Jaded

He wanted so badly to love me...

On different sides of a door

Gaining the courage to hurt you

Savoring the calm before

I walk in that room and usher you

Into the untold adulthood

That is my wakeful state.

I never thought I would play this role

Your shoes I filled a few young years ago

He was mysterious and mature

Enough to catch my eye

In the lonely way that I caught yours

With the script already written too late.

Disappointed in my own weaknesses

Those moments I called you friend

And couldn’t see past the smile

Of a wolf in sheep’s clothing again

And the roles we play at work

Committed to character I step into my fate.

Your burning optimism untouched

To be snuffed out with compassion

Kevorkian in my method unlike previous

A sick hope that you would hate me

To soften the blow of just denial

I refuse to settle for your eager touch.

To kiss you would be to love

The wrong person the right way

And one day you will think of me

Many years from now, melancholy

And recall the day you became

Like the rest of us, jaded and rough.

I watched you drive away

Content in my heartbrokenness

Not that you left with a piece

But no solace left in me knowing

Solitude is the door I wait behind

Patiently for love to come knocking.

But you are not that sound

That voice that fills me with hope

And if I were cruel I would keep you

Shiny and new in my pocket

The way I was held once before

Whispers and clipped wings flocking.

Had they been his lips tonight

The story would continue unhinged

Intrigued at the thought that 

I sent you away perfect on paper

For someone who will never say

A single word I need to hear, no more.

That I denied you for my deity

Religious reasons of focus and purity

That I’m holding out for unknown eyes

Or that I simply forgot how to love

That there is anything remaining behind it

I am content with a closed door.

Author's Note

Sorry if it's a bit all over the place. This piece evolved while I was writing it. It's about like three different things.

Reviews

[Charlie Black]

Perfecto! Not at all 'all over the place'; I understood perfectly and I enjoyed your wordplay thoroughly. The way that you phrased the struggle and turmoil was applaudable. Thank you for sharing!

[Amanda Marie]

Thank you so much for your review Charlie Black