Deleting Everything is Hard to Do.

erasing messages on the phone can be this emotional.

I deleted it.

Just that.

I wish I could say I was ready and that when I did it I had let go of all the pains and disappointments. But no, I still can’t.

I haven’t allowed myself to grieve for the past months and maybe, it’s all coming back. Now that I am here, all moved on and having a blast with my new life.

But is it?

Did I do the right thing?

All the sympathies, hopes, cheers, laughter, smiles, goofs, tears, loneliness, evidences, dreams… memories.

Funny how you can erase history just by a button.

It still hurt. It still pains me. Though I have nothing of the past that would make me lose my future, I still got its burden.

 

Why now? I thought I was numb, I didn’t care. Now I cared so much that I even don’t want anybody.

Sigh.

I miss everything despite of everything.

His hand, smile… everything. The idea of having another one couldn’t console me anymore. I thought I can find it in a matter of time… but where?

Crazy, I know.

And it’s already been four months.

I never even cried, thinking it wasn’t worth it anyway. But it now, I think it didn’t do me any good. I wish I had.

I never acted desperate, a little too angry maybe, but never the crying one who’s helpless. I don’t want the sympathies of my friends nor their defense. But I thought of the time as a war, and I was on the right side.

Time and time again I thought I won…

… did i?

Author's Note

just some things i typed last year. :)