The Review Club Forum Discussion on Mike's The Secre..

This is the place to respond to reviews and for further discussion of Mike's The Secret Era - Chapter 02: Economies of Scale

Kim-

Thanks for your review on Chapter 02. I'm glad that you actually like Sally...that was my intention. Despite being so manipulative, I was hoping there would be something about her that was appealing somehow. She will be a prominent character in the storyline.

I can see those points about telling the story in those spots...I have a habit of doing that, so thanks for showing me those points in the narrative. BTW, chumming the waters is a fishing term. Fishermen will scoop hunks of fish meat into the ocean (chum) to attract bigger game, such as sharks.

It's also interesting that you question her nervousness. I guess I wanted her to hit a few other notes in her character, making her not just so forceful, but also somewhat vulnerable to some weakness, especially against another imposing figure such as Lu Bao. I was trying to make the negotiations a little more tense, drawing out the heat of the fight more with Sally's tension.

I'm glad that you got into the ending too. The ending was meant to reveal somewhat of an insider trade type of scandal. Because she had the tip from Senator Garrison that the Internet was being shut down, she wanted to get rid of her investment in Accucent since it was so dependent on the Internet. Do you think that part of the ending came off?

Jean-

Thank you for the review. I can see how you would envision post-apocolyptic sense of the story. You gave me a lot to think about with your idea. I just might have to incorporate some of that. Post-apocolyptic might be a little extreme; we've lived without the Internet before. But I can see how it could lead to rioting and protests...hmmmm....definitely something to think about.

Just to clarify about the tempreature thing...I was picturing different thermostats for different parts of the office, meaning that the conference room could stay warm while her office could remain frigid...

I didn't know the fishing term, which makes sense now and I think is quite fitting in the story.

The nervousness in the character just didn't seem fitting for her. She is a strong character and if she got nervous about meetings like that she wouldn't be in the posistion she is in. I also don't think the assistant would casually anounce you're late for your meeting. A good assistant at that level would have been on the ball and told her on time. Maybe if you had them desperately preparing the presentation and she knows she is late would help draw all the elements together?

Yes. I do think that the ending came off well. The whole time reading, I was thinking she had an alternate reason for what she was doing. The ending confirms it. The only thing, is if this is going to be a big deal. Insider trading and the such and become a scandal. I don't know if she would send an email like that. Something like that is proof of insider trading and she would end up like Martha Stewart.

Oh and your comment about the thermostat, that is common in a large office to have several thermostats. One for each office, meeting room. Several for large shared work areas. The differnt temperatures is fine the way it is.

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Hmmm, you have a point, especially since she's desribed as a shark earlier. I do want to build some tension in their negotiations, and show that she's not all powerful over every person that walks into the room, especially a peer. Gotta think about that one more.

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That's a good idea showing them a little more hurried prior to the meeting. I guess I was envisioning her relationship with her assistant as being a little more vulnerable, allowing Barbara to see Sally's "non-shark" side. Being so close to Sally, Barbara doesn't fall for Sally's manipulations (at least not entirely), and she doesn't give a s**t.

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I was thinking that too actually. I guess I left it as is because the Internet was going down anyway, so the evidence would be sealed off in some remote server, away from public scrutiny anyway...

That's a good point about the information being stored somewhere.

Bullgooseloon-

Thanks for the review...it's really helpful to see which elements of the story need additional reinforcement. I can see your point about it being too brief. You're right; you started the project at the beginning of this new thread. Actually, when I first wrote this piece, the project was intended to be a series of short stories instead of an actual novel. After writing several of the pieces, I discovered that I really wanted to give some of the characters, such as Sally, more room to breathe. At this point, I'm trying for more of a novel/short story series hybrid...I've whittled the selections down to four threads that will each be an ongoing series, perhaps intersecting each other at certain points.

Much of this piece remained largely the same as when it was written as a short story. But with the new parameters in place, I'll definitely be revisiting this one to expound more.

I may just have ran to far with it, but even if ten years from now this happened and the internet went black I imagine security firms, banking and credit cards, and law enforcement would be affected and thats a green like for crooks to come out and play which could escalate, but I'm a stephen king fan so my mind tends to take any scenario and lead it to a violent apocalyptic outcome.

Ah, I think I see what you're saying now...I guess when you used the word "apocolyptic," I was imagining a "Mad Max" type of environment, not so much "Children of Men." Yeah, I can see the effects of such move on that type of level. Geez, there's so much to think about with this project...