil had convinced me to go. just to see Kitty, one last time.but i couldn´t bear to go. repeatedly, i threatened that i would jump out of the car and run home, but in the end, all i did was stand there, silent. ¨Dan!! im glad you came.¨ Kat said, running over to me. her hair was down, the tips still ice blue.  she wore a dark blue satin dress, with a light blue bow resting on her left shoulder. ¨i wish father was here to see her,¨ she said, a tear forming in her eye, ¨i remember, Kitty dropped out of school to be with father.¨ she said, tears streaming down her cheek. ¨AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!¨ someone screamed, backing away from the casket. Kat, Phil and i ran over to see what was wrong. and what we saw, we couldn´t believe.

Reviews

[Rynn]

My initial thoughts were that the bold was very distracting.

"the sun shone brightly over the Big Ben clock tower." - First sentence needs capitol T on 'The". I also think it would be easier to read if you switch your words around such as,

'the sun shone brightly over Big Ben.'

Since Big Ben is a well known clock tower, you don't need to state that it's a clock tower.

" birds chirped, trees rustled, and the wind, silent but cold." - Again this sentence needs to be Capitalized. The sentence structure is very confusing the way the words are placed. Suggestion:

' Birds chirped, trees rustled with the silent, but cold. wind."

"but this would be the gloomiest day to come. the day of Kitty´s funeral. " - this could be one sentence.Suggestion:

'But this would be the gloomiest day to come; the day of Kitty´s funeral.'

" I wanted to stay at home, curled in my ball and rocking back and forth. but Phil had convinced me to go.just to see Kitty, one last time.but i couldn´t bear to go. " - I would suggest you restructure this. Suggestion:

'I wanted to stay at home, curled in my ball and rocking back and forth, but Phil had convinced me to go, just to see Kitty, one last time.but i couldn't´t bear to go.'

I urge you to study up on sentence structure. There are several periods where there could simply be a comma.

" ¨Dan!! im glad you came.¨ Kat said, running over to me." - Any instance where a character is speaking needs to be a separate, indented paragraph.

"her hair was down, the tips still ice blue. " - Be wary of redundancy. You don't need to restate that the tips of her hair are blue since you already mention it.

" ¨AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!¨ someone screamed, backing away from the casket. Kat, Phil and i ran over to see what was wrong." - The exclamation can be shortened to, 'someone screamed'. Again watch where you place your periods. Many of your sentences are improper.

The pacing in this piece needs a lot of work as well as sentence structure, dialogue sounds unnatural and it doesn't seem clear what the story is about. I urge you to do some writing workshops and produce another draft of this. Write on!

-Rynn