Yaoi Triple Feature!

Yaoi Triple Feature!

A Chapter by Mister Cellophane
"

Yaoi. If you weren't scared by that word, then there is something wrong with you.

"

WARNING: I do not own the following products: Captain America, Thor, Hetalia: Axis Powers, Hunchback of Notre Dame, Ouran Host Club and Detective Conan/Case Closed. I also do not own the following fanfictions as well, they are owned by their own authors at fanfiction.net.

EXTRA WARNING: The following review includes man on man sex, and if this makes you uncomfortable in any way, then not only do you know how I have felt for the last couple of weeks but you do not have to read this. If this DOES make you feel uncomfortable or if you are not old enough to read teen, then leave now and wait for the next chapter.

 

Yaoi Triple Feature!

Fanfic #3: What Kind of a Hero by Shenaniganary

Fanfic #4: The Fire by Ahmerst

Fanfic #5: The Closet Incident by Kairi’s-twin

 

I guess I should start out by saying that I hate yaoi. It sickens me to the core and I would rather watch the worst movie on the planet than read it. What’s yaoi some of you may ask? According to Wikipedia it is “a Japanese popular term for female-oriented fictional media that focus on homoerotic or homoromantic male relationships, usually created by female authors.” Unfortunately, yaoi can also reach from the Japanese media to the world-wide media meaning that all man on man sexual orientation in fanfictions is essentially a yaoi.

 

Rather than looking at one, like a sane person would, I decided to dig into three because nearly all of yaois are one-shots and are only one page long. As I go along I will explain what the crossovers are so that way you won’t have to read nineteen paragraphs of back story before you finally get into the review. Also, I am sorry about the age restriction but it’s just that these yaois are very physical. And I do mean PHYSICAL. Well, let’s not dilly dally any longer. Let’s dig into all three of these babies and see if they are really THAT bad!

 

Our first story is a crossover between Captian America and Thor.

Before you start, I know this could be considered an Avengers crossover. But because that is what it was under, and it took me weeks just to find three crossover yaois to use; I’m gonna do this.

It begins with Captain America having an inner monologue about how dark-haired women attract him. “At least not until now.

Good lord…it’s starting…

Captain America is staring at Loki in his room, and Captain America is laying on his bed then proceeds to “[bite] his lip and [twist] his wrist, [and smooth] his thumb roughly over the head of his-“

WOAH! WOAH! WOAH! ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT ONE OF THE FIRST PIONEERING COMIC BOOK HEROES IS SLAPPING HIS MONKEY OFF TO THE PHONE OPERATOR FROM “CONSPIRACY”?!?!? WHO THE CRAP WROTE THIS JUNK!?!?!?!!?

As Captain America does…that…Loki starts to talk to him. What’s more, Loki is just insulting him. I can tell because he’s saying things like ‘You are weak!’ and ‘You will do anything for me because I am awesome!’ But anyways, this continues until Loki says “Do you know what I do with honorable men, Steven Rogers from Brooklyn?

Treat them out to a nice dinner?

I ---- them deep and I ---- them hard. Until they can't even remember their name.

That makes no sense at all Loki…none at all.

Loki then proceeds to stick his fingers into Captain America’s throat and Captain America begins to lick Loki’s fingers while Captain America keeps on doing what he did in the previous statement.

…How many more of these do I have to read again?...

Loki then ‘helps Captain America out’ (if you know what I mean) and then does something that I will not repeat due to the fact that if I do, I will get banned from Writers Café. After Loki stops what he was doing earlier, the two proceed to have ‘sexual intercourse’ in a way where Loki is not doing anything thing with his privates but doing a lot with his hands on Captain America (if you know what I mean) .

Remember when Captain America and Loki had dignity? I miss those days…

Right before Captain America ‘releases his load’ Captain America catches it in his hands then runs to the bathroom to wash his hands. And as he does, Captain America starts to think about what he has done, and the story ends with “What kind of hero [slaps his monkey] to his enemy?

I don’t know, but I will tell you who doesn’t: CAPTAIN AMERICA!

Our second story is the crossover with Hetalia: Axis Powers and Hunchback of Notre Dame. Before we start, I should tell you that the writer refers to the England as Arthur and America as Alfred. However, for your sake I will keep calling the two by their country names, but just know that the quotes are going to be calling them by their ‘first’ names. Anyways, the story begins with England staring into a furnace while thinking about the gypsy boy America.

If there is a metaphor in here somewhere…I just refuse to see it.

By the way if you couldn’t already tell, the Hunchback’s “crossover” in this is that the whole story is exactly like the Hellfire scene from Hunchback with England as Frollo and America as Esmeralda. Anyways, America’s tempting dances and risqué dress makes England very...for lack of a better word, fascinated with him.

If by fascinated you mean sexually obsessed, then yes. FASCINATED.

And through England’s imagination America appears and starts dancing for him. Eventually, England closes his eyes and “Alfred was there, his image seared into the backs of his eyelids, his form twisting like the flames that were promised to all gypsies.”

Ow.

And as he opened his eyes and watched America dance, England had the following line, which has to be one of the best written lines I have seen in fanfiction. And it’s in a friggin’ yaoi: “Arthur didn't want Alfred. Arthur needed Alfred. To say he wanted was to say that flora wanted sun, that lungs wanted air. To say he wanted was to belittle the fire consuming him, burning his will like kindling and consuming him whole. And as the flora would receive the sun, and lungs would *breath, Arthur would have Alfred.

*breathe

Then England imagined having sexual intercourse on his bed and describes everything that would happen.

That’s just great. It’s like having Shakespere describe the movie “Ben & Arthur”.

The story then ends with this: “Arthur would keep him, trap him in amber and preserve him forever, a specimen under a needle, kept safe behind glass, seen but never touched. Kept from the fires of hell, he'd see Arthur for what he was, a kind soul in a cruel world, a shepherd to the lost, and a savior.”

Why is this writing so good? I want to hate you, but you are making this very difficult. Let’s try this again, but this time let’s have less literary beauty and more My Immortal grammar.

The third and final crossover yaoi that I’m going to review is a crossover between Ouran Host Club and Detective Conan/Case Closed (which is my favorite anime hands down). FYI, I am going to call Heiji by the name of Harley because that’s the name I am used to because I only watch the American dub.

That and some of the names in the Japanese version are really silly. I mean, who calls their kid Ran? Seriously? (If you are about to run down to the comments to tell me that the name Ran is a normal name in Japan, I assumed so. I’m just trying to make a joke and I am sorry if it was offensive.)

The story begins with the two twins from the host club locking Kyoya in a closet, who begging to be released.

I would say there is a metaphor there but I already used that joke.

Apparently the twins had been “had been whispering all day and eying Kyoya. And when the bespectacled host asked where his boyfriend, Hattori Heiji was they just snickered.

Harley has a GIRLFRIEND. Therefore he is STRAIGHT. You wouldn’t believe how many fangirls cannot remember that.

Harley was then revealed to be in the closet too, but he was asleep. Harley tried to look for a way out of the door when he awoke and while he did that Kyoya checked him out. Kyoya tried to hold back that he really just wanted to “take him over and over”.

Somewheeere over the rainbooooow…someone’s getting laaaaaaid…

Harley noticed Kyoya checking him out and asked “Did yeh want to?

I don’t know, did yeh?

Harley quickly looked for cameras in the closet that could be recording the event and didn’t find any. Harley tries to convince Kyoya to do it with him because people already know that the two of them are a couple. Kyoya responds by saying “I know that but the would still have it on tape…

Who is “the would”?

Harley responds by saying “That's okay… I know a very good thief.

I can see it now. "Hey Phantom Thief Kid, do you mind stealing a sex tape between me and some other guy pretty please?" "...you want me to steal what?"

The two begin make-out and then the two have sex until Harley goes on his knees and begins to suck on Kyoya’s di-

THAT’S IT! I’M DONE! NO MORE YAOI! I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO CONTINUE READING THE FLIPPIN’ STORY NOW. THIS STORY HAS SINGLE HANDEDLY BROUGHT A CHARACTER OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE ANIMES ON HIS KNEES TO SOME BONY CUT-RATE TEENAGER WHO THINKS HE IS A PLAYBOY! NO MORE! FINAL THOUGHTS.

NOW.

 

Final Thoughts: Surprisingly, finding crossover yaoi was harder than I thought. Yaoi on fanfiction is mainly just with the people of one series (which you could probably already tell) and put two who the person thought was cute together rather than judging on character. This was a major flaw in two of these crossovers. Captain America wouldn’t do…that and Harley would no doubt shoot himself before sucking another man’s…stuff. And the odd thing is, the crossover with one of the most overrated anime (in my humble opinion) is the king of the crop!


The Fire is perhaps one of the most beautifully well written stories that I have ever read. AND IT IS A YAOI. The fact that a STRAIGHT GUY is saying that should say something. If you know what Hetalia is and know what scene from Hunchback of Notre Dame they are referencing, I HIGHLY recommend you read it (if you are of the correct age of course.) Sure there are some literary flaws in there if you want to nit-pick, but when you come down to it and read the story out loud, it is gorgeous.


The other two…they have no excuse story wise. They botch up the character’s personalities and while they are at it, they tear down the character’s dignity. I just can’t think of any other way to say “I HATE THIS” without sounding unprofessional. I know I sound biased and extremely hateful toward these two authors, and I am sorry if I am! I just don’t approve of the stories they chose to tell. They just involve two “smexy” men going at it for the sake of the authors wanting to actually see it happen. The Fire showed the passion England had for America and how it was driving him mad like Frollo was to Esmeralda in the actual Hunchback movie. That idea was extremely clever and was just fantastic. The other two I hope I can just forget.


Tips for the writer(s):

1.      Remember who the characters ARE! I think I have explained this enough. If you still don’t get it, watch the movie/anime/tv-show/web-show or read the book/manga/comic-book to get the character’s personality down. Otherwise it’s just person one bangs person two.

2.      Be more descriptive on the setting! For all of these, unless you were told in the description, the reader was confused about where the story is taking place. Readers need to know where or else they will always be confused about what’s going on and if the setting affects what the characters are doing. Even if they are doing themselves.

3.      Spelling! Mainly toward the last one, you need to work on your spelling on some words. I know when you type fast you forget to proof read. I did it that on my last chapter and I put some run-ons in there by accident! Point is you gotta spell right or yeh ain’t going to go anywhere

 

That was downright disturbing…I’m going to my bathroom to take a LOOOONG shower. Next time’s crossover is going to be with the Bible! See you then!

...Hold on…Crossover with WHAT?!?!?!




© 2012 Mister Cellophane



Author's Note

Mister Cellophane
Same thing as last time and please note I had to alter it so I could fit it in under the Teen rating so don't get onto me if I am using this "unruly slurs."

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Added on June 19, 2012
Last Updated on November 18, 2012
Tags: reviews, fanfiction, crossover, crossovers, crappy, classy, Case, Closed, Ouran, Host, Club, Yaoi, Captain, America, Anime, Marvel, Thor, Loki, Tripple, Feature, Hunchback, Notre, Dame, Helalia, Axis


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Mister Cellophane
Mister Cellophane

Suburbs, FL



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