Deception

A past world once lived, now nothing but a mere echo lost in shredded memories of a peaceful life.

The sun was high in its prime as it dangled from the ocean blue sky, illuminating smooth rays of light over the shoreline. With the palm trees swaying to the howling winds of the west, the leaves bustled and twirled as the cool air curled underneath their vile green surfaces. As the leaves rattled like a snake’s tail, their sentiments punctuated the calm, clear air. That glided across the beach and down over the frisky waters. A grand day it was with the sun beginning to descend over the mass sea of wavy waters. That sprayed puffs of white foam against the winds, diving over onto another oncoming wave. As the whisking sea masked the underworld below, the day grew bleak and cool. With a chilling coat that tangled around the beach sands and palm trees.

A young woman sat on the beach sands, staring out into the misty bloom of the ocean. As her tether brown bangs brushed against her icy cheeks of rosy red, peppered with freckles, she curled up into a warm ball. Holding her knees close to her chest as her bare feat dug underneath the cold sand, with her legs arousing a rupturing chill that coiled throughout her body. She began to feel cold as she wore her blue short shorts over her legs, along with a cherry red T-Shirt.

Watching the sun go down with her diamond blue eyes, with its radiating pink and purple glimmer, the bright light slowly sank deeper and deeper under the brisk waters. Shining a faint pinkish orange color through the frail gray clouds, she glared at the gliding clouds that sailed across the sky. Smiling as the night had fully synchronized, the sky had turned dark bluish black, and stars began to appear. She lay back over the cold sand and took a few quiet moments to gaze at them. In their small clumps of light that span far and wide across the night sky, her eyes squandered about. The Luna moon came from the ocean as the sun had veered away, now the night was of eternal beauty. Her favorite color had become her new environment. She chuckled as she remembered the time her and her family came out to this beach and played water monster. The best times of her childhood were here, but they would not be her last.

A voice came afar from the silence, over the wind and waves. “Simulation sequence zero-zero-eight finished, structural setting rebooting. Orbital stasis pod deactivating.”

She slowly turned her head as she felt the grains of sand rolling over her fingertips. Feeling a small tear slipping from her eyes, trickling down her cheeks, she watched the shoreline of the beach dematerialize. With the isometric coloring and textures squaring away into snow white tiles, the tiles fluttered away into the air like flapping birds. All around her, she had seen the beach vanishing before her. Still laying on her back she closed her eyes as she tried to preserve this one moment she could actually feel at home. The one time she could feel at peace with herself and safe from what she had feared.

Awaking from her stasis pod her vision blurred. As the top lid of the capsule was lifted, they took out the needle that was in her left and right arms. And she had awoken in the real world, where nothing was beautiful anymore. But the simulation stasis pods gave them at least something to remember about, since earth had been attacked.

Author's Note

This is a crazy interesting story I think, I made it a while back. But it still stands as one of my favorites:) I hope you enjoy it. GOD bless:)

Reviews

[OctaBrain]

My main issue with this, is that it's not really a story of anykind is it? and the ending doesn't really mean anything. you could cut the ending off and it would be the same story. The ending is a narative equivalent to a "not" joke. So for me, the story boils down to, "a girl on a beautiful beach, NOT".

My suggestion would be to extend the ending for just one paragraph. it'd be cool to find out that she's in some bland and metalic security housing. and don't tell us that nothing is beautiful anymore, describe them to the reader and let them feel the contrast.

[Octavian]

Thank you for your review, ill make the changes:)

[E.Potter]

I love your description of the setting, it sounds gorgeous. Interesting twist at the end too, although some small sign of it early in could have helped it flow slightly better.
You have a bit of an issue with sentence fragments as well. They're acceptable occasionally when used effectively, but in this they just gave the story a disjointed feel that market impaired the flow.
Still, good plot and interesting short read!

[Octavian]

thank you for your insight and dissection of my story:) when I get a chance ill make adjustments. thanks you very much once more!!! GOD BLESS;)

[WhereItResides]

Your use of imagery is wonderful. I'm glad I don't have to tell you to use similes and metaphors. You use them and you use them well. As stated the imagery was wonderful, though it did stutter when describing the women's clothes. It just seemed like you got sloppy and it wouldn't be so noticeable if everything else wasn't so good. Also, and allow me emphasized, name, name, name, name. Do not use characters without names. Why should I care about her? She isn't even good enough for a name. It is never okay to give us a blank character. The end was a good twist and was done well, though I recommend hinting at in the beginning. Don't give it away, but hint at something, it really adds to and ending. Overall, great story and I enjoyed the time it took to read.

[Octavian]

thanks, and the only reason i didn't give a name was because i want people to feel like she isn't important. She is just a simple women with a simple life that got taken away from her. For at least this peace of work i wanted the focus to be on the change around her. If i continued to write, i would give her name. but thanks and god bless:)

[Tarella]

Wow,I haven't read such a use of imagery since william golding's "Lord of the Flies." And just when we think she's enjoying a beautiful scenery in tranquility,you twist and turn all that into a mirage. A few minutes escape,a window,a re-enactment of a past memory...I woke up like 30 minutes ago and this is a lovely start...thank you and good job.

[Octavian]

thanks:) I need to get back into writing short stories sometime soon. I miss making things like this kind of work haha