Chapter 1: Flames!

It was a dark and raining as Katquisha hastily made her way to the local library.  

 

After placing her wet polka dot umbrella in the holder and her long black trench coat on an available hook, she excitedly made a bee-line toward the aisle marked "Fiction".  "Neal Shusterman, Veronica Roth, Stephen King, Rick Riordian!"  She squealed as she grabbed his latest books and sat down in the less occupied section of the library.  

Katquisha was halfway into the book "UnWholly", when she decided to take a break.  Her eyes wandered around the library and she noticed that across from her sat a young man that was most likely around her age.  He had black hair and wore a button up shirt with black dress pants and a belt. The navy blue leather jacket covering the blue button up.

 

Curious Katquisha nudged the guy's elbow trying to get his attention.  The boy continued reading his enormous book.  Katquisha nudged again and still no reaction was given.  

 

This really irritated Katquisha so she decided to go back to the bookshelves and look or the largest book she could find.  Indecision took a hold of her as she held a Harry Potter book in her left hand and a Lord of the Rings book in her right hand.  

 

Then she saw it. 

 

The complete Miss Marple or also known as the world’s thickest book with four thousand and thirty two pages and packed with detective adventures. 

 

She squealed in delight.  

 

However, there was a slight problem.  The five pound book was located on the top shelf, out of her reach.  Some of her excitement dissipated and was replaced with dread.  She would have to use the object she hated the most to get to the book, the bloody ladder.  

 

Gulping, she retrieved the tall ladder and begun her climb to the top.  

 

1, 3, 6, 10, 20, 30, 50 rungs she passed and at the 62nd rung, she stopped. 

 

Her eyes widened as she marveled at the glorious book.  The book had a Emerald tint and was made of sturdy leather.  She just wanted to run her fingers over the perfect seam and smell the amazing book aroma she knew it would have.  

Then it happened.  

She was reaching for the book when the unstable ladder wobbled, creaked, and snapped.  Quickly, she launched herself onto the bookshelf, but the bookshelf also began to wobble.  "WHY?"  She yelled as the bookshelf collided with the one in front of it, which collided with the one in front of it and so on; it was a domino effect.  "Oh no" Katquisha thought as she realized the course of destruction.  The bookshelves were headed in the strange guy's direction.  

"WATCH OUT!"  She screamed to the man, but it was too late.  The last bookshelf was already falling and he didn't have time to move out of the way.  It fell on top of him with a loud crash.  

 

All was quiet.  

 

The silence that surrounded her was too much to bear.  Tears welled up in Katquisha's eyes as she let go of the fallen bookshelf she had clung to. 

Shivers ran through her spine.  She had killed a man.  "I...I...I only wanted the book.  This...This wasn't supposed to happen."  Seventeen year old Katquisha said to no one, her voice cracking. 

 

She couldn't look at the damage anymore.  She sobbed, burying her head in her knees.  

 

Sometime later there was a blinding white light, the sound of an explosion and then a drastic change in temperature.  Confused and fearful, Katquisha made herself look up.  The bookshelf that had crushed the young man was in flames.  Precious book pages were scattered everywhere in ashes.  The flames diminished and a figure walked out of the smoke.  It was him.  He was alive?!  Katquisha stared at his smiling face.  

 

"What are you?"  She asked, relieved and horrified.  

Reviews

[Dutch Jr.]

Pretty nice idea you got going here. You opened up the story, albeit your descriptions of the things around you were a little bland.

You didn't really set up any kind of mood for this chapter; you just described how things looked. In order to completely engage the reader into the story, you must account for the other senses. Place your reader in the library with Katquisha.

[Kianna]

Dear Cassandra Lee,

There's so many ways this could be made better I have to admit. Let's start from the very beginning. This sentence, "It was a dark and raining as Katquisha hastily made her way to the local library," for example could be made to say, "the rain splattered over Katquisha's polka dot Mom bought for her sixteenth birthday" or maybe "Thunder ripped across the sky, but it would not daunt Katquisha from vising her favorite place after school." Something not so cliche Maybe even go for, "Katquisha walked to the worn old library, even as the rain splattered against her and the lightening whipped across the sky." So much personality could go into that one sentence.

This sentence, "After placing her wet polka dot umbrella in the holder and her long black trench coat on an available hook, she excitedly made a bee-line toward the aisle marked "Fiction"" could be revised a little so that you add some character to this chapter. The main character made a bee line. What did she pass as she made her way to the fiction isle? Did she pass the busy librarian? Perhaps she ignored a friendly hello from the librarian because the main character is mean or snobby. Why would she do that? Or maybe she just didn't hear the librarian because she's so excited to see the books and just doesn't listen very well.

" Her eyes wandered around the library and she noticed that across from her sat a young man that was most likely around her age. He had black hair and wore a button up shirt with black dress pants and a belt. The navy blue leather jacket covering the blue button up." The main character could describe the inside of the library. Is it old, renovated, polished, clean, messy? Has she read most of those books she sees?

I found this sentence and interaction awkward, "Curious Katquisha nudged the guy's elbow trying to get his attention." Nudging someone I figure is a personal thing. I would think she'd do that with someone she knows unless she is just awkward like that. Perhaps have her nervously say hi and the boy just ignores her, subtly or obviously. Have him grunt, frown, or do something that hints he is being bothered while also describing his characteristics since he appears to be a significant character.

"She would have to use the object she hated the most to get to the book, the bloody ladder. Gulping, she retrieved the tall ladder and begun her climb to the top." You could have explained why she disliked the ladder or the creaky noise it made as the main character drug it towards the book she wanted.

I found it odd that a seventeen year old would think she killed somebody. Maybe she thought she injured a man real bad or that she might have a huge fine to pay because of the destruction, but the reaction of thinking she killed somebody made me find her immature. You can just say she looked, curious to see the damage she had done, something simple like that.

Another thing, why was it so silent. I know there had to be people in there. I didn't understand that part. Maybe the main character could have noticed the emptiness as she surveyed her surrounding at the beginning.

I was attracted to the summary and I really liked the ending with the main character asking what are you. I now want to know what he is. He kind of reminds me of a smart Natsu from Fairy Tail haha (been watching that too much.) Anyways, keep writing and hope to see this improved.

Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,

God bless