the goblin's place Forum somewhere to edit posts withou..

"...yes, I lack that positive skinship in my life, and no I don't mean that in the sexual way though, more it's just like the scene in midnight cowboy when ratso opens jon voight's shirt and rests his cheek on jon's stomach as if to cry or to just to feel comforted, yes just I would love to have a dog or a cat, or someone to just hug for 30seconds each day at least..." mentioned the goblin who had no physical contact with anyone really, yes it's "no pets allowed and no hugs that ever last long enough", sighing "...ok, since I now understand that I've got to live through this ending, I've stopped letting myself go like before, no I'm more active, I've lost weight, and generally taking more care on myself too, however now that I'm not letting myself go anymore I'm left kind of wondering what I'm supposed to be holding myself on for...", meanwhile the sun just shone in utter indifference to the goings on of the humans below perhaps knowing all things just pass anyway

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[QUOTE]Hi there fleamailman may I ask why you are banned from that site?[/QUOTE]

"...well for one I wanted to write in posts as a livewriter, no I felt that posts were the actual future of writing per se not books, and then two, and as I pointed out previously too I started my edit threads there and both times the admin came along and just deleted them without warning, three, I'd bump my thread with a new work and that narked them because bumping a thread is frowned upon, four to maintain my persona I write in third person under the guise of a goblin, where I imagine they wanted someone who would write normally like those "meat and two veg books elsewhere writertypes", those whose posts fell ever short of their ability by looks of things, just saying..." related the goblin grateful for that ban today, then adding "...and besides, I dare anyone to find even one malicious post by me, naah that's not my style as seen here, however that was back then, all those many years ago now, so I stuck to my guns at the time and that cost me my membership, they even went as far as to ask me not to mention livewriting, actually one's writing in posts is livewriting as it's a live context, in short nacia, I didn't understand them and they didn't understand me, well founded grounds for divorce I suppose..."

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[QUOTE=Grace Gabriel]"Here then", Grace mentioned, logging onto the site solely to make her name appear at the bottom of the page - "my support ", Grace offered, unable to muster any interest in the offerings of the threads, but keeping the door open on her world in a visible silent connection then. And the evening air felt cool enough for a stroll down to the village - the promise of a choc ice giving meaning to an otherwise unnecessary excursion. Old Faithful was alert and agitating now - understanding the cues of shoes being pulled on and keys jangling. And Little Man had vanished along the corridor looking for his other sock - "no doubt with a sole as blackened and ripe as the other one", Grace wrote, marvelling at how basic grooming seemed to fly the coup the second the school term ended. And Grace ran a hand through her hair and hoisted the pair of shorts that hung precariously from her hip bones - ready to exchange pleasantries and pass the time of day with whoever then, as Little Man sailed along on his bicycle and the dog ran forwards and back, collecting smells and herding his family together. And Grace hugged Flea tight before leaving, so wanting to tell him that everything would be all right yet knowing the truth is that everything will just be then. xx[/QUOTE]

"...it's beautiful to see someone bring their homelife to the page in such vivid imagery, you'll keep your posts safe won't you, it's precisely this type of stuff that most folks want to read really, a journal of sorts, moments of other worlds..." smiled the goblin caught too late in the evening to do justice in his reply, but then adding by way of exchange "...the captain and I sat for about an hour on the balcony to look at the raging storm around us, a blessing after the summer's heat, and then we talked about nothing in particular for an hour or so, a shared activity of friends like this, so she's in bed now, not sick nor sad, nor even thinking about it neither, yes the rain had stopped now though the balcony candles flicker away to a faintly rumbling sky, as the evening's darkness envelopes me in thought still, and now your pm too, a sweet ending to a lone day off, thanks Grace...", simply the goblin was happy, no it didn't take much to make him happy where just so many things could have made him unhappy

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"...you found me Grace, Jats is still here too, seems like the old days now..." smiled the goblin taking time out to reply in full later, but summarizing now by "...actually she worked with me Grace though she has now left by looks of things, no I declined her final offer as I'm not that type of man, no I'm proud to be a doormat but ever a doormat who only allows one woman at a time to thoroughly walk over me, btw would I have liked to have been that alpha man instead, naah too much guilt and insecurity, I mean who could trust me after the fact, so I'll go down with the ship as planned, right as that is, but then I'll swim away if I can and if there's someone worth swimming to...", odd because normally women outlived their husbands where husbands didn't get to face this problem, to which the goblin explained "...alas I didn't get time to explain to her my side as I saw it, perhaps I would have said "I can give you a ring, a home, and possibly a baby too, but they all come with a curse for I suspect that I don't have ten years left in me, and thus that leaves you as a single mother by it", where if she had still said yes, then I might have asked her to wait for me still, the pangs are still there, yet now that she has bolted, part of me says "let her go for this is how she is really, not how you imagined her"..."

the goblin returned, and had kind of summed his wife's cancer much in the way Grace he put it in her post there, confiding "...yes it's like blackmail isn't it, cancer is a blackmailer who demands treatment from one offering an extension of one's life at the price of one's failing health, so one pays off the blackmailer at an increasing steep price until in the end it isn't so much the cancer itself but some time and place before that death there where one caves in and admits to oneself at least"enough, this isn't a life worth enduring anymore"...", and no the goblin's wife was still well to look at, without undue signs of alarm now, cooping with it only as a shadow within her imagination, then the goblin sighed "...all said and done, she's still my friend throughout, so I'll do what's right by her, moreover I can't afford to break over this, simply I must see her out in whichever way she wants, and in whichever way I can too, yes I admit that we were loveless too long to be all loveful now, but I won't throw her prior rejection of me till this point back at her now, no I'll be that caring if not loving husband to the last then...", and then the goblin laughed at himself for the absurdity of it all, adding "...yes it's odd how my persona of this goblin on the internet here is far more honest with you than the old man in his dailylife ever is, yet both are just acts in their different ways, yet me all the same..."

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at which point the just reiterated that meeting the others here would just spoil it for him, saying "...I'm very nervous around humans, they're kind of big and clumsy see...", in fact, the goblin wondered that in meeting anyone once one could really gleam their true nature now, smiling "...nope, me I judge someone if at all by their fluidity of pen coupled with their quickness of mind, something that takes quite a while to convince me of their readability, their views, their morals, in short their mindset as laid out by their posts here..."

"...welcome indeed, you're another one of us by looks of things..." smiled the goblin always liking to meet for want of a better word a livewriter here, just someone who writes in their posts, then restarting "...Jats, Grace, and I, go back years now, where I'm always honest about my feeling at least, if not about personal details though, I mean there's no much point in giving one's alter ego full sway in the guise of a goblin persona on the internet here if one isn't totally honest with oneself while at it...", in fact, the goblin wife, whom he called the captain, had colon cancer, "pt4a without", while the goblin himself had an infatuation with a workmate who was still there but thankfully was distant now, explaining "...the old man is always dutiful and considerate towards the captain, the goblin inside him sees this and approves on the one hand while understanding too that events are slowly overtaking them both, where at its simplest then the old man in order to live through his demise of the captain had decided that he must turn his body back to how it was many years before, meaning a stronger thinner handsomer old man then, to which one unenvisaged side effect had been the release of his libido too, a libido that had been suppressed under his chubby torso and by those many years of verbal/physical rejection rightly or wrongly from his spouse, simply I had gone along with this thinking I could express myself online here, while the old man rightly denied himself there for the sake of the family, just "madame bovery" perhaps save that in this instance madame bovery escapes her fate of suicide...",  at which point the slot just gobbled down the post before the goblin could continue further suspecting that it was just too long for most readers

[QUOTE][QUOTE]at which point the just reiterated that meeting the others here would just spoil it for him, saying "...I'm very nervous around humans, they're kind of big and clumsy see...", in fact, the goblin wondered that if in meeting anyone once one could really gleam their true nature now, smiling "...nope, me I judge someone if at all by their fluidity of pen coupled with their quickness of mind, something that takes quite a while to convince me of their readability, their views, their morals, in short their mindset as laid out by their posts here..."[/QUOTE] As one, daily, in the world of people, I think you miss much. There is no comparison to a face to face human. We have evolved for it. It is in every cell in our body to make contact. I’m afraid a lot of this generation will come up wanting—stuck on their computers, hidden away in rooms and basements, sniggering at their clever on-line comments. [/QUOTE]

"...maybe that's true but then again there are the elderly and the handicapped, and so may others disadvantaged simply be their circumstances, just their externals in other words, so much so that I actually thank the internet for being this virtual reality between us now..." observed the goblin aware that one's reality was what it made of one whereas one's virtual reality was what one made of it, smiling "...maybe you're right though, where perhaps our role in that case then is not so much teaching others how to write works here, but more imaginatively it's our teaching them how to become themselves here through their writings...", where either way all that was ever here were just so many words a screen

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"...I love the posts and the posters too for their individuality here,  their own style as it were..." ventured the goblin, adding "...I mean there's no right way to post only your way to post but if your way of posting is repeated often enough then two things are bound to happen, your brushwork makes you stand out against those who don't post or hardly post much, and your persona comes to the fore by what of yourself you choose to relate and reveal, love your posts...", back to topic then and the goblin confided "...I think a lot of men my age carry that beer belly around their waist simply to state that they're off the market, Grace is right about those hormones returning with one's putting oneself back on the market, which I must it seems, no I promise to be a good little goblin while there's a mrs goblin in my life, mind you I always have too, and probably put myself off the market like that to make sure I was, where today I walked alone with my thoughts from the plain de aiguille to the station of montenvers, a good three hours trek over some of the most boulderous views of the alps going, so my neck is burned to a lobster, my legs under unwanted bulge are probably both legs and mine still even if they probably want to be be somebody else's legs by now, but the gut feeling was one of that inner happiness at overcoming the challenge and knowing too that such challenges could be overcome then..." in fact, three hours turned out to be a lot of time to think over people's replies and to  reassess one's own values by them, yet where it went and where it goes too is all just a journey to self really

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel

"A storm then", Grace wrote, now realising why she had felt so wired all morning. And the lightning was like a network of fluorescent veins pulsing in the sky as the thunder sonic-boomed and reverberated around the hills. It had gone dark so quickly - the rain pounding and slapping the ground in violent release - Grace framed in the doorway, captivated by it all. "Are you all right Flea?", she asked, wondering if it was win,lose or draw for him and his captain today...x

"...well yes and no..." replied the goblin explaining "...it's ever like blackmail still, that is that one just doesn't know when, if, nor by how much neither, no she's doing fine for now..." where today was her second dripfeed of poison, it's the evening time where she has just related to me that this time it feels worse, and where her real reaction starts tonight through into the morning, sighing "...well, I can do nothing bar comfort her and sit around too, no I won't leave her side but I'm not in control of the outcome any more than she is, and that "what would happen if I break" fear is ever present within me, just stiff upper lip pretense all round I guess, for the world of adults is ever one of these white lies then, btw thanks for doing that great post on Jats's thread there, you've always been a great support Grace, your posts are real reads, and give the littleman a big hug for me..."

The effects of chemo get scarey, the further into treatment you go", Grace wrote, remembering her own increasing terror at the weight loss and steady incapacitation with both her Mum and her best friend, "of course, no two treatments or reactions are the same but I want you to remember what I've said - save yourself the sickening sense of dread that I went through. And Grace knew she was covering old ground here, but still wanted to stress the importance of flushing the captain's system as quickly as possible. "As many fluids as you can coax into her Flea - and pomegranite juice is extremely effective", Grace wrote. And Grace remembered the hours she spent trawling medical journals and cancer studies, collating as many weapons as she could to combat the disease. "It was my coping mechanism", Grace explained, who had a natural tendency to turn into General Patten when any obstacle arose. "I guess it just gives me a sense of control", she admitted - knowing full well that if you dropped her down into a deserted mine shaft, she'd likely sit and methodically chew off her hair to carefully plait into the slimmest possibility of a rope - "action, however futile, empowers me", she shrugged. And Grace reiterated the all important word antioxidants again - "anything that will empower the captain's immune system to dispel the toxic medicine and enhance her cells' ability to eradicate the cancer spread", Grace typed, speeding up now in a bid to say more yet still pretend brevity. "Vitamin C isn't stored in the body", she hammered, "up to 20,000 mg a day has proved wholly effective in treating cancer on its own". And Grace stopped - sitting back to chew her lip and search her memory for what would have supported her in those dark days. "Love you Flea", she re-started , "and I know you'll do right by the captain, and do it well and willingly...and you ARE doing well", she promised, both proud of Flea and his choices in all this. "And as much as I can do is distract you on the thread", Grace wrote, "a few minutes in my life to escape from it all - some nonsense and teasing to make you laugh then". Yet Grace hoped he would remember she was here for the ugly stuff - always watching for a PM and here to talk if needed then. "You're a good man", Grace wrote, sleeves rolled up and walking beside him now a helpful ghost if ever there was one. xx

"...it's just so uncertain still, no she looks and acts well enough for someone under chemotherapy, yet I feel unable to lift my spirits high lest she sickens, and unable to abandon them neither lest she survives, so it's this constant limbo, a shadow however small that blackmails and hang over this present, leaving us making plans in case of either outcome, something all masked by a facade of reassurances too, so that's my time at home now..." responded the goblin who by contrast used work as if as a welcome playground of escape, home if anything was the constant classroom of "life held to ransom", relating "...she's like you, she takes very good care of herself, commanding me to touch those cold surfaces that she now can't, do more and more housework, where for example we talked all the way to the coop today but even that seemed too much as she's back in bed asleep now, anyway, and at any rate too the price she pays the blackmailer is still small, it's just the type of blackmailer she addresses daunts us both behind our masks here..."

"...lovely reads..." went the goblin who strangely loved his life at the moment, where perhaps he shouldn't love it really, even if one could only go so far feeling sorry for oneself, or one's wife for that matter, or for whatever reason then, after that moment though it's like "enough, I've been at this pity party long enough, now I want to dance to discover how I'm fine I am by myself", relating "...so my daughter has invited me to the disco next weekend, meanwhile I'm toning my body dancing away each evening for what must be hours of coordinated precise timing studied movements and measured stamina, and feeling so good at it too, looking good by it, right up until it flows without effort and become natural in itself, meaning that my selflove has returned to me, that's all it is really but hell that was what I was so missing...", where selflove and selfconfidence often went hand in hand

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"...I so wanted to write something today, instead the day just passed in its own demands of me once more..." went the goblin apologizing mostly to himself here, saying "...life is good on the daily basis but how I'd like a holiday from it, just there is no escape from the shadow of it, the blackmailer, the treatment, the daily repetition, the tension and the tenderness required, the lies and the doubts too, no I dance to clear my mind of all, yet when I stop dancing my mind refills with its reality anew...", where outside the goblin's apartment the view offered a golden sunset, the goblin watching from inside knew that he would go all the unknown distance still, sighing "...just however long it takes then, and as long as she has no break from it then I guess I don't have that break neither, no, the best I can offer myself now is distraction, either to write when I can, or to dance when I can't, but this is mostly what it's like when one's spouse is blackmailed like this..."

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"...where today I'm suspecting I'm not as manly as I'd like to be really, no I keep my goals in please, but I'm also wondering if I can find or settle for another captain in my life..." ventured the goblin knowing that much as there was no physical side to things the intellectual side was still very real, confiding "...while my wife lives, I'll compare anyone else to what I have now, thus my wish to have sex outside my marriage perhaps, whereas when she dies I dare say that I'll compare that same person to my wife from way back, that dynamic captain I once knew, where alas knowing myself and because of that comparison there, I might not couple with anyone ever again, no I suspect too that if she goes downhill I'll revert to that genuine loving husband as that need to support is stronger within me than the mere need to love is, is this manly then, as if I care really, no it's me though as manly or otherwise...", yes, somehow the goblin had always placed death before love, where this would simply be another example of that placement there, sighing "...meanwhile I put myself on the market as if I didn't really know the futility of that by what I've just admitted to myself, why so, because my heart is really where the hurt is, so when she finally hurts is when I'll turn into her husband for sure, her time comes as my time behind her, where that's just me by this without explanation really..."

"...well, it continues as it has been anna, only more apparent now..." confided the goblin aware that those things she did he now does for her without comment nor complaint, where they have stopped the treatment for her lack of hemoglobin, and where most hemophiliacs if they do die these days, die of internal bleeding not external cuts, adding "...so my wife is fading away, she is diminishing then, yes all that perhaps, but she is not broken by it, so neither am I, I'm just there now, but not too there to make it seem like obvious...", where the goblin for his part fell back to dancing to headphones or his posting on like this, maybe some nights he'd even go to the disco too only to return before midnight, confiding "...it's like a dance with him anna, I can't speak out, I can't change things neither, nor turn back the clock, moreover I can't breakdown lest others do, yet my movements match that blackmailer's step for step I promise, and if I live through this, my hard won movements will be for her still, I did what I could..."

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the goblin was enjoying the reads now, other people's posts by it, while his work was relaxed enough, though that could change at any moment, then adding "...someone recently asked me why I like to be in the company of young people, where I just confided the point that young people talk about plans and their dreams they have yet to realize, they're all about tomorrow then, whereas folks my age are all about the present mostly if not the recollecting their past, so that's my answer I guess, where simply talking to someone my age is like talking to myself or looking into a mirror of what I am, whereas talking to someone young is like talking to what I could have once been perhaps..."

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"...big day today..." mentioned the goblin knowing his wife had her appointment with the doctor to find out "both what it meant and what's in store", and why they had stopped her treatment, and what would replace it, the what and when, then adding "...not that it changes the underlying reality of its blackmail, only the price changes perhaps, together with the timeframe too, but not what it is and what it means really...", the day was low cloud with perhaps a clear blue sky in the mountains beyond geneva, the goblin would know soon enough, for work was non stop till some time next week, the goblin always dived his into work, but however much the dived in, it, like the rest too, didn't quite preoccupy his thoughts enough, eventually he'd find himself thinking this through without any conclusion bar its continuation as must be

devoice will destroy them...", in fact, the goblin remembered his first wife who devoiced him, not the other way round, but then later my daughter by that marriage turned round and told me that she her mother asked her "why did daddy leave us", that line real hurt, and anyway my daughter cut contact with me some time later, and I've never heard from them since