Pressing Darkness

This poem was inspired by a sunset, and how quickly it faded into night. I just /had/ to sit and write this down. :) It's freestyle, but it's got an awesome message.

 

throught the darkenss he arrived

and through the mist i strived

to see him smile, but he took care

to be sure a grin was something he would never share

all the world's kindness could not

get him to open

his heart

 

he stared in silence at the ground

and moved his lips without a sound

i knew what he meant to say

to explain his actions of the coming day

to tell me his reasons why

he felt he had

to die

 

so quietly he sat and told of all the years

of sorrow he had faced and all the tears

i was not to shed  he said his heart was breaking

i looked up and he was gone making

me wonder if he was ever

even there

Author's Note

I believe this poem is deserving of a better title. If you have any suggestions, feel free to share them. ^_^

Reviews

[Joanna M G]

The way you continue the thought through the line breaks is very interesting and lends a nice, if almost jarring, flow. But jarring is good for an idea like this. At first I worried how the rhythm would work, with the first two lines not quite matching up -- but the way you went about it, slightly unevenly but still with a strong flow, works very well. The breaks in sentences helps make the rhyme scheme more natural, the staggered rhythm is great...the only weak line I think is "to explain his actions of the coming day" -- the time given is very specific and for some reason, for me, that takes it from this abstract sort of timeline into something very concrete and seems out of place. But then, the end of that stanza definitely makes up for it.

Overall a very strong speculative sort of piece, especially with that open-ended ending.

[Gandré]

This was beautifully woven, the emphasis of this poem written from the position of passive observer shifts from the ordinary man to "heroic character", it could be anyone; it becomes in its language relaxed and earth-bound. i enjoyed this a lot. thanks for entering my contest.