II

Ari and Rayne attend the carnival and get an ominous and unsettling fortune.

The smell of coffee and the gentle clang of pans nudged Rayne slowly from his sleep.  Reaching out blindly, he found the place where Ari slept cold and disheveled.  His amber eyes fluttered open then to an empty bed; Ari must have been making breakfast.  He pulled himself into a sitting position and scratched his chest with one hand as he stretched his other arm upward, yawning.  He took care of his normal morning routine--piss, shave, trim, and shower--before shuffling into the kitchen in a tight black t-shirt and camouflage cargo shorts, scrubbing the towel forcefully against his hair before pulling it back into a ponytail.  He draped the towel across his shoulder.

“Morning.”  He chimed.

“S**t” She jumped, raising her middle finger as Rayne laughed. “Good morning to you too, sleeping beauty.”  The smell of bacon and eggs wafted beneath his nose.

“Mmm,” he took in a deep breath, “I love it when you cook me breakfast.”  She turned to him and smiled, sliding a plate across the gray marble countertop towards him and pouring him a cup of coffee.

“Don’t get used to it.”  She kissed him on the cheek and sat down beside of him, a cup of coffee resting between her hands as she propped her elbows on the counter.  “So why so late getting up?”  She questioned.  “You’re normally up when the sun rises.”  He took a bite of his egg and chased it down with a sip of coffee, clearing his throat as he looked at her.

“I was doing research last night” he began, then taking a bite of his bacon.  “On that carnival thing you want to go to.”  He took another sip of coffee.  Her face lit up at mention of the carnival and she scooted closer to him, leaning forward with a whisper.

“What did you find out?”  He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked past her, his eyes glossy and fixed to the chrome fixtures behind her.  He avoided making contact with her excited expression and sighed.

“The whole thing seems kind of weird even to me.  I found this article about it on one of the local event news pages.  They interviewed the guy over the whole thing and they hyped it up really well; but, if it’s supposed to be some grand attraction…why are they only doing it one time?  I-” His voice trailed off as he took another sip of coffee.  “The weirdest thing about it is that this guy is in a full plague doctor outfit, face covered and everything.  Honestly, I felt this overwhelming sense of dread when I looked at the picture of him.”  Ari stared at him, dumbfounded.

“Let me get this straight; my husband, creator of some of the most disturbing creatures to ever grace film and print, is adversely affected by some goon in a plague doctor get up?”  She chuckled and took a sip of her own coffee before placing the cup down on the counter. 

“I know, I know” he sighed, placing his cup beside hers “The idea of it seems ridiculous but I’m telling you I don’t have a good feeling about any of it.  Something seems off.”  Ari sighed and stood, positioning herself behind him and wrapping her arms around his neck.  She kissed his neck and nuzzled against him.

“Everything is going to be fine.  It’s just a carnival that is supposed to give you the creeps.  So far, it’s doing the job well.”  She sighed and planted a kiss on his cheek, “Really, it’s just a carnival.”  She stood and walked out of the room.  He heard the shower spring to life and as the droning sound of falling water echoed through the house he dropped his head and sighed.  Stirring his now lukewarm coffee with his finger he mumbled.

“Yeah, just a carnival.”

The rest of the week ticked slowly by, the dread that Rayne felt growing heavier and heavier as Friday, the first day of the carnival, approached.  He couldn’t wrap his head around why he felt the way he did; but, as a man of his word he was committed to taking his wife to something they could both hopefully enjoy.  He decided to take Ari’s suggestion and leave work alone for while, taking his time to sketch out some of his feelings in order to keep them at bay.  Ari busted through the door at a quarter past six, frantically shedding everything she had on as she entered the living room.

“Damn” Rayne quipped, looking over his sketchpad “Where’s the fire?”  Ari’s green eyes pierced him as she squinted angrily in his direction, kicking off her remaining shoe as she struggled from her pants.

“Late customers means late getting home, late getting home-” She struggled out of her long sleeve t-shirt, “late getting home means late getting to the carnival.  Oh don’t roll your eyes at me mister.”  Rayne dropped his sketch pad and lifted his hands as if surrendering to her malice.  He chuckled as she dashed naked into the bedroom, the sound of drawers opening and slamming shut.  He pushed himself from the black suede couch and grabbed his car keys from the round glass coffee table before him.  He grabbed his jacket from the closet in the foyer and maneuvered into it, leaning against the wall to wait for Ari.  She bolted out of the bedroom and back into the living room, passing him in the hallway without noticing. 

“Rayne where the hell ar-” She turned, his hand outstretched with the keys dangling from his forefinger, a large grin plastered across his face.  “Oh, there you are.  Ready?”  Rayne shrugged.

“I’m still a little apprehensive about all of this, but I’m as ready as I’ll ever be I guess.”  Ari frowned and strutted towards him, her curves accentuated by her tight leather pants and stunning white bodice.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his lips lightly.

“Please don’t be a killjoy, Sweetie.  Remember what I said?  It’s…”

“Just a carnival.” He finished.  “I know.  Now let’s get there before your head explodes.”  He cringed as she punched him in the shoulder but smiled at him as he opened the door for her.  As they buckled themselves in, Rayne leaned his head against the steering wheel of his crimson SUV. 

“You okay?” Concern coated Ari’s words.

“You know the only reason I am doing this is because I gave you my word, right?”  He said, keeping his head on the steering wheel but turning to face her.  The corner of her mouth fell into a small frown as she rolled her eyes and looked out of her passenger window.

“I don’t know why you’re being so dramatic over this.”

“Dramatic?” Rayne seethed, sitting upright and gripping the steering wheel.  “I am not being dramatic.  I don’t understand why, but my gut tells me to get my a*s out of this car and go back inside.”

“Then why the hell aren’t you?” Ari snapped back, her eyes were burning him like fire.  Rayne softened his gaze and put his hand on her shoulder.

“Because, I made a promise to my wife…and I never break my promises.”  She looked to him as he smiled his signature, crooked smile and she smiled in return. 

“You’re so sweet.”  Her hand lifted to graze his cheek and she leaned in slowly to him; but instead of kissing him on the lips, she grabbed his chin and shook his head playfully.  “Now quit bitching and let’s get this show on the road!”  Rayne rolled his eyes and let out a lighthearted chuckle as the car roared to life.  They backed down the driveway and down the dark street they went.

A trip that would have normally taken half an hour took twice that.  The roads were congested with traffic as cars waited to be parked by unenthusiastic looking parking lot attendants, and as people slowed to read signs of Christian protesters standing just outside the fairground gates.  Above the car horns and curses being belted from the drivers behind them, who obviously weren’t in line for the same reason as they were, the droning chatter and carnival music could be heard pouring ominously from within the grounds.  Their parking space, to Ari’s dismay, was far away from the entrance to the carnival but Rayne was glad for it as it would give him time to prep himself and calm his nerves.  As they walked hand in hand, Ari’s thumb gently rubbed the top of his hand; a comforting gesture she used when she knew he was nervous or upset.  They approached a slow moving line which allowed Rayne to survey the scene past the ticket booth.  Within the carnival were numerous black tents, each bordered by the same red embroidery but with different signs in front of them.  Strands of lights were draped from tent to tent, giving the whole thing an eerie luminance.  The people within, as well as the people before them, looked relatively normal to his surprise; of course, the rest of the freaks were probably waiting until Halloween to enjoy the moment.

“Rayne, we’re up!”  Ari pulled him from his entranced observation and pulled him towards the ticket booth.  The gentleman inside was aged and rugged, his face resembling the bark of an ancient oak in the midst of a dying forest.  His eyes were grey and heavy with exhaustion, sadness even; but his cheeks were painted a rosy pink and he was dressed in a tuxedo.

“I.D.’s please” The man spoke, his voice was gravelly.  A tinge of foreboding crept back into Rayne’s stomach, but he pushed it away as they showed their identification.  “That will be forty dollars.”  He held out his weathered hand as Rayne fished for his money and slowly wrapped his fingers around the two crisp twenties handed to him.  A buzzer sounded and the gates opened; the old man handed them a pamphlet and motioned for them to enter.  “Enjoy your evening.”

Ari walked fast ahead of him and Rayne struggled to keep up as he replaced his wallet.  “Will you wait a second?”

“Come on, slowpoke.” She chirped excitedly, grinning back at him.  Rayne finally caught up to her and grabbed her arm lightly.

“Something seemed off about that guy.  He seemed, burdened…sad.”  Ari rolled her eyes as she opened the pamphlet.

“You’re paranoid honey.”  She whispered to herself as she read the itinerary and then looked up excitedly.  “There is the opening stage show at nine.  That gives us an hour to browse the shops and other places.”  Her face was bright with excitement as she looked around.  “Oh look!” she said gripping Rayne’s upper arm tightly, pointing towards a nearby tent.  Rayne looked towards the tent, a gentle flickering light coming from inside.  The sign in front read “Lady Sheba:  Receive your night’s fortune.”  Ari pulled Rayne toward it, uttering about how psychics were bullshit but it would be fun.  Rayne was barely listening as that feeling of dread returned in the pit of his stomach followed by the rushing of blood in his ears.  Ari pushed the velvet tent’s opening back and stumbled into an otherworldly scene.  All around were candles, books, and skulls.  A raven, that sat perched near the back of the tent cawed and repositioned itself.  Near the center was a round table adorned by a black and purple cloth, a stack of tarot cards, a crystal ball, and a small stone pendulum.  The tent rustled behind the crow and from the velvet abyss came a woman dressed in a dark purple robe, her long alabaster hair falling in curls well past her aged face.  Her hands were intertwined neatly in front of her, an onyx ring adorning her ring finger and her wrists embossed with silver bangles.  One eye was white with blindness and the other was a deep, dark brown…a stark contrast against her grey skin.

“Welcome.”  She said, her voice was a raspy, breathy, and hinted a Romani accent.  She motioned to the two chairs located closest to them.  “Please have a seat.”  They obliged and watched as the woman shuffled to the chair opposite to them.  She sat gently, shaking under the pressure of her own weight, and smiled at them.  Without speaking another word, she stretched her withered hand across the transparent ball, bending her fingers in a mystical dance as if willing a vision to appear.  Her eyes widened and tears began to fall from the milky white pool.

“You must leave.”  She hissed, her voice immersed in worry.  “You must leave now and never return.  You are in grave danger!”  Her body went limp and silence flushed across the tent.  Her breaths were erratic and wheezing as she came to and without speaking a word, she stood and vanished back into the folds of the tent.  As they entered the midway once more, Ari doubled over in laughter.

“I’ve got to hand it to the old broad; she sure does know how to pack it on thick.”  She wiped a laughter stricken tear from her face.  “What a load of bullshit.”  Rayne let out a stifled, uncomfortable chuckle as he walked a little slower behind his Wife.  Beneath his breath he whispered.

“I hope you’re right about that one.”

Reviews

[Strigoikillerr]

Another great chapter. It honestly reads like a book on a Barnes and Noble bookshelf. You will have no problem getting this published, my friend. Hard part is just writing it :)

This part made me laugh :P
“Let me get this straight; my husband, creator of some of the most disturbing creatures to ever grace film and print, is adversely affected by some goon in a plague doctor get up?”

Once again, descriptions are great. You really pay attention to details, and I love that. Usually when I read other people's work, I try to make mental notes on things I liked and things to improve on.. if any..... and honestly, I became so absorbed in your story I completely forgot about doing that. :) Just a testament to your writing.


More please?! :D

[Shay]

Again, random musings. Just take it all with a grain of salt.

I'm pretty impressed with your use of dialog. Its very realistic! For example, “Late customers means late getting home, late getting home-” She struggled out of her long sleeve t-shirt, “late getting home means late getting to the carnival. Oh don’t roll your eyes at me mister.” When in a hurry you'd definitely repeat whatever you were saying when you interrupt yourself (late getting home) and you are using figures of speech (e.g. Where's the fire?) in multiple places successfully without trying too hard or dating your writing with unnecessary pop culture references.

One thing that bugs me is that there needs to be a more definitive break between scenes. Like when you go from breakfast to rushing in the door to get ready for the carnival and only have a paragraph break to segue from one to the other its a little disorienting (you did the same thing in the last chapter going from sexy time to sleep). I'd split it up with a line of ******* or something to visually break the scene. Remember that writing is a visual art and that if you want it to be read the way that you intend you have to signal pauses and changes in the train of thought or the reader is going to have a hard time following you.

Another thing is that your lead character is unusually observant and vocally so. For example, "Something seemed off about that guy. He seemed, burdened…sad." Its one thing for a person to notice something like that but most people won't mention it or if they do it will be something like "I wonder what that guy's problem is" or "That guy seems to be having a bad night" or something. Since you are already telling the story from Rayne's point of view you can make observations about the characters and settings as Rayne would make them without having to include them in dialog. The whole paragraph reads without a hint of the ticket guy's burdened sadness and then Rayne says something? It just makes it read like he's whining and trying to come up with a reason to leave which seems against his character so far (to me).

Again you are painting it on pretty thick with the foreboding. You're drawing out the suspense, sure, but you want to be careful that it doesn't approach the cliched.

Last thing, you're moving SOOOO fast! At this rate the story feels like it will be over and done with in just a few more chapters! Don't be afraid to build on the world a bit and describe things. For example, upon entering the carnival we should have heard about all the general decor, what kind of crowd was there, some basic descriptions of the other booths, etcs. Instead we go straight to the psychic's booth and don't know anything about the other stuff! Half the fun of reading is world building in the imagination and we don't really get to do that here. Slow down! You're going from plot event to plot event without building on the exposition and its making the story fall a little flat (SORRY!).

[Adam Osborne]

Points noted. Thank you so much for your detailed review. I'm going back to add more details to this chapter and the previous chapter, and change a bit of the dialogue around. I've always been afraid of adding TOO much detail between plot events as it has been the most complained about thing in my writing; Normally, I write in as much detail as I can. As far as the moving fast thing: Yes, I've noticed I am moving a bit fast (will fix that within the next day or say and reupload); however, starting from the fourth chapter onward there are more characters introduced and the story takes on a few twists and turns that no one would expect. At any rate, I do notice that the speed of the story is a bit fast. Thanks again for pointing some stuff out for me. I will make change within the next day or so and see if I can't draw the story out more and eliminate some of the whining Rayne is doing. By the way, not necessarily a spoiler but Ari doesn't die ;)

[Shay]

YAY! Yeah I didn't really want to say whining, but in real life you wouldn't voice every single thing like he has been.

[Adam Osborne]

Yeah, looking back I can see how he can come off as whiney and just blegh. :)