Prologue

Prologue of "What Lies Behind Her Eyes".

Behind Those Eyes

 

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"She shall be mine! You will never see her again! I shall teach her about black magick, and together my stolen daughter and I shall rule Akeiante forever!"

 

A woman with skin and hair as white as snow, eyes a dark eternal blue like the night, and with a deep red slash acrost her forehead hissed in triumph. A dark haired beauty lay at her side, crying out in remorse as her two week old daughter was snatched out of her grasp. The dark haired woman had tried her hardest to phase as all Cat Creatures on her world could, but the pale lady had clawed her out before she even could.

 

"She will never be your daughter! I am the queen of this world. You my petty friend are nothing, but an evil-spirited beast who calls herself a Werecat. Give her to me before I destroy you for trying to take away Maney. Here me out, Kaia, if you so much as harm a hair on her head or sway her an inch over to the dark side I am going to banish you from this planet. And, as you well know there are no other livable planets out there."

The dark haired lady growled as she mashed her teeth together out of pure unadulterated anger, Kaia ignored her, and used her tail to whip the other lady smack in the face. As the full moon began to rise in the sky, it revealed that the two were situated in the middle of the forest, and that they both were dressed in the traditional Cat Creature garb. A garb that for the females was a dark purple dress with a slot for a tail, sandals (for a Cat Creature can not easily wear flip flops), and red hair bands.

 

"As if, Kaia, you are weak and pathetic for someone that dares call herself a Cat Creature! I am this Clan's rightful leader, and that little cub is mine, Krystaletta!"

Kaia hissed and raised her right paw as if to rid the world of the queen of the Werecats.

 

"No, take me instead. Leave her be…"

 

Kaia did not care for any of the words that Krystaletta had uttered out of her lips, and she also did not particularly care about anyone but herself. She wanted the kingdom for herself, and she'd do anything to get it. She raised her paws up, claws out, and ripped Krystaletta's heart right out.

 

After that she stole Krystaletta's daughter away, and naturally one would think the daughter would turn out as vile as the one who cared for her, but this was not the case. Maney, which translates literally to daughter of the roses, ran away as soon as the dreams hit her revealing the fact the Kaia was never her mother to begin with. And, the day that she hit sixteen was the day that changed her life forever- for better or worse only time can tell.

Author's Note

See book's main page for review sugguestions.

Reviews

[Cheshire]

Since you asked for specific ideas, I'll dissect it for you and you can take what you want or dismiss what you don't :P

-- ""She shall be mine! You will never see her again! I shall teach her about black magick, and together my stolen daughter and I shall rule Akeiante forever!"

A woman with skin and hair as white as snow, eyes a dark eternal blue like the night, and with a deep red slash acrost her forehead hissed in triumph."

Perhaps combine this together, I understand why you separated them, for hook's sake, but if you do leave them separate, change it from "A woman" to "The woman". It makes a bit more sense when you are connecting speech to speaker after a gap. The second part of the sentence doesn't flow very well, with a bit much of the word 'and'. You may want to consider splitting it up some, here is an example of how I would do it, without connecting the speech above. Keep in mind that this is my writing style, where I tend to lean towards heavy embellishment and a large use of adjectives, but you will get the general idea of how to split it up for greater impact.

"The woman's skin and hair were bleached as white as snow, with nary a blemish to mar their perfectly smooth surface, except for a deep red slash across her forehead. Her dark eyes were a twilight blue, like staring into the sky on a moonlit night, anger and promise pulsing from their depths at her vehement words."

-- Using the same phrase repetitively can cause readers to become bored, like when you used "dark-haired" to describe the woman on the ground. Surely there has to be something more remarkable about her than her dark hair :P

-- What did you mean by "clawed her out"? (After reading over it several times, I realized that you meant the daughter had been clawed out of her grasp. Be careful when using words like "her". The way its written, she is "clawing [the dark-haired woman] out" since its the last identifier for "her")

-- "You my petty friend are nothing, but an evil-spirited beast who calls herself a Werecat."

Commas can change the meanings of sentences completely, and this is one such example.

"You, my petty friend, are nothing but an evil-spirited beast who calls herself a Werecat."

-- "Give her to me before I destroy you for trying to take away Maney." - comma after "Give her to me", again it changes the meaning of the sentence.

-- Here - Hear

-- Try not to start off sentences with And, But, Or, etc.. Usually you can completely omit the word and the sentence make more sense than trying to tie it to the sentence before with 'and'.

-- That being said, I didn't even realize who was talking at the time until I read a bit, you may want to clarify who exactly is speaking a bit better. Also, I'm quite confused as to the identity of the two women. Is Kaia the white haired woman or the dark haired woman?

-- You should change the comma at "anger, Kaia ignored her," to a period.

-- "A garb that for the..." would make more sense as "The garb that for females...". You could also just add a comma before at the start of the sentence, but that would make a very long complex sentence with a bit too many commas, and I would recommend the "The" instead.

-- "Cat Creature can not easily wear" - "Cat Creature cannot easily wear" These two spellings [cannot/can not] are largely interchangeable, but by far the most common is “cannot” and you should probably use it except when you want to be emphatic: “No, you can not wash the dog in the Maytag.”

-- ""As if, Kaia, you are weak and pathetic for someone that dares call herself a Cat Creature! I am this Clan's rightful leader, and that little cub is mine, Krystaletta!"" - Again, commas change everything, be careful of your use and disuse. Change the comma after Kaia to a period. Something I just noticed, I thought you were just neglecting to put a space, but I think I get it. You don't have to have dialogue by itself on new lines every time, they can be part of paragraphs as well. I won't write out a whole example here, but you can check out the ones in my book that I have on here for examples. By adding them to paragraphs, you can easily designate speakers and even add emotion to them in different ways. Just don't forget the rule that when you change speakers, you start a new paragraph.

-- "She raised her paws up, claws out, and ripped Krystaletta's heart right out." - You used the same word here in the sentence, but with separate meanings. When you have homonyms in the same sentence, use additional identifiers to make it less confusing for your readers, or use synonyms. Here is an example:

"She raised her paws up, claws extended, and ripped Krystaletta's heart right out of her chest."

-- The ending seems rushed, you could easily expand on some of the ideas at the end, like the dreams, to draw the reader in more.

-- Again, take out the 'And' at the beginning of the last sentence, and cut off "only time can tell" - you are probably going to tell, otherwise it would make for a very short novel :P

I will read the next chapter later if you want, have to head into work. Good ideas behind the story, very original, keep up the strong imagination :)