Carpe Diem

A Story by Dirty-Hipster

A 15 year old girls suicide letter

Carpe Diem

By Victoria Hayes

Mom and Dad,

I'm writing this letter, September 24th, It’s my season as the leaves have started falling now, the orange crisp leaves hit the pavement silently, un noticed until all the warm colored leaves have gone off the trees, the people will walk through the leaves with frowns as they realize the winter will soon be here, the kids will dance happily in the leaves, because they realize winter, will soon be here. The wind outside is chilly, and filled with the regrets from summer, that everyone has. Even I, your daughter Autumn have these regrets.

Those regrets, are why you are reading this letter, these are the reasons I will be buried in a few days, because the fact I killed myself. Maybe when I am done writing this, maybe a few days later, maybe I won’t do it, maybe I will get my emotions out in this letter and feel better after, shredding it or saving it to add onto. I’m not to sure.

I guess at this point you want to know, what are my regrets, isn't that was people do in their suicide letters now? Tell them everything that went wrong, blaming people rather than saying their goodbyes and that they are happier being dead. Here it goes, I am about to tell you why I killed myself.

July 1^st

July first, the first day of summer vacation, the happiest, so they say. Summer vacation was always quiet for me, not because I didn't have friends, because I do- did, Never the less, I just don’t talk to people during the summer, I like doing my own thing at home, this July first was different, I was getting ready for a party that night, my first party. One that you and dad most certainly did not know about, and you guys didn't know until you started to read this. I got my best outfit ready for the first summer party, I was obviously nervous, like any teenager would be. There would be vodka and drugs, we all knew that, everyone who went knew. I will skip my sneaking out, because I don’t to ruin it for Alyssa, she still uses that route to go to David’s, she loves him, he loves her and wouldn't dare to hurt her like he did me.

The party was great, I had fun and was drunk most definitely, the whole night there had been a boy by my side, my best friend, David. I loved you, just like a big brother, 2 years older than me; a year older than Alyssa’s age, but you guys know that already. That night something happened, that night we kissed, more than once, a few times, we kissed a lot, it felt natural. I wanted those kisses so badly, I had for years, now that I had them, and I felt complete. But as the night progressed so did the fiery intensity the surrounded us, the flame that were the kisses surrounded us and threatened to burn, leave scars. Unlike you David I still have the scars and I will forever hold them, even in my grave. We went to a room, a private room, where the fiery kisses could be private, you pushed me on the bed and held me down, I kissed you with a giggle, once you hand flew under my shirt, I grasped your hands and said clearly, and audibly

“No.” It wasn't playful, it wasn't with a giggle, I sobered up as I said no, I even tried sitting up to end it right there.

“Oh come on” You pushed, a smirk as you sloppily kissed me again, you accidently kissed my chin, which was gross. David ripped off my shirt with no precision what so ever. I started to try and wiggle away from his grip, it wasn't good enough. In three seconds David, you turned into a brute. I let out a muffled scream; you covered my mouth once you had hastily started taken off my pants. In that moment, where David took control, that very second, I went off the rails mentally, I lost a part of myself, all of my innocence.

David, after you violently raped me, you left me in a crumbled, sobbing heap on the floor, my tears ruined the make-up I spent hours on, although it didn't mean anything now. I walked home in the pitch black that night, my heels in my hand, my underwear in a twist, my bra twisted and ruined. As I had opened the door silently when I got home, my cat greeted me, I ignored her and forced myself into the shower, then bed though I never really slept ever again.

You will never understand how much I hate you David, never, you sent me in a downward spiral that ultimately resulted in my death. The torture I go through every day, believing that it is my fault. Every single day when you come over with Alyssa, giving her kisses, saying you love her, but you and I pretend that we just grew apart, I hope you remember what you did for forever, because I will...

I remember the first time I kissed you David, under the cherry blossom tree at the park. It was the around the same time I admitted my rather large crush on you, and then I kissed you. It was a very nice kiss I like to think; you smiled in the middle of it David, like you had wanted it for years, just like I had. You see David, you asked me on that date, so I took the chance to admit my feelings and kiss you, get the feeling off my chest and onto yours. I wore my blue dress; the one I will probably be buried in, you always said I looked cute in that dress, so I wore it. My light auburn hair like yours daddy was lightly curled, and I wore no make-up, I didn't think I needed it.

I stood at the front gate of the park with one arm crossed over my chest, and it rested on my elbow, I bit my lip alot that day, the next day I had a sore on the inside of my mouth. The light summer breeze blew my hair into my face and blew my dress, so it made the sound of a flag in the wind, the wind threatened to blow my thin body away. Then I felt someone take my hand that still hung by my side, I looked over and saw you David, you had a grin as your black hair stuck up like it normally did, your crystal white smile uttered the words,

“Hello my hipster” you said and your brilliant smile grew “You look utterly gorgeous today, just like everyday” I watched you wink and smirk. David, you are such a flirt, you are great at it, because I blushed wildly.

“You are such a flirt” I said and giggled, you looked down at our hands and smiled more, it was May 15^th, of my freshman year in high school, you were still in your Junior year, but you looked like you could be 20, I looked older than I was also.

“I’m very proud of it” I laughed when you said that, you started to walk through the park, with my attached to your hand, girls looked at you seductively, and at me with envy. I loved that. David, you walked us to the emptier part of the park, the park with all the trees, the cherry blossoms, my favorite trees, how many paintings of them did I have? Too many.

“So why did you ask the weird girl on a date?” I asked you, your eyes grew wide.

“You aren't weird!” you stated instantly “You are just... Arty, I mean�"”

“What in the hell is arty?” I interrupted giggling.

“I don’t even know.” You replied and sat down on the grass, I followed suit. We both laughed, and I looked up at the sky.

“It’s beautiful” I said softly, making pictures in the clouds like I normally did, I found a cat in the clouds. You later told me David that you found a rabbit hold to another world.

“You are too” You said, I rolled my eyes.

“Shush... You liar.” I said and closed my eyes.

“I don’t lie!” Oh David, it was all a lie, all of it.

“Suuuureeee.”

“Seriously! Ask me anything, I will give you my honest answer!”

“Is it OK if I kiss you?” I blurted out.

“Absolutely fine.” You replied like you had hours to think about it. So I leaned in a closed my eyes, you did the same, both our heads tilted the right way, and eventually our lips were against the others. I smiled in the middle of the kiss, and we kissed a few times before we completely pulled away. My blush grew more and I stared at the grass, then you.

“That was alright” I said softly as a joke.

“Meh, I have had better” You said matching my tone, I giggled. We sat in silence for a while, then I looked over at you.

“Why me?” I asked

“What do you mean?”

“Why me? Why do you like me? Why not Alyssa or some other girl who is really pretty?” You kissed me quickly.

“For starters, other girls are annoying, Alyssa is not my type, and you are very pretty” You retorted, my heart skipped a beat.

“Liar.”

“We have established I am not a liar.” I stuck out my tongue at you, you chuckled.

“Uh-huh.”

David, that was the start of a beautiful relationship, one that lasted almost 4 months, but what you did, ended it. Maybe if you hadn't made your mistake, we would have never broken up, and you wouldn't have raped me. Then this letter wouldn't be here, in my parent’s hands, or yours, maybe Alyssa’s.

July 2^nd

I woke up the morning, tears straining my face, and my mind a grey blur. I hugged my knees to my chest and just stayed there, for about 20 minutes. I sat there trying to figure out if it was a bad dream or not. It was cold hard reality smacking me in the face, I did get raped. But who could I tell that would keep it quiet? No one came to mind immediately. I couldn't tell Alyssa, she would tell you and dad, and then it would explode, everyone would know. I couldn't afford to have that happen. After an inner battle in my mind I forced myself in the shower again and tried to wash away the dirty feeling that seeped into my skin, I never did get rid of that feeling. I shaved my legs and underarms, washed my hair a few times, then broke down and cried in the shower. I hated everyone, i hated the girl who threw the party, I hated Jamie who distracted me in health when we were supposed to learn about what to do after being raped, I hated you and dad, I hated David, but I mainly hated myself for being so stupid.

After getting out of the shower, washing away last night the best I could, I took the outfit I wore and took it downstairs to the fireplace; I burned the outfit because I didn't want to see it ever again. I felt utterly broken. But as the day wore on I became more exhausted so I went back to my room and closed the door lightly, I collapsed into bed and actually fell asleep again, only to have vicious nightmares. You came and woke me up Mommy, you had just gotten home and heard my screams and sobs. Thank you for waking me up mommy, from my only real sleep I would have in months.

“Autumn? Are you ok? What’s wrong?” You asked, your hair fell in your face as you put a hand on my cheek, looking at me, trying to find what happened in my dreams.

“I’m fine,” I said quickly and quietly, I wiped away my tears. “Just a bad dream,” You looked at me and kissed my head softly, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“I know you are lying honey, tell me when you want to talk about it” You said and watched me for another moment, you left right after.

I had opened my mouth to tell you, but then you closed the door.

You just walked in my room dad, you asked about I was writing about, I replied a veldt. I have always wanted to go to a warm and empty veldt, they just seemed so peaceful�"and perfect, my only company would be lions, they wouldn't gossip or spread lies about me. I would live in a hut with thatched floors, and my favorite thing would be a crystalline chandelier.

“Why do you seem so paranoid?” I seem paranoid because I am dad, I am paranoid that you will read this letter, then everyone will know what David did, what everyone else did, then Alyssa would be heartbroken, I don’t want to ruin their love.

“Paranoid? Dad I am fine” I lied to you face a flashed a fake smile, as I always do, they came so naturally now. Dad, you nodded and left in a huff before you told me you loved me, you haven’t said it in months, since before I was raped, you always make sure to remind Alyssa, she was surpassingly better than me, I don’t blame you dad...

I love you daddy.

July 13^th

It had been 12 days since I was raped, I remember that I stopped eating, you and mom didn't notice, I was never much of an eater anyways. I had made 3 cuts on my arm, nothing bizarre, I was involved in sports frequently, I was cut up, but I wish you had noticed how many more appeared in the following months. I have July 13^th here because something significant happen, and you and mom knew it happened, and you believed me when I said I was OK .. This day was when I started thinking that killing myself would be easier. Alyssa came home, happy as ever, all smiles, she had her favorite outfit on, and her make-up was perfect, just like mine had been... Alyssa spoke of the boy she had just been on another date with, they had gone on 5 dates over the past 12 days, she had probably said his name a hundred thousand times, I deliberately didn't listen; I didn't care for boys at all, maybe never again, but for some reason today I heard her say his name, mid sentence.

“..-but then he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes, David is so sweet, I just think he is so adorable and cute and..” I stood up, my stance looked dangerous, the look on my face probably worse, I took 3 strides to her, I wanted to scream it right there ‘DAVID RAPED ME.’ I could imagine myself screaming it as loud as possible; I could see myself telling her that she could have a much more cultivated man. But I didn't, instead I did worse.

“David?” I asked with venom coating my words “David Leon?”

“Yeah Autumn, your issue?” she asked not rudely, but confused “It is good, not a misfortune.”

“I can’t believe how stupid you are! Do you know what he did to me? He is a savage!” I shrilled then covered my mouth; I then just looked away then ran from my stance then went to my room, closing the door, loudly. I planned on never leaving the room, I was going to stay there forever with my paintings and drawings, my books that would keep me alive mentally�"That idea didn't last long because mom came in, you followed as mom conducted you in.

“Autumn, Are you alright?” You asked mom, your blonde hair falling a little bit past your shoulders, the slowly forming wrinkles on your face followed with the worried shape of your face “Did something happen with you and David?” You asked.

“I’m ok, I’m fine, he just called me a w***e, that’s all I just don’t want him hurting Alyssa like that. I’ll apologize to her later.” After more convincing you two left, and I was left alone. I took a picture of me and David and threw it at my wall, watching with satisfaction as the glass frame smashed, and was forever marred. I later took my lighter and burned the picture...

Alyssa, You need to always know, I in no way hate you AT ALL for dating David, I never wanted to date him, I never told you I liked him; because I didn't. You will always be a great sister and mom one day. I’m sorry I yelled at you, and called you stupid; I never did apologize for that. It’s a little too late now.

I just looked out my window, Alyssa and David are walking through the leaves of my season, they just jumped in a pile, Alyssa is so happy. I wonder how she will feel when she find out about the monstrous boy she loves, finds out about the dark secret we share, the connection we will always have. I wonder if you guys had sex, I wonder if he said he was a virgin, because I know his first was a rape. My rape. Did he pressure you? Was your first time happy? Do you regret it? Were you poised while waiting for him to get undressed? Did something intercept it? So many questions, I will never be alive to hear the answer to.

There is one last leaf on the tree, it is the only one that has not become my season, it is the odd leaf, I desire that I will never see this leaf fall, that when I die it will still be there, the one green leaf that didn't give into the pressures of being my season.

July 30^th

I had 13 more cuts around this time, I always had nightmares, I would lock myself in my room and cried when David came knocking on our household door, I accidently answered it once, I hadn't opened the door or answered the phone since then, I had been utter terrified of the peril that came to pick up my sister. I was completely placid now. My silence grew increasingly more, I hardly uttered good morning now when I came downstairs. I remember thinking that the guilt that ate me up on the inside was my fault, the secret I would never speak.

On July 30^th, no one was home not even you Mom, who was always there, you were busy that day. So I, Autumn, the girl who wanted her season to hurry up sat around in some sweatpants and painted my walls, I had taken my flame orange colored room, and right behind my door that was always closed I had painted a silhouette of a tree in black with no leaves, except for maybe two, but then I painted leaves flying in the wind all around my room, my room had become my season, but then, there was a knock on the door, that day I thought I should answer it, I remember getting up and walking down there. I opened the door, to David.

“Alyssa Isn't here!” I said terrified and backed away from the door trying to close it.

“Good. We need to talk” You replied, David, the boy I once called my best friend, stared down on my and forced himself inside the house, closing the door and locking it behind him, he looked dangerous.

“No we don’t!” I said and walked away into the kitchen “You raped me. That’s it. Good job, get out or I will call the police,” I mumbled, I was crying now, I didn't want him here.

“I didn't rape you” You said. You denied it.

“You are denying the most vivid memory I have EVER had? I remember it. You took me to a bedroom and raped me. I don’t care one bit for your apology, just GET OUT.” I said a little bit louder, you grabbed my arm with the cuts and held it tightly, threatening to break me more than you already had. “Let me go!” I cried out with a yell, your grip tightened.

“I didn't. You hear me? You move on and get over it; it wasn't even a big deal! Not like anyone will believe you” You yelled back, not kindly. I threw myself out of your grip, and grabbed a knife from the block in the kitchen, I held it in front of me as I cried.

“Get out David! Alyssa will call you!” I sobbed then pointed it at him more “You DID rape me. Remember that!” In one swift movement you moved and ripped the knife from my hand, I fell to my knees while crying “I HATE YOU David, I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A BUS!” You slapped me and left, I went to my room and locked the door, I sobbed while finishing the tree, I added a girl on a swing with her facing the wall... and I made 2 more cuts.

That day David, you made my fears worse, the nightmares stopped because I could no longer sleep at all.

Thanks, I hated the nightmares...

Dad, you just called me down for dinner I went and ate like we were a nice normal family, no issues, no brute rapist sitting across from me. We had chicken and salad, I passed on the potatoes, I had extra salad.

“How’s school Autumn?” someone asked, I looked up. It had been David, he graduated last year, Alyssa would graduate this year, 2 more years for me.

“Like you care” I had muttered under my breath then just ignored your question.

“Autumn? David asked you a question.” Mom said, lightly tapping me as I stared at my food.

“I know” I said and cut a piece of my chicken, which scraped across the porcelain plates, making a loud and uncomfortable noise. “I just chose to ignore it”

“Well don’t” You snapped Alyssa, you were getting fed up with my harshness to my once best friend, I could tell. “All he ever is happens to be nice to you and you are just a rude brat back to him.” She said throwing her napkin onto her empty plate.

“School is great. I mean why wouldn't it be? I’m failing math already and can’t focus at all, in health we are talking about rape. Sounds fun huh David?” I said and also threw my napkin on my plate; I pushed my chair in loudly, and then stormed upstairs. Mom, you just watched, Dad, I saw that eye roll.

August 1^st

I remember on August first, I realized I had 33 days until school went back, sounded fun. I remember actually being excited about going back; I could get out of this house. Finally. I was feeling proud of myself; I had only cut once in the 2 days that has past, I expected to be more after what happened with David. I decided to go on Facebook for the first time a week or two. The first thing I saw was a post on my wall, photos I was tagged in, the pictures from the party finally got uploaded.1 month later, exactly. Here were pictures of a quiet and reserved girl, drunk and dancing, sitting with the people doing drugs, but this girl never touched them. In some of the photos, this girl’s shirt was falling down in one. Then, in another photo, it is a girl being pulled into a bedroom, you can’t see by who, but she see she is about to have sex, I hate how stupid the girl in that photo was.

Dad, you found the pictures, and came upstairs right when you did, I was adding more leaves on my wall, I had a paintbrush in my mouth, and a smile on my face for the first time in a while, painting calmed my soul.

“I saw the photos Autumn” You said casually, sitting on the edge of my bed, I looked at you as i finished my leaf then set down the paintbrush.

“What photos?” I asked innocently, hoping it would work.

“Damn it Autumn.” You growled menacingly, “The ones of you at a party your mother and I never knew you went to” I looked at you and blinked a few times.

“Oh right. The only party I have ever been too” I pointed out quietly, it was the last thing I wanted to be thinking about right now.

“You snuck out once at least, how do I know it isn't more?” You questioned getting up, crossing your arms as you looked at the painting on my walls “Did your mother say you could do this?”

“She hasn't seen it. I only snuck out once, I’m only in pictures from one party, there is your proof.” I added, and bit my lip, “I won’t do it again, I don’t even want to, it was horrible” I had mumbled looking at my feet as tears threatened to fall down my face.

“Well I might paint over your picture as punishment, since you don’t really go out.” You said jokingly, and sat down on the edge of my bed again “What happened with you and David? You two completely just cut off the friendship abruptly, did something happen at the party?”

‘Well for starters he raped me, and came over here, he hit me and threatened me, denied he raped me’ I thought about saying it, but I would never have the guts to do. Dad you looked at me waiting for an answer “No.” I replied coldly “Can you leave? I’m trying to paint.” I said closing the door to talking, I didn't want to, I was done with people.

“You really are a brat.” You mumbled quietly as you left, I heard that dad.

I still love you daddy, even after the few fights we had, I’m not mad. I love you daddy. Please say it back before I do it. Kill myself, that is. The more I write, the more I want to do it. Help me...

I remember, when I first met David... I had been in 6^th grade, at the first school dance of the year, David was in the 8^th grade and at the dance also, I had seen him in the hall a few times but never seen him, or known his name. I remember Alyssa had left me with my friends so she could dance with hers. I was having the time of my life, me and my friends that I used to have danced around to the top 40’s, alot of the songs I didn't know the words too because I was into piano music, and boys who wore toques and hipster glasses, while singing about anything and everything..

My friends were giggling about the 8^th grader staring at me with admiration, I giggles also and gave him a tiny wave, I didn't think you were that cute David, I still don’t actually. I stood with my friends dancing for a while longer, until I felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned and saw you David,

“Want to dance?” you asked with shyness about you. All my friends giggled with envy filling their faces as they answered for me and pushed me off to dance with my future rapist. I danced with the devil, his flames were just hidden for now.

“Now be honest” I said “Why do you want to dance, none of the ‘Because you are cute!’ stuff. Honestly” I had questioned you, I think I tried mocking a teenage boys voice while saying the cute thing. I don’t remember it all that well.

“My friends told me I had to ask a sixth grader to dance, you seemed nice so I asked you” You replied as your hands were awkwardly on my hips, I stood on my tip toes to have my hands on your shoulders, you moved me back and forth opposite to the beat.

“Why do they want you to dance with someone two years younger?” I asked raising an eyebrow, trying to be cool because I wanted you to be my best friend, I don’t know why to this day

“They think I only have a chance with a sixth grader” You replied solemnly, I giggled.

“Well, how about we become best friends?” I asked, “So they can’t bug you with me anymore?”

“Sounds good.” You chuckled; we were inseparable from that moment on.

August 5^th

I utterly snapped that day, cold hard reality hit me. I had been raped, my sister was dating my rapist, and I was slowly shutting myself off from the outside world more and more. I spent my whole day crying and cutting, putting quotes on my wall in my room; it was coming along well, so I thought. I had painted my last leaf on one wall, and I had added a fairy silhouette, then I stopped stared at my wall and started sobbing all together, I took something and threw it at my wall, I threw my phone somewhere and watched it break, I ripped pictures off my wall, I tore up old journals, I destroyed my dream books.. I will never remember my happy dreams I used to have. I screamed and smashed my mirror, I had finally let it get to me, reality hit me hard and threatened to haunt me for forever, I wasn't OK, not at all. I never would be again. Sorry I made such a mess mom...

I snuck out that night, after we fought at dinner, I left. We fought about the mess I made in my room, You brought up the best line I have ever heard mom “I think you have depression” I laughed in your face,

“I like how you are just noticing!” I remembered yelling, I stabbed my knife into the table and left, Alyssa and David stared in absolute shock. I was done with them. Mom, all you did was tell me I better come back with a new attitude, I don’t blame you. I am just a selfish brat. I went to the closest party I could find, and as I walked in the door, people greeted me. ‘Hey Autuuhmnn...’ they would slur as they looked me up and down, I said nothing as I stared at my feet. I wanted to drink and that was all.

“Where are the drinks?” I asked loudly, and people took me to a drink filled table, I drank as much as I could handle, shot after shot. I needed to numb the pain.

“Hey baby girl” Someone said, I didn't know them, I stared at them with a raised eyebrow.

“What do you want?” I asked harshly, getting ready to hit him.

“There is an empty hot tub outside...Care to join me?” whoever you were, you were more intoxicated than I was, but I was drunk enough to say,

“Sure.” I stripped into my bra and underwear, and got into the hot tub with a boy I hardly knew, I kissed him sloppily, and we made out. Eventually, I shoved away from with loud whimper “I can’t do this.” I got out and threw on all my clothes, on thing at a time, he glared at me and replied

“Tease.” I rolled my eyes and walked home, I stared up at the beautiful starry night above me. The nights were warm now, so I took off my hoodie and walked with a stumble, I giggled when the cops flashed their sirens and made me stop walking.

“Miss? How old are you?” A chubby police officer with a slowly growing beard asked.

“15” I giggled and hiccuped.

“Let me give you a ride home, it’s not safe for you out here” The police officer asked and opened the door to the front seat. I got in the car, not with a second thought.

“Where do you live?” He asked nonchalantly, I gave him the address, and he started driving, and while he drove, his hand rested on my thigh, and slowly made its way up. I let out a cry,

“STOP!” I yelled at him “I’ll walk!” The police officer gave me a dirty look as he stopped the car and I got out, still drunkly walking “Sexual assault is a crime” I stated stupidly and started walking home.

I got home at 3am, and was greeted by a hangover when I woke up...

Mommy, I know you think me and my friends hang out all the time at school, but we don’t, I don’t really have friends. They didn't one day decide they wanted to not be around me, I drove them away. I drove them away with my outbursts of anger, then crying. I drove them away by not being the same girl I used to be. I drove them away with lies. I pushed them away like they were the big bad wolves and I was red riding hood who was terrified to try to see that the wolf just wanted to help. I was happy not having friends, they didn't need me, I was holding them back from having social lives.

I looked out my window again Alyssa, you and David are lying in leaves now, you happily in his arms, it’s getting dark and David will probably stay the night once more, I stay up all through the night, listening, making sure he doesn't dare to hurt my big sister, David hasnt tried anything yet, and he better not when I am gone.

August 9^th

I felt sick again, I had been feeling sick everyday that week, and the weeks before, I kept throwing up and was just not feeling right, but August 9^th was important because I was due for my period, I was late mommy. I didn't tell you though, or Dad, or Alyssa, or anyone. Instead, I went and bought a pregnancy test at a gas station, and took it in the bathroom at the same gas station. I was pregnant, with a rape baby. I smashed the gas station mirror I think, I’m not too sure, it is a pretty blurry memory. As I left the gas station, the cashier told me to have a nice day.

“Not likely” I mumbled and walked home, shaking from fear. I wouldn't tell you or dad, I really didn't plan on it, I would go to Planned Parenthood, and talk about adoption--- Or abortion. Could I do that? Did I have the heart to kill the baby starting to thrive inside of me? I needed to think about that. I was terrified mommy; I wish I had asked for your help... I regret my choices now. I walked home, passing the thriving summer trees that were beautiful as the sun hit them, I walked through the beautiful neighborhoods I had grown up around. I smiled at children who ran through the sprinklers; they don’t worry about anything except their toys getting wet. I missed that feeling. I walked in the door a few hours later, and looked at my feet when I saw you Alyssa.

“What’s up baby sis?” you asked your blonde hair like mom’s was curly from yesterdays party you had gone too.

“Nothing” I replied placidly, then away at wall, you are beautiful Alyssa, I wish I looked like you.

“There has got to be something” you said and threw an orange at me to catch and eat, it hit my head, and then the floor, we both laughed.

“Well I do have blunt head force trauma” I joked, feeling a little happy buzz right now, I kind of liked it. “What are you up too?” I asked feeling the grey depression suffocate me once more.

“Just about to head off to David’s” You said with a giggle and wink, I rolled my eyes and threw the orange back; you looked at me confused “Who pissed in your cheerios today?”

“Screw off” I mumbled and went upstairs slamming my door loudly and locking it. When everyone had gone to bed that night after I skipped dinner again I called Planned Parenthood, who always had someone manning the phone.

“Hello, this is Planned Parenthood, how may I help you?” A receptionist asked with a tired tone of voice.

“I need an appointment.” I said softly, and quickly.

“For an adoption meeting?” She asked, clearly interested.

“Abortion.” I whispered and choked back the tears; I had to kill it before I got attached.

“Honey, I need to know you name and age all that stuff.” She said sadly, how many times had she answered to abortion calls?

“Autumn Jacobs, 15 years old, care card number 5513 4567 9890 5768.” I stated calm and collected.

“Do your parents know?” She asked with shock in her voice, probably because of the age.

“No. I want to keep it like that” I said harshly.

“Your choice honey, you have an appointment, with Dr. Sunnyvale on August 13^th” she said then hung up. I hung up the phone too, and considered waking you up to tell you mommy, not you daddy, but Mommy would have come, right? I hope so because I don’t know.

I won’t tell you what happened on August 13^th, I break into tears at the thought of it, and the pages are stained enough with my tears, they might lose the ink they get anymore. But I did do it, I killed a baby.

I still hate myself for it. I also still have the first and only pregnancy test, buried in a shoe box in my room, please throw it away mommy, I didn't have the guts too. I’ll see my baby in heaven and tell him I’m sorry. I like to think it was a beautiful baby boy, that would have my brown hair, and would grow up to do something amazing in the world, and one day he would have a little sister to protect and play with, but I can’t have kids now that I am dead can I? I would have named the baby Micheal, because that name always reminded me of someone successful, Micheal Boi Jacobs. Boi always reminded me of the spring, which would be his season; he would own the time when the flowers started to bloom and the rain slowly faded away, he would be the sign of new life, where as I was the sign of dying life.

David you know why we broke up, only us, because we kept our little romance a secret. You need to remember, it was 100% your fault, I had nothing to do with what happened, I was willing to try again after your little mistake, but you dumped me, I was relieved when we stayed friends, but then you raped me. Game over. But yes, whomever is reading this, Mommy and Dad, me and David dated for 4 months, and I never told you guys, because I knew you wouldn't like me dating someone 2 years older than me, even though he was a perfectly fine best friend. So you must be wondering�" what did David do?

It was September 26^th, the day we broke up, it was date night, and you had made reservations at our favorite restaurant. I wore my favorite blue dress again, I will forever love it. But the car ride there was when it happened, the stupid fight that ended it.

“Autumn?” You asked curiosity in your voice.

“Yeah?” I replied looking over at you, taking your hand as you drove.

“I want to break up” My heart broke, tears threatened to spill but I bit them back.

“W-why?” I asked shocked, taking my hand away.

“I have been seeing someone else”

“You didn't have the decency to dump me first?” I asked .

“I’m doing that now.”

“Stop the car!” I exclaimed, as I started crying. “Who is she?”

“Not your business.” You said “I just don’t think that we are working, but I am about to say the cheesiest line ever, lets still be friends, OK?”

“No! I want nothing to do with you anymore David! Did you ever even like me?” I asked.

“Do you want the truth? It is brutal.”

“Give it to me,”

“That first time we danced when you were in 6^th grade, it was a part of a huge bet, huge. I had to get you dance, get you to fall in love with me and be my girlfriend for at least 4 months, by the time you were in 10^th grade. I did it, I am so sorry, you just...I honestly love you like a sister, but not as a girlfriend.” David, can you believe what you said? I can’t either. I got out of your car and slammed your car door, not before giving you the finger of course. I started walking home, in the dark night. I felt horrible.

We didn't talk for a whole month David, after I calmed down and you said you were sorry a thousand times, I forgave you and saw how hard it was for you too. We became best friends again, like the kisses never happened, I tried to forget the 127 times you told me you loved me. I still loved you, up until the night at the party. Then you crushed me, all over again.

I looked out my window again Alyssa, you and David are lying in leaves now, you happily in his arms, it’s getting dark and David will probably stay the night once more, I stay up all through the night, listening, making sure he doesn't dare to hurt my big sister, David hasn't tried anything yet, and he better not when I am gone.

The letter is almost done Mom and dad, to be honest, not alot more happened after I killed my baby, I went to more parties, drank away my pain, which was not the best thing to do, I lost 19 pounds because I stopped eating. I locked myself away in my room and wrote stories of sins and lies, I watched the summer turn to the fall. My season. I slowly started to despise myself more and more, the cuts got deeper and came in groups, in both arms now, some on my hips that the people will wash and dress my body will see, then they do my hair and lay me in the coffin, open it up for the living to look at, their mouths gaping open, because a girl killed herself. They someone will put me in the ground, where I will rot. I guess it is time to say goodbye.

Alyssa,

I love you big sistah. You are the best one ever, and as I said you will be a great mom one day, you would have been a great aunt if I wasn't so stupid. If you and David stay together after this, I won’t be mad, but if he hurts you and you stay then I will be pissed. I hope you graduate with honors, I hope you get into UBC like you wanted. I will watch over you and your nephew. I love you. Thank you for all the amazing years and memories, sorry I called you stupid. I hope you get married, and have the beautiful babies you always wanted. I want you and David to stay together, don’t hate him for the mistake he made, even though it ultimately ended in my death.

Dad,

I love you daddy, even after our fights, I will always love you, I mean who wouldn't like the world’s best daddy? Thanks for getting me all the things I asked for, even when I didn't need them. Thanks for all the piggyback rides and burnt dinners. I will always miss our awkward talks about boys, and thongs, make sure you and Mommy are strong, don’t press charges on David or anything unless him and Alyssa break up, or he hurts her. I love you daddy for forever, I named my son after you.

Mom,

I still wish I was as beautiful as you and Alyssa. Thank you for giving me life 15 years ago, sorry I am taking it away, I am just so sad and lost now that I just need to go. You, dad and Alyssa will learn to live without me, it might be hard but you guys will learn. Please bury me in my blue dress; it was always my favorite, and my paints, and paintbrushes. Thanks for everything mom, I love you.

David,

Words will never describe my hatred for you, never. Everything you put me through, though alot of it wasn't directly you, all lead back to the fiery kisses that burned me and left the scars, where they left you scarred. Don’t ever touch my sister in anything soft of anger or bad way, I will be watching you. The more I write about you, the less I hate you. I actually think about the good things more now. The time you gave a piggy back home in the rain, the time we went to the mall and I made you try on a dress. The time I told you I loved you. I liked you from the second that you asked me to dance at the school dance. I realized I loved you when I was in the 9^th grade and I kissed you under the cherry blossom tree, your lips had been so soft David, but you ruined it the night you took over. Why do you keep confusing me on my feelings? Those good memories do not make up for what you did, but it does make me realize this�" I forgive you David. Take care of Alyssa.

This is it, the end. I have the pills and a razor sitting next to me, I will cut one last time, then take the pills and fall into a slumber I will never awake. I will see you in heaven baby boy; I will see you there in a few hours time Gram and Gramps. I will see Jimmy Smith, the boy who died of leukemia in 7^th grade, I will see the baby you lost momma, I will meet my other big sister. I will meet all the people who have done good in this world, I will see and find the happiness I so desperately want. In a few short moments, I go tell all of you I love you, happily, then I go die.

Goodbye everyone, Carpe diem.

Autumn Jacobs.

Dear Autumn,

Your letter, which you wrote was mainly aimed at me, so I am writing you back. I got out of jail 1 year ago today; I was arrested 2 days after you killed yourself. It’s been 8 years already; it is actually your 23^rd birthday today, this is probably why I am writing to you. I and Alyssa got married last year, and we already have a daughter, we named her Carpe Diem Autumn Leon, because it was your favorite saying. I would have written sooner, but Alyssa just gave me your letter, she held onto it for years, trying to read in between the lines, trying to find the details. Alyssa and I cry together. Alyssa hates what I did, but only forgave me because the things you wrote, about how you wanted us to be together. I am so sorry I hurt you, I have changed. I will take care of Alyssa. I am sitting on the bench by your grave right now; I brought you Cherry Blossoms, and a picture of your niece. I’m so sorry my hipster in heaven; I will leave this letter behind for you. I am so so sorry.

Carpe Diem,

David.

Author's Note

This was for an English Project, please point out any spelling mistakes! The image is how I pictured Autumn.

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KurKota

This is perhaps one of the most difficult readings I have done here. Not because it is badly done, just the opposite...it is a stunning ! Not only the subject matter but also the format in which you have done it. This has so much realistic atmosphere to it, that it is hard to think it is fiction. It could only be written by someone that actually experienced this sequence of events and emotions. You have done a splendid job. Sorry, I was so engrossed in the story that I don't think I even noticed any spelling issues .