A Letter 2

A fathers response - a follow up to A Letter. A father responds to his estranged daughter

A Letter 2

His hands shake as he scans the inbox again.  It’s there.  An email from his daughter.  There is no subject.  He had written to Jane’s mum a month or so ago, passed on his email address and asked if she could approach Emma.  He didn’t think she would do it.

He can’t help the smile.  His daughter has written to him!  He knows he shouldn’t get ahead of himself.  It’s been twenty years since he had contact with her.  He doesn’t know if she remembers the night he left.  He doesn’t know how much or how little seven years olds are aware of at that stage.  She must remember the tears at the very least.  There was a lot of crying.  He didn’t argue with Jane back then.  Perhaps if he had, things would have gone differently.  He wouldn’t have lived this reclusive life.  He would have two beautiful daughters, grandkids?  He has to read that email to know he surmises… Unless it’s just one big “f**k you a*****e” email.  His stomach flips and he swallows hard.  He has to read this. 

OPEN

…

X

She hates him.  He’s confused and hurt by some of the things she has said " has her seven year old brain twisted the facts?  He runs to the bathroom and throws up violently.  He needs to tell her the truth.  It won’t make her hate him any less, but he needs to tell her. 

He pours a brandy and opens her email again.  He reads it in detail and then hits REPLY.

Emma,
Please call me dad.  And please read this.  I know you hate me.  It’s pretty evident from your email.  I’m sorry.  Two little words that don’t mean a whole lot, I know, but there you are.  I’m sorry. 

I loved Lilly.  I would never hurt her.  When your mum and I had a row, I would sleep in Lils room because she had the double bed, and the dogs were on the sofa.

The thing is, I had woke your mum up once or twice over the years when I was asleep but aroused and touching her.   Nowadays it’s called sexsomnia " back then your mum and I just laughed it off as nothing.  It was only very rarely that it happened " like I said, twice or maybe three times with your mum, and she would always wake me up.  See the thing about it is, I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m asleep you see " I’m not some sort of pervert, I am completely asleep.

I never even thought about it when I slept in Lils room.  And then Lil never said anything so I figured nothing happened.  She never woke me up Em.  I didn’t know what I was doing!  She should have woke me. 

One night she asked me to sleep somewhere else " I said I’d go to your room and you could sleep in with Lil, but then she said no it was ok after all.  She was as rigid as board all night and wouldn’t speak to me.  The next day your mum threw me out.  I put two and two together after that.

I’m not excusing myself Em.  Not at all.  But surely you can see I am not to blame.   I was asleep!!

He is so angry at himself, and at her email that he has to get up and pour another brandy.  How can anyone claim he assaulted his daughter?  He has to finish this email then continue packing.  He will tell her he is coming back to his home town.  He wants to be with his mum and sister.  He has been given three months with intensive treatment.  He just wants to be with family.  He doesn’t want to die alone.

When your mum told me what Lil was saying, we both knew what had happened.  I was going to talk to her but mum told me to leave for the night.  That she would speak to Lil and you and would call me.  I went to Granny Dee’s and waited.

Mum called over the next day.  Told me what Lil was saying - said she had calmed her down and was going to talk to her again about sitting down with me and talking it through, maybe getting Dr Wilson to be there too.  Told me to call over on Wednesday night.  Then I got the call.  Lilly had killed herself.  No one knew what was going on " Granny Dee thought me and your mum were going through a rough patch.  Thought Lil killed herself because she thought her parents were getting divorced.  Your mum called me and made all these accusations, like you are.  She blamed me.  Told me to leave, Granny Dee heard.  She told me my cousin Tom was looking for help at his garage in Manchester and I should leave.  You think I ran away but I didn’t Em, I was told to leave.

I didn’t find out about your mum until Christmas when I came home to Granny Dee’s. 

I tried to see you but your Nan had taken you to Euro Disney for Christmas.  I left a present with your Granny Dee and Tom’s number.  No one ever called and so I guessed I was best to keep away.

I’m going to post a few letters " there’s maybe ten of them.  I wrote them over the years but never sent them.  I don’t know why I didn’t send them.  I don’t know why I didn’t fight for you Em.  I did not intentionally hurt Lil and I would never intentionally hurt you.  I thought me staying away was best for you.  Then Granny Dee told me you were getting into a bit of trouble when you were a teenager and I was going to come back but I got into a bit of trouble myself" a girl was underage and we were being intimate.  We didn’t sleep together or anything, it wasn’t like that, but you know…she wasn’t a kid, she was sixteen, told me she was eighteen.  I was in my early forties.  She admitted lying about her age in the end but I had to stay put for a few months until it got sorted.  Granny Dee said it was all sorted and it seemed easier to stay away.

I am coming home Em.  I won’t try and hunt you down " I’m not some sort of predator!  You’re my daughter and I love you.  I would love to see you now.  See what you look like.  Find out about your life.

I never remarried.  Never had any other kids.  When people ask, I tell them I’m a widower.  I don’t tell them I have kids.  Just that my wife and daughter died.  I’m sorry I deny you sweetie but I can’t explain why I’m not in your life and I don’t want the judgement so I don’t mention you.

Did you marry?  Do you have children?  Am I a grandpa?  Your Granny Dee and Aunt Linda never talk about you.  I know you don’t see them.  I don’t think that’s fair.  You can hate me for not disclosing my illness, for being careless with my night habits.  Buts that’s not Granny Dee’s fault.  You have a family Emma.  Just know that at least.

I love you my darling daughter.

Please understand.

Dad

x

Author's Note

A follow up to A Letter. I am considering making this into a longer story as opposed to two short stories covering the same topic from different sides.