I

Ari tells Rayne about the carnival and persuades him to go. After further researching the Carnival he finds that this is its first and only year...and that the proprietors photo leaves him uneasy.

“The sexiest carnival around!” she said as she slammed the poster down in front of him on his work table.  Rayne took the poster in his hands and read the scratchy words printed across the image of a scantily clad busty beauty aloud.

“The Carnival Macabre:  Hollywood’s biggest, sexiest, and most terrifying carnival around.”  He put the poster back down.  “What is this exactly?”  Ari’s pale face was alight against her raven colored hair and her nose ring glistened in her right nostril as they flared in excitement.  Her pale lips curved into a devilish smile as she sat on his lap.

“This my lovely husband of mine” she said positioning herself against his moderately hairy, heavily tattooed torso. “This is a burlesque carnival that focuses on Sex, Death, and Fear!  Right down our twisted little alley.”  Rayne stared at her for a moment before looking back down to the poster.  His eyes caught glimpse of a line of dates printed at the bottom of the poster.

“October 29^th, 30^th, and 31^st.”  He whispered. 

“Yep!” Ari chirped excitedly.  “Can we go?”  She stared intently at him with her burning emerald eyes, tracing the lines of his tattoos and the outer edge of his pierced n*****s, using her seductive prowess to persuade.  “Please?”

“Honey, no.”  Rayne sighed heavily as he pushed her hand away lightly, “as much as I would like to go I have to hit the studio this weekend, I can’t keep putting it off.”  He made his living as the lead character and make up designer for a big movie company in Hollywood, with a specialty in horror design while Ari made her living as a photographer who ran her own business, which flourished after only a few short months of its launch.  The two were young and ambitious, and fell in love with one another and married at the young age of twenty-two; a year before Rayne landed his current job.  They were an odd couple; he was heavily tattooed with n****e piercings, a ring nestled against his left nostril and one hugging his plump bottom lip.  His ears were gauged large enough to fit a pipe through and his hair was shaven on all sides leaving a long patch that stretched from his forehead to his crown, pulled back into a ponytail.  The only piercing she had was in her right nostril, and the only tattoo a dragon on her hip; the result of a drunken night years ago.  Her straight silky hair was wrapped around her neck, draping over her shoulder. 

“C’mon!”  She huffed, lightly punching him in the chest.  “Leave work alone for a while and actually enjoy yourself.”  Her eyes pleaded with him but his jaw was set into a firm decisive state which screamed rejection, a state to which she took notice.  She placed a slender, pale hand on the side of his neck and leaned in to his ear, whispering something into it which made his eyebrows, and his heart rate, rise.  As she pulled away, her lips rolled into a smirk as Rayne slowly nodded.

“Okay fine.”  He offered her a small, crooked smile.  She stood up quickly with a squeal and danced triumphantly around the room before plopping back down on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck.  She leaned in slowly, her lips gently pressing against his as her tongue slipped beyond the boundaries of his lips, her hands grazing the light dusting of hair across his chest.  As she traveled down his chest, she reached the boundaries of his cargo shorts and slithered beyond them grasping him as they were consumed by passion.  Her hands retraced their path up to his face, scratching at his beard as she stood, beckoning him away.

His face was illuminated by the bright lights of his computer screen.  Ari repositioned herself on her side, moaning as she stretched, hugging her pillow closer to her; he turned to watch her, hoping he hadn’t disturbed her slumber.  The black sheets wrapped her elegant form with artistic censorship, covering her bare breasts but framing her pale, apple shaped buttocks in almost perfect structure.  When he was sure she was still fast asleep, he turned back to the computer and began furiously pecking away at the keyboard, searching the internet until he found what he was looking for.  The blurb beneath the blue link read:

“The Carnival Macabre makes its first and only appearance in Hollywood this Halloween season.  Described by its proprietor as the sexiest carnival around, those who come are sure not to be disappointed as the mysterious mas-” The blurb ended midsentence, but Rayne’s interest was piqued so that he clicked the link to read on.  “Described by its proprietor as ‘the sexiest carnival around, those who come are sure not to be disappointed’ as the mysterious mastermind behind the carnival chuckled from behind a Victorian plague doctor mask.  When asked to sum up the experience in just a few simple words, the masked man whispered ‘it’s to die for’.”  Below the article was a picture of a man in a black trench coat, leather cloves, a top hat, and a mask which looked like a fusion of a bird head and a gas mask.  As Rayne stared, an uneasy feeling crept across his skin.

Reviews

[Strigoikillerr]

Great introduction to the story. I really love the setting that you have described with the playful-dark-sexy-carnival atmosphere. That multiple combo has a lot of good things going on and will really draw the readers in from the get go. Carnivals always give me the creeps for some reason, and with this first chapter, I just have a feeling that something dark and twisted is about to happen O.o

I really like the playful attitude between Rayne and Ari. Ari seems like a fun character so far and likes to be really spontaneous and adventurous. Rayne seems a bit more cautious and reserved, which really balances out the couple nicely.

Your descriptions in this chapter are spot on and very detailed. As a reader, I can really imagine what Ari and Rayne look like based on your use of imagery. Really great stuff! Also, I love the names Ari and Rayne :)

One suggestion I have, (and this is just my opinion--you don't have to change anything because it's really great so far) I would think about adding a transition sentence between the love scene with Ari and Rayne... and then when Ari is asleep. As a reader, it's a little confusing because it almost seems as if the scene abruptly changes and we are left wondering, "Did Ari fall asleep during sexy time?" LOL. Maybe add something like.... "Later that night..." or even a few * * *s to let the reader know the scene changed.


Other than that, really great first chapter! Can't wait to read more!!! :)
98/100

[Ania L]

Agree with the other reviews, I can't offer much more, except for the fact I thought it was easy to read, enjoyable and want to read more.

[Shay]

So far so good. I like the story you're building. Mostly I'm going to give you random musings based on what this chapter made me think as a reader.

The only big concern I have is that since you are so obviously building foreshadowing you're going to have to have one hell of a big reveal. If you don't have something very big and very much NOT a cliche or trope planned I'll be a little disappointed.

You seem to be building a nice normal relationship there between Ari and Rayne (which is great since so many fictional relationships are cliched tropes that don't have much substance), but this makes me afraid that one of them (probably Ari since we're being told from Rayne's point of view) is going to die or be turned into a vampire or something (like I said, one hell of a big reveal). That would be very sad (obviously) but think it would also become a bit of a cliche and might be a missed opportunity to use your talent for writing about a healthy relationship as a writing tool.