the goblin's place Forum somewhere to edit posts withou..

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"...you mean me as a goblin on the internet, why yes I do like my persona like this..." replied the goblin in all modesty, then adding "...for the old man is just my other act as it were, just an act subject to all the constraints of its dailylife, limited by one's reality of whatever one's dailylife is, oh and how one is expected to be within it, whereas here online the only limitations one faces are those of an unimaginative imagination coupled the clumsiness of one's pen, both of which can be corrected in the rewrite though, alas one's dailylife act doesn't get that rewrite there, pity isn't it...", and ever it seemed that one's virtual reality was whatever one could make of it, whereas one's actual reality was whatever it could make of one, smiling "...me I like myself online better, for its limitation are surmountable still..."

next day and xxxx is still moving home the goblin guessed while guessing too that she was happier, she deserved to be happy, the goblin too was just happy now yet for no particular reason his end, nor did he want to find any reason to be otherwise, relating "...my son works, his wage is going to put up our rent so I might have to work less to plead poverty, fear not I will work for free then...", in fact, the goblin somehow knew that he had to hide his happiness from others, relating "...ah yes, one's happiness is like one's wealth, where people in comparison with themselves often shun both those who are are too burdened by their poverty, or those who  cause one envy by their wealth then, same goes with happiness too then, just best not show either extreme happiness or extreme unhappiness..."

somewhat emotionless the old man and the goblin were like two different beings, one outside one inside, where the old man was exactly as he should be, ever that no doubt pragmatic man wh had to see things through with a smile of confidence, meaning not only that he had to support his captain upon her return but also their livein offspring too, offspring as the term his children could hardly be less apt, where in today's case the evening dinner and a chance to set policy now, the policy being simply not to go beyond the doctor's pace, meaning that if she wanted to know how things truly were then she'd best hear it from the doctors directly, we'd play positive and dumb, the doctor's pace then, whereupon the goblin related "...best to play it positive then, not to contradict the pretence if any, and to take it one day at a time too...", in fact, the goblin knew that the old man was super solid, after all he had looked after his mother those many months leading to year that she was failing, hospitals visits, late nights, whatever, but the goblin himself was quite different an inner creature, something created by a constant reflection in juxtaposition to the old man's facade there, smiling "...me, I'm the honest one though, simply I'm something born out of the practice of passing my lot constantly through the focus of my pen, ah yes, years pass and the old man has grown old now, and grows older still, whereas me I haven't changed one bit since I started this thread...", in fact, the goblin suspected that his posts would continue being written in the background of the old man, and more so now that the captain would cause him to reflect upon his actions, adding "...tomorrow is the big day of her return, and the housework though pretty much done is never passable, just it's the way I show my love and the way she counts it..."

"...well it's for real then, I mean it's cancer under the name of "pT4a without" to be exact..." replied the goblin intending to be as honest as possible anonymously online here while letting the old remain as hidden as possible in his dailylife there,  relating "...and yes, perhaps it's somewhat selfish of me to write about my thoughts and feelings in those off moments between on those increasing moments, but to be honest it's not so much the idea of "keeping the body and soul together" here as in its opposite as in keeping those two apart least they drag each other down...", yes it was almost amusing to see how the old man seemed so emotionally detached and determined while his goblin inside went going through his reflections without much choice in the matter, at which point the goblin just smiled "...this journey to self goes by "day by day", the journey's point is that there's is no point really, but if you learn that there is no point but still continue anyway, then just perhaps whatever it was in one's nature all along, hence the journey to self then, from this my nature is revealed perhaps..."

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"...thanks, I'll ask the doctors where if they don't prescribe it for her, then I'll take it for myself instead..." proposed the goblin in a kind of "running away from it all" mood today, where this afternoon she had to go back to the hospital twice for two separate appointments, one being blood, the other being lymph, of course the goblin would accompany her there and back knowing full well that these results were never either instant, nor the full story for that matter, before adding "...whatever the result, her previous lifestyle is over, and the apartment reflects this in its subtle ways, such as her world increasing orbiting towards her bed now, and with us increasingly orbiting that orbit there too, the disinfecting of our hands upon entering the apartment, the smell of cleanliness, in short our apartment has become an outpost of the hospital, with the battle as of yet uncommitted...", in fact, the goblin knew that he would sail through his working day still, till such time as the course of these events spun him out of his work orbit more towards his home orbit, then the hospital's orbit after that, remarking "...if anything it's like a gradual invisible force very reminiscent of gravity itself, where the effect comes across like "slow then sudden", the slow approach and sudden arrival then..."

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"...at least I can write about it from the depth of my anonymity here..." replied the goblin who would try to catch his words with his pen then, adding "...yes that's me, somehow I always fall back to writing about it, meaning I don't actually live in the spur of the moment like most folks do, no instead I reflect what I live down on paper to keep it all under wraps so to speak...", "...would that be some sort writer'of autism by any chance goblin..." inquired the slot out of curiosity, to which the goblin just replied "...not sure, let me write about it first, then I can tell you what I thought..."

...I'll read them presently @fleamailman, when I have steeled myself, and I'm still at a loss for words on it all old friend, do the children know?

"...yes they know but they're grownups, and if anything we're all handling the situation well..." replied the goblin thanking Jats while borrowing his thread to air things here, adding "...I think the line I am me by this seems to be something I've drummed into my family from an early age, and yes, there was that shock moment, it then passed, and now that the dust has settled, they're focused upon themselves in face of the inevitable, and on the positive side we are more living for the present for the present as it were..." where this I am me by this was the line the goblin recalled from looking after his ailing mother, adding "...this opportunity, though not exactly welcome in itself, is perhaps something that can still be very beautiful if done right, and where if it can't quite be done it right, then at least it can be done felt I guess, that's still beautiful though..."

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"...fact or fiction you ask, perhaps both really..." repeated the goblin, adding "...naah, there's no point in my being anonymous here if one can't be honest while one is at it...", where the fiction part was only in the goblin's reaction therein, the old man's not trying to show his emotions then, or perhaps in the way the goblin ever divorced himself from the old man on the outside, repeating "...it's "pT4a without" according to the doctor this morning...", and somehow those famous words how long not long sprang to mind again, but in truth there were only ever those two states of being really, not yet or yet still, the goblin simply enjoyed his yet still, repeating "...one day at a time, make that today alone then, just make it to the end of the day to pat yourself on the back for having won that day outright, yes all our lives we've been real winners in that sense...", where life was ever just winning the unwinnable anyway, just one day at a time as it has always been

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"...why do you ask me, surely if you want to stop posting then that's your choice there, and how do think I would I feel if you I knew that you were actually only posting for my sake here..." replied the goblin who doubted he could actually stop posting though, no he always returned to online, simply "posting online" was an extension of his brain, then adding "...here you can cry with me but if you do cry then hide your tears from those you love around you, for they have to be brave in their turn meaning that you have to show them that example of your bravery there, chin up...", mentioned the goblin had been trying to avoid the thought that he was somehow now living with a corpse then, a corpse resting in the next bed, yes that unvoiced untrue thought had crossed his mind by now, yet the captain was very much alive still, and the more old man tried to comfort her the more that question then of "yet why are you trying to comfort her" fed the untruth further into the circle of recrimination after the fact, his thoughts were not of his own making though, they came to the fore to be dismissed only to return anew, before the goblin smiled it away saying "...me, I post because I'm selfish, I have to be selfish here lest what I post becomes all too selfless otherwise, and yes, this side of me is not the old man a lot..."

"...I'll read whatever you write Jats, the way it's written for me is just your way of handling it though, and is all the more you by your choice of depiction..." went the goblin who had just been talking causally with someone, without letting on why, whose husband had died of the same tape cancer then in 2007 about eight months after the onset, that there was so much pain in the end that even morphine didn't help much it seems, to which of course the goblin eye's grew wide behind the old man's calm "continue please" demure, relating "...well, I guess my life has just got 100% more real of late...", yet outside the bistro the sunny day was far too hot to be england, people just crawled under the nearest shade where life continued no doubt between icecreams and persperation, life was good though, summer was perhaps the best backdrop to the start of this tragedy, hard to avoid the heat at home, sighing "...how much is too much then, not my choice is it, but I'm a coward Jats, somehow I know that in her place I'd never let battle go on to the tirani stage, honestly it's a strange encounter with death, no not only for the one leaving but for the ones escorting her there too..."

"...let them troll me at their own peril..." smiled the goblin not without practice towards them, then adding "...where my problem is ever the possible closure of the forum and thus the need to repost between forums because of it...", hence the reason why the goblin had started nigh anonymous facebook account, where he can store his posts while refusing to accept any friends, concluding "...various problems though, for example there's no "bold" nor "italic", and I'm not sure that I'll get away with posting pic neither, well if I get banned from facebook for swiping pics so be it...", in fact it felt real good to using facebook in the way facebook least wants, now smiling "...me, I'm not how I look am I, nor what I have, nor those whom I know neither, ah no, me I'm just words on your screen here, yet if you can relate to what I write and feel closer to me by it, then you're on my wavelength and closer to me than every superficial facebook user out there..."

"... no I'm happy as things are my end concerning my anonymity here, so you're published you say, perhaps I was too once, but then one ends up trapped by what one writes how sad to be so dated like that, not me though, not here now..." smiled the goblin allowed back on facebook again and thinking how facebook must hate anonymity too, probably glad that there were no goblins on facebook, one was enough it seemed, then adding "...and indeed you might be david then, then again you could just as likely be someone else only claiming to be david in his place, all too easy that, yet what does it matter, whereas I might not be a goblin in fact, but as a goblin evidently I happen to have that readership you claim to not want neither, true I'm flattered by those who read me but I don't know who any of them are, I only know whether they're worth reading, and besides that, tell me what readership actually means to someone who remains anonymous, replies are what I'm in it for...",  and with that the goblin thanked the poet for reminding him of his own values again, repeating "...it's not the end result that lands on the page but the inner result that manifests itself through the constant practice of writing that motivates me, facebook I am not..."

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[QUOTE]Answering in a convoluted manner just makes you seem more insecure.  I think you know better by now but you're falling so hard for the "sunk cost fallacy" that you will never stop playing mental gymnastics even though it's clear you're course of action is based on vanity over substance.  You're ego won't allow it. I pity you for that.[/QUOTE]

"...is that so poet, I mean it's always you who cuts the cord by unfriending me..." smiled the goblin knowing it would be no different this time around too, adding "...no, like I said before I have all I want from this forum, someone to chat to, and places to repost my posts to too, plus if anyone wants to see my posts here they can...", in fact, the goblin was fighting facebook now, smiling "...oh yes, when china does not allow anonymous posting we think that's real bad of them, whereas when facebook does not allow anonymous posting neither we think that's all for our own security isn't it..."

"...ah but whatever hobby you suggest would just be what then, just a hobby as you put it, no better than football perhaps, where instead of that, me I like writing in this gise because it's something one can do right up to any age, and once one is writing in third person it offers one the possibility both of narration and of dialog too, explaining why most other posts here seem visually flat by comparison, and where my threefold goal remains [B]a writer's way with words, an illustrator's eye of pictures, and the perseverance of a troll[/B], something that would hardly come into being now if I followed your advice of some unimaginative hobby like, stamp collecting, train spotting, or trolling to no purpose with stuff one doesn't even recollect later..." smiled the goblin knowing too that persona was merely a way to clear that void left when writing in third, explaining too "...you see, readers don't like blancs where I could hardly write the albeit more truthful explanation of "says the one who is writing this" here, and where a goblin persona, such a mine is, is so easily remembered by anyone who reads it, I mean who remembers usernames whereas who doesn't wish to forget conversing with a goblin now...", at which point the goblin concluded the obvious by recounting "...online one is what one makes of oneself here, one's imagination, whereas in dailylife there it's just ever what it make of you still, ever one's reality than, naah I've been my external long enough, and now want to be my internal instead, and the only one with any right to say who I am inside is me isn't it..."

"...good to see that you're still pulling out aces there..." smiled the goblin wondering why so few folks took time out of their dailylives to write what they felt, adding "...me, I'm living with her chemotherapy while she's lives on with her cancer, just they poison her to cure her I guess, where she mostly vomits up that which she swallows down, thus she eats more but she still loses weight too, yes it's a silent fight where the more there are words of comfort the less she believes them of me, and where my role at this point is to remove hair from her hairbrush, take the cold milk out of the fridge because those cold objects burn her fingers, and to be there when she needs me, meanwhile I work as a different person, yes I hide it well Jats, no I even promise my wife that we'll go to japan at the end of this year, knowing that if I break each member of my family will break too, so I cannot break Jats...", to which the goblin paused to reflect upon what he meant, rewording it by "...pain to open the eyes, I was  asleep till this happened, now at least I'm awake, perhaps too awake even..."