Do
you ever have that moment where you just need to type something? It’s not for
someone or for a class, but you just need to type the weird stream of
consciousness you have. I do. That’s what’s happening right now. Just letting
my fingers type and my mind flow. It flows from my crush, to school, to the
Games Night coming up, to PSATs, to stress, to calm, to pain, to sorrow, to
insecurities, to confidences, to my crush again. It always flows back to him. I
don’t know why it does. Why is it that my crush connects my streams of
consciousness? Is it the way his bright eyes sparkle? Is it the calming effect
of his deep voice? Is it the warmth of his hugs? Is it the good advice he
gives? Is it his power to make me smile? Could it be my knowing he will never
think of me the way I think of him? How can another human make me feel this
way? He’s just human. He isn’t a perfect angel or a god. He’s just a boy. He’s
a boy that I like and care for a lot. Why must I feel this way? Why must his
voice narrate every thought and feeling that flows through my stream of
consciousness? Why can I feel his touch without him there? Is this some sort of
trick being played on my heart and mind? Why must my mind make a normal person
seem so glorified? Why must it drive me to madness? It makes me feel lonely,
unworthy, useless, and unwanted. It makes me question myself. Why am I the way
I am? Why do I look this way? Why do I act this way? What can stop the flowing
of my ever-flowing stream of consciousness? Let it dry up, never to run again.
Or let this pollution of a simple crush filter away. Leave me be, Love! All you do is turn my
beautiful stream of consciousness into a muddy creek! Out, Love! You are
unwanted! Unneeded! Useless! You drive me to madness, Love! Yet you let me feel
the warmth of his touch, see the sparkle of his eye, and hear his calming
voice… Why must something so sweet drive me to madness of this proportion? Is
it the same way my insecurities cause me to think of my confidences? My
strength, my confidence, my bravery, my cunning, my caring, all of them greet
me with a smile. Pride lifts me onto his shoulders. Joy showers me with happy
thoughts. Caring hugs me tight. But Fear is next in line. She pulls me close,
covering me in darkness. She leans in close and whispers, “You’ll never get
better.” “You’ll fail.” “Why do you look like that?” “You will never have
someone like him; you don’t deserve someone like him!” I crash to the ground.
This crush… It’s crushing me…