From the Brink

I sit

Curled in a ball

Hovering on the edge

 

You sat here with me once

 

On a night of rebellion and freedom

Where our bodies danced in the moonlight

Abandoning all care and responsibility

 

It was only us

That mattered

 

Now I sit

On this dock

Without you

 

My face wet with longing

I push off from the brink

 

I let go

I sink down

 

Because, like that night

Nothing matters

 

Only you

Only us

 

 

Author's Note

This won a picture prompt contest :)

Reviews

[A.A.]

I love the understatement here. When you are so sparing with your words, however, smaller things become a little more important.

To raise two of them; I'm not so sure that you need the punctuation after 'now', when the form of the piece would already give you the necessary pause, and then there's also the phrasing of the line 'The stars peeping from the sky /
At our bodies dancing in the moonlight'. What I'm getting at is that, to me, the stars seem to loom larger here than the lovers who are supposed to overshadow them. The stars are the subject, peeping, verb, at the lovers, the object. Also, the image splits the lovers' souls from their bodies, when, perhaps, on 'a night of rebellion and freedom' (a beautiful line), they are most completely joined. You might choose to rethink this.


At any rate, thank you. A compelling read.

[Persephone]

Thank you for the review and for taking the time to read! I appreciate it very much!

[Kaylor Mason]

Nice. I hope it isn't autobiographical . . . if it is, you have my sympathies and respect. One loner to a lonely writer . . . hi :)

[Persephone]

No no, it was inspired from a picture prompt contest - however I think we all feel like this at times - thanks for reading :)

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

Wonderful job especially when doing it for a picture prompt! Impressive and glad you won!

[Persephone]

Me too!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Again so full and yet so lean. Such skill to convey emotion and feelimng in few words!

[Persephone]

Thank you!

[Freedom's Child]

I can see why it won! Great job, the imagery forces the emotion into the reader. So dark and sad. You would have to be dead not to feel the emotion. Awesome!

[Persephone]

Thanks Matt!

[Sami Khalil]

Bodies dance in the moonlight.
Beautiful imagery.

[Persephone]

Thank you!

[Sami Khalil]

You are quite welcome.

[Dr. Wood ?]

you see. I cannot analyze poems, I can only say what I see. If this was not from personal experience then it shows great imagination...If it was, then you have maybe buried a demon....I told you you I was crap at reviewing

[Persephone]

You are not crap at it! thank you and it was not from experience - i was inspired by a set of pics from a contest :)

[Dr. Wood ?]

then GREAT imagination...the ability to see around corners is a gift

[...]

Beautiful :)

[Persephone]

Thank you!

[AK]

Wow! This piece is brilliant! Absolutely stunning! I love the sensations that it sends down the readers body and the effect that it has on our minds. Very well done! Keep writing!

[Persephone]

Thank you so much!

[AK]

Anytime:) and the voting for picture prompts is open(yours got selected btw) http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Picture-Prompts/46210/

[Persephone]

yay! thank you for the heads up!

[AK]

:)

[Chris]

forget the contest... and a mind pic is all the better for the descriptiveness of the poem... Good flow, heart, and quite real in feel.

[Persephone]

Thanks for the tip and for reading! :)