Lead Me On

350 word hook. A short story I wrote for a scholarship application. — And rewrote six years later to compare.

A white cloud puffs out in front of me as I breathe out. I draw another breath. The thin air burns my throat and doesn't fill my lungs. I shouldn’t be out here. It must be midnight by now. I attempt to pull by cloak tighter around me, and stomp my feet. This better be life or death important.

 

 There’s a sound to my left. I turn around, my arms clutched into my chest. “It’s about time you got here. I started to think you were trying to kill me off.”

“Sorry, Claudia. To be honest, I forgot it was winter. There’s no snow on the ground,” Christopher steps towards me. At least he looks disheveled… and scared. I didn’t really want this to be life or death. 

“There’s no leaves on the trees either. What do you need?”

“Other than seeing you?” his breath doesn’t form a cloud. 

I realize what he said, and blush, but it goes unnoticed on my frozen cheeks.

“I need to kidnap you.”

“Wait, what?” I look back up, staring straight into his blue eyes.

“Only for a little while. I just need to…” now there’s red. “It has come to my peers’ attention that I’ve been in contact with a human… you. Which is untraditional… well, forbidden.”

“So is me sneaking out to meet a boy.”

“But Claudia, I mean forbidden as in I will be killed for this. And these peers I spoke of, they have threatened to tell if I don’t show you to them. It’s stupid and foolhardy, but at least if I do it, they won’t be able to tell at risk of losing their own lives.” His eyes have an unnaturally glow, but the emotions behind them are so human. 

“Oh, Christopher…”

“We can’t hurt humans directly,” he chokes on the last word. “Never mind, I shouldn’t have come to ask you.”

I think of bedtime stories of people being led away to die by unearthly creatures. But those were stories written by ignorant parents trying to scare their children. I snatch Christopher’s hand. “Nonsense. Lead me on.”

(2016)

Claudia coughed in the thin air. She covered her mouth with a mittened hand to muffle the sound. Her breath condensed on the wool and froze as she pulled her hand away. She stomped a few times to keep sensation in her feet. It wasn’t because they were cold, but the three layers of socks were constricting and she’d been standing there in the dark forest for over an hour. And because her toes weren’t exactly warm, but she was ignoring that. 

Something moved in the darkness and Claudia spun to face it. A pale boy in gossamer clothing emerged from the trees. 

“It’s about time,” Claudia said. “I was starting to think you wanted me to freeze to death out here.” 

He looked over her winter clothing and smiled apologetically. “I forgot it was winter. There’s no snow on the ground to remind me it’s cold for you.” 

“There’s no leaves on the trees either.” 

“Right. I am sorry I’m late, but something came up and it was… unwise for me to leave when I planned.” 

“What happened?” Claudia asked. 

Instead of answering, he hugged her. Claudia pulled her arms free, losing a mitten in the process, and hugged him back. 

“Is something wrong?” 

He let go and took a couple steps back. “My parents found out about you.” 

“Fae have parents?” Claudia winced. Everyone has parents. “You’ve never mentioned them.” 

“They aren’t happy about this. It’s against our rules. I have to get you away.” 

“Hold on.” Her hand stung, so she picked up her mitten as she processed his words. “My dad wouldn’t be happy either to find I was meeting a boy, but it will be okay, right? We’ll find different ways to talk.” 

“No. Fae can’t harm humans directly, but they will find a way.” 

“Oh.” 

“I might have a way to make you untouchable, but you have to come with me.” 

All the bedtime stories she’d ever heard of the Fae flitted through her mind, one disastrous ending after another. Many were about humans being tricked and kidnapped. 

“Okay,” Claudia said. “I’ll go with you.” 

(2023)

Author's Note

I wrote this for a scholarship application. I was given 350 words. I might add to it later, but right now I think that might ruin the suspense of it. Please tell me how you imagine it ending. I have two possibilities for it, and would like to know what people think. Any feedback and editing would be appreciated, especially if I do end up continuing the story. Also, should I switch it to 3rd person past tense? — I decided to rewrite this using the same 350 word limit.

Reviews

[Throwing Romeo]

Enjoyed this piece.

I'm a beginner at
storytelling so...
Well I'd be
curious to read in
past tense.
Let me know if
you do.

R.

[LunarSong]

Hey, thanks for the review. I got back on the site recently to look at stuff I wrote with my friend when we were kids. I was in a mood to re-write something and do a side-by-side comparison. So, I rewrote this.

[Dexter-black]

Really good sis. Real good.

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAutho..]

Ooooh... just when you were getting to the "good stuff." LOL. Hey, hope you got the scholarship. :)

[LunarSong]

I didn't, but thank you for reading! I hope that you enjoyed it, and that's all that matters.

[Lustre]

Amazing! I hope I could read the next one as it hooked me. As for the pace of the story - it's really something, which gives me the interest to read further.

Also, should this sentence: ' I attempt to pull by cloak tighter around me' be I attempt to pull MY cloak tighter around me?'

Putting that aside, I'm glad to have read this story. :)

[LunarSong]

Thank you. :)

[Xandar_The_Zenon]

I like it. I think the tense it is in adds suspense, with danger on the horizon, whereas a past tense would make it seem tragic or forlorn. And I've never been a fan of books that depress me from the get go. That should come later. It sounds like the beginning to a great story.

[LunarSong]

Yeah, my mom told me I should switch it to 3rd person, past tense, but I thought that present tense was right for the tone, so I'm glad you agree. ;)

[Marque]

Though Claudia and Christopher don't know it yet, danger awaits them (foreshadowed by "We can't harm humans 'directly'"). As a true friend, Claudia ignores Christopher's warning to answer his plea. The question is what do his peers plan and what does fate have in store? One peer, at least, has selfish plans that will lead to danger, if not tragedy, I suspect.

[LunarSong]

Probably. :)

[Kerunai]

I have always felt that keeping a reader engaged in the reading, making them put them selves as the -I- the story is talking about, is a very good thing. Especially with a story like this. It could go a few different ways. Perhaps Christopher lets her go, his peers turn him in, he is captured, beaten, but escapes before they deliver the final blow. He goes to her, and a life on the run begins. Or perhaps she does go with him, humoring him in the way most girls do for a guy they like. What if the peers try and harm her? There is a multitude of possibilities and the only limitations are that of your imagination. Run with it, and let the words fly from your fingertips like the embers of a bonfire!

[LunarSong]

Thank you for your review. I haven't had much time to work with this idea, but I will definitely return to it.

[Kerunai]

You're welcome! I hope you can find the time to come back to it as you can. It has some great potential.

[LunarSong]

Thank you. When I do more on it, I'll be sure to tell you.

[Farrsight]

In the first paragraph, say my instead of by as in "I attempt to pull MY cloak tighter around me,"
I like the way it's written, although I'll try to explain why and how I'd change it to just past 1st, if that makes sense. Like, instead of "I hate him" it would be "I had hated him. Keep using words like had, so it seems forlorn and strange, as well as kinda sad.

... Well... Imagine starting the next chapter with something REALLY drastic, like " I'm dead." Or something like that. Then I'd have the narrator share how she came to be dead, going back and speaking it all in past tense. I don't even really know what I'm saying-or what I've said, so I think all just stop talking.

Anyway, good and interesting 350 words.

[LunarSong]

Haha, thanks. I should have done this a while ago, I didn't even notice the typo in the first paragraph. Well, it's already submitted for the scholarship... Anyways, I should've mentioned in my note, but my mom told me to change it to 3rd person past tense, but I didn't want to change it then. I don't know why I wrote it in present tense, but it was sort of what happened. I do think if I expand on it it will be past tense at least, though. So, you see this as taking a dark turn?

[Farrsight]

Well, it kinda depends on what you want. I just love it when a writer gives you really interesting hooks, even at the start of every other chapter. Now I have to get on writers cafe more since Esther is gone.

[LunarSong]

Haha, yeah. I've been a little busy right now. I see it taking a dark turn to... But I don't think my mom did, if I remember correctly.

[Farrsight]

Huh. Moms. Always stating their opinion, y'know?

[LunarSong]

Well, I'm pretty sure I asked her what kind of turn she imagined it taking. ;)

[Farrsight]

Wel... That's a different story... *akward laugh* (why do you have to make me look so stupid online?!)

[LunarSong]

I don't think I did, but, okay... But, I think we are the only two reading these... I went to go check the views to try to prove it, but this actually has more views than I would have thought. I wonder if it's because I'll just leave writerscafe up on this page sometimes... I dunno.

[Farrsight]

I was just joking about the online stupidity stuff. I'm glad you have a lot of views.

[LunarSong]

But you're the only one who has reviewed it... You know what has a lot of views? Starscraper's essay thing about her love for Kirk. You should go check out how many views that has.

[Farrsight]

How do you check that?

[LunarSong]

You go to her page, click on the story, and it has the amount of views it has on the right of the page under stats.

[Farrsight]

I found it! Thank you.

[LunarSong]

Yep. See, that's one popular essay. ;)

[Farrsight]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[LunarSong]

Haha, did you also see how many replies we had going on?

[Farrsight]

I see that up there it says "Veiw 12 more replies", so, yeah! I know that you and Starscraper and Alverann went WAY further than that!😆

[LunarSong]

Haha, yeah, I think into the thousands.

[Farrsight]

Whoah. I didn't think it was THAT many!

[LunarSong]

I think it did... Especially since there were two we did that on. I'll check.

[LunarSong]

Yep. 1122 and 424. Haha.

[Farrsight]

You just checked?

[LunarSong]

Yeah......

[Farrsight]

Ha! Funny!

[LunarSong]

Why is it funny?

[Farrsight]

That it was important enough for me to check

[LunarSong]

Haha, you didn't have to check...

[Farrsight]

And that it was important enough for you to check!

[LunarSong]

Well, we worked hard to get it there.

[Farrsight]

Ha, I bet!

[LunarSong]

Yeah, it took us months of comments. More months that it has taken us to get to 27.

[Farrsight]

.... I don't even wanna know.

[LunarSong]

But it was practically daily conversation.

[Farrsight]

For how long?!

[LunarSong]

Months. Many with ....... to try to fulfill the ten character requirement. Which is the whole reason why this one didn't end after I put Months.

[Farrsight]

Ha. I get it. I TOTALLY get it.

[LunarSong]

Probably EVERYONE on this sight does. One time though, it didn't make Rachel do it!

[Farrsight]

So what did she write?

[LunarSong]

Something like "Okay." I can't remember, but it was something like that.

[Farrsight]

I will find her, and force her to tell me how... Even though she probably knows less than us.

[LunarSong]

Yeah, it was kinda a fluke. She hadn't even noticed. Then I think it let her do it a few more times, and then it stopped.

[Farrsight]

Lucky her.

[LunarSong]

I know! ..