Pouring Blue

 

 

Looking up at the blue

Collecting in the sky

Daily laid out 

Above our heads

For all to see

Everyday, it's ignored

 

Blue is always calm,

Distributing its care

Sometimes getting emotional,

Crying blue diamonds

But always it returns to its happy self

After each cleansing

The blue is even more piercing

 

Blue penetrates the soul of mankind

If only we let it, massage our wounds

Absorbing blue from around the world,

Paying it back

Whenever we take the time

To see the sky pouring blue

Reviews

Dear Phantom Heart
Thanks for your review of "Kissing Lesson." Your phrase "pig slop to a king" is priceless and cracked me up. The stuff of a pro reviewer who makes his living with words! So, here I am.

Since you said you want constructive criticism, I will say that line breaks can be extremely useful for emphasis. For example:

Looking up at the blue
collecting in the sky
it stands above our heads
daily, ever faithful

Next, I would say that you must consider every word and it's meaning, value, tone, color, etc.
I have read poems in which every line took my breath away. Once that happened, I tried to
keep this feeling and reaction in mind when I write and I try to squeeze as much meaning in
a single line as I can.

Looking at your first few lines, the word "stands" stopped the flow of my reading. Because I
don't think of the sky as standing. Not to say you cannot use this, but the choice must be
conscious.

Crying blue diamonds is a sparkling phrase.

Here is another example of the effectiveness of line breaks:

after each cleansing the blue
even more piercing
penetrates the soul of mankind
massage wounds if we let it

or change the order so "if we let it" clearly applies to both phrases

penetrates the soul of mankind
if we let it massage wounds
absorbing blue
from around the world
paying back
whenever we take time
to see the sky
pouring blue

Line breaks can take the place of verbs and any extra word(s) will delete impact and, therefore, meaning.
Hope this helps.

Hattie
The only rule: writers write. All the rest is a guideline.

[Queen Jummarrium]

wow that was awesome. very deep and so true. i absolutely love it. Especially the line "Blue penetrates the soul of mankind" it was brilliant!

[Brjden (Bridge-Den) Cre..]

Very beautiful and fantasizing! After reading(no bullshit), I went outside to see what kind of "blue" the sky was pouring(kinda cloudy). I love how simplicity can also bring about creative imagery as well! Great write.....