My Dick Wrote a Poem

My Dick Wrote a Poem

A Poem by Brjden (Bridge-Den) Crewe

So here's to my boss. I love you, you're my best friend, you're the master. So take the pen and give the people you're story......



"To deny our own impulses,

is to deny the very thing that makes us human!"                                              

                - Mouse from the movie "The Matrix"



My Dick Wrote a Poem


by Obie Wang Kenobi



How am I hanging?........ 

              LOW & LAZY

And this constant isolation is driving me crazy!

I know it's for my own safety

But I need a new mate or at least get "Handelle"

up there to come play with me!


BUT WAIT......

Im starting to feel warm

and my anatomy swells

I sense the damp air of estrogen,

I know the scent well!






P***Y I SMELL?!??!


I can tell because my reproductive gel 

Starts to leak like a bottomless pail


Wait!....What did she say?

Make her say it again!

It sounded like she said

"Bridgey, why dont you come on in."


And I feel my veins

send blood UP from my testes

and directly to my brain


We BOTH go into her place and I catch a case of vertigo

Knowing soon after the show, he'd be rounding 3rd base

And I literally can't wait, she had her stupid 2nd date!

So I message Dummy, I mean Bridgey, to speed up the pace!!


My telekinesis screams

“Tell her whatever

         she wants to hear!”

Get her a beer or two, or six until her nudity appears!

Recite a love poem or something  in the warmth of  her ear! 

Just do whatever you have to do to bring her attention down here!!


Now I'm starting feeling tight, and I'm tripled in height!

And my head's "rim" inflates like the wheels on a bike


his pants ain't see through

Although I stained em up a bit, I need to get a preview!


So I try to bust through them....

                & push my head high

Then I feel Bridgey's hand

         lay me down on his thigh

What the hell, Bridgey?

I hope you aint forgot who's the boss!

I'm Michael Jackson, youre Tito!

The testies are Diana Ross!


I control you!

And I rule us with an Iron Fist!!!

I'm the star, the brains,

and the dick in this dictatorship!

So quit, f*****g around

and lets get to f*****g her now

Cause I'm f*****g tired of nights with just some Jergens and a towel!



I feel us go to sit down and hear incoherent sounds, but I assume “Dummy” is going into his whole. "passive aggressive, cool, I'm not gonna act like I really want to have sex with you, thus luring YOU into making the first move by talking smooth and slightly ignoring you which makes you want us even more, brooding divorcee tortured artistic soul, seductive”  thing now


So then I try to stand,

but his pants got me tucked in and

I'm too stiff to worm my way back to.........wait......wait.......


the zipper's moving!.........Oh Yes!!!


Someone takes me out of these pants,

but I can't see s**t!!



I feel an unfamiliar hand softly petting my skin

And it feels so good, that I start leaking again!

Her hand, is so soft and especially small

but for all  I care,



I hear her say "Lay back", and so Bridgey abides

Though I, with all my pride stand very hard and high


I feel her lip's kiss,

and her tongue give me a lick

I'm now the rope in a "Tug of War" between her lips and Dummys pelvis



I'm....wet as fish, but bathed within her kiss for 10 minutes or so, now I need to simply finish, so pass the Kleenex or get that rubber outfit so I can “go” & leave you two silly, love birds alone


Oh good! The rubber outfit; this'll just take a minute

But something's pulling at my feet telling me not to give it


All of a sudden,

      now I'm in it!

Its the washing machine!!!!!

Now we're jumping like a bungeed, underwater trampoline!


Up , Down, Up & Down!......It feels so good!

Round, round, round & round,

                            it feels like it should

Like a tight, pillow-like room....and I really wanna shoot

Five minutes later, I do "IT",

                 And Bridgey takes off the suit


I'm breathing hard now and shrinking,

                 and I need dry off

I feel satisfied and tired so I'm about to sign off

I ain't with all the talk, so this is where it will end



I said, "Thanks, and go tell a friend!"




© 2013 Brjden (Bridge-Den) Crewe

Author's Note

Brjden (Bridge-Den) Crewe
This poem in no way represents the thoughts, feelings, and agreements with Bridgey Crewe and all of his affiliates. I never took this piece that seriously until the response to it. Then I started revising and I'm(or we) are going to try and make it as poetically intelligent as possible without losing the humor of it. I really wanted to convey the "control" aspect of his personality. Somewhat of a Napoleon complex, yet they do control most men both directly and indirectly.....
Tons of revisions are to be made, so just have fun with it right now.......

My Review

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Featured Review

LMAO... this was partially inspired by SuperBad? I was JUST watching that this weekend as well. You're totally my soulmate.
How I love thee, let me count the ways...
Anywho, getting back on task:
I can not stop laughing.
This was truly a unique piece. The perspective is insanely funny to me.
Girls couldn't really write a piece such as this, you think? Yeah, well, probably just not this girl. LOL.
And you wonder why I call you brilliant. It's simply because you are. I have a firm belief that this could have been so vulgar, but it's not, it's just insanely funny. A Day in the Life...
(the washing machine -- priceless!)

Posted 12 Years Ago

2 of 2 people found this review constructive.


Porn... a form of art, what made all those people make naked art in the first place? LOL You just said it, and me being a female, does not know what the male goes through in times like these, so it gave me some insight at least! lol It's ok to take inspiration from something, anything to write a poem, it's what God gives you, and alas, women know what men go through! So on the behalf of your friend I give him thanks for giving you the inspiration to write this poem a little room to breath... lol ks

Posted 12 Years Ago

Your F*****g killing I laughted my a*s off!!
Is that what the dick whether or not. I thought you brought something new to the table.
What can I say. I'm a girl and I found this very Freaking hilarious!

Much love n respect,

Keep them coming...

Posted 12 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

just hilarious. No way to tell you how funny I thought this was!
I could just say what I've said about all your other poems, love the wordplay.
I especially love how this wasn't crude an obscene like I expected it to be by the title. It was actually subtle enough that I didn't have to turn my head to finish reading. I love it. Great, great job.

Posted 12 Years Ago

Diamond-hard stylus stylin' -- does your dick work on giant "High Fidelity" vinyl too? ;-)

This great fun goof reminds me of Woody Allen's "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex" redone by Richard Pryor.

And I concur with a comment below -- would make a great comic!


Posted 12 Years Ago

I really don't know what to say... Very unique

Posted 12 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I am wondering where you got that much ink for your dick to write this poem? NIce write.

Posted 12 Years Ago

LQTM! Time to step my game up! Awesome piece!

Posted 12 Years Ago

too funny!!! Like your style kid. keep it up. LOL

Posted 12 Years Ago

I am laughing my motherf-ck*ng a*s off!! That is so how I would imagine the dick speaking. The man in question trying to keep it chill, but the dick has other things on it's 'mind'. Penises are so full of themselves... lol.

Posted 12 Years Ago

lol...interesting...i love the "different" point of view

Posted 12 Years Ago

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51 Reviews
Shelved in 3 Libraries
Added on January 24, 2009
Last Updated on April 28, 2013


Brjden (Bridge-Den) Crewe
Brjden (Bridge-Den) Crewe

Windy to Sin City

My name is Brjden Crewe from Chicago, living in Vegas now part time. I'm officially bi-coastal(somewhat). I do freelance music and movies reviews for a few nameless magazines and I regularly recite sp.. more..