Dark Laughter

Pleading ignorance is a subject that issues humanity divine hell. Staring at my fingers on the keyboard I sink deeper into my chair. The hard wood back presses against my ribs. Though pain sings down to the bone I remain slouched, shoulders hunched.

Is there a purpose for all this madness? It hibernates within every specter that dwells in the very midst of physical being. I cannot withstand the violation of theory.

Life and death are day and night. I walk in life but only so I avoid death's avenue, but eventually it will swallow me in its dark passage as no one can elude it forever.

Liberate disbelief with belief and perhaps my walls will crumble. Fear attaches to fiction. The fiction spinners create fantasy, embroider lies with far-fetched realms where souls exist and move on.

He…I think he treats me like a plague. Perhaps I am. Maybe that is the reason why no one wants to entertain my little heart's desire. I use to think it was because I was ugly. I use to think it was because I was fat. And this did not generate from my own warped self-image. This came from guys. I wasn't even close to what any of them wanted and maybe that is still the case. Maybe all I am is…a w***e to them.

I just want love like everyone else. I want to have someone hold me and make me feel wanted. I want someone to talk to and have fun with. But that someone will never be.

           

As any normal mortal wandering this plane for a short period of time I seek such a thing from another. Problems arise though faster than water in a clogged toilet. Normally in my case the recipient of this emotion does not return it. In fact it usually is made into a joke at my expense.

But what do you do when you love someone so hard and he doesn't even care to you as a person? How can it not hurt to know he goes out of his way to ignore you? I don't want to go through it again.

Love…the very work demands thoughts and stirs memories. It is not a long word yet it is powerful; a very powerful word that infuses so much more that letters and syllables. I sit here as I usually do and it is like a scorpion's sting.

I loved you. I really did. In such a short amount of time you became someone special. I knew the risks. I wanted to take them, but now I realize it was all for nothing. You proved to me that I was nothing in your life. I never mattered.

How could you abandon me in this place? How could you leave me to suffer like this? Have you ever treated someone this way before?

My heart is in agony from all this pain. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to mean something to you, but I was fooling myself.

I walk this narrow road. In the distance I see a few turns that branch off into more twists. I need to figure out which path to take and as I approach I slow. Can I really take the path on the right and do my best not to look back? Or should I subject my heart to further torture and agony by taking the left path back to…him? He won't accept me, not really anyway, but I still linger on hope's avenue.

Straight ahead darkness cracks a mighty whip. I think that as long as I embrace the fact that life is pain and filled with people eager to enslave you to such a pain…I might be able to develop a thicker skin.

And still I sit. Which path should I take? I don't want to leave him behind though he was the one who abandoned me when I needed him the most. I trusted him with sensitive information and other sordid details I rather omit. Now he has a part of me that I can't retrieve. Now I know better than to latch onto a stranger for comfort.

Still…I am very much alone. I need a friend, but where are they in this perpetual nightmare of heartache? I just can't see myself heading anywhere. It was merely a flash in time and yet it caused so much grief. And there is no escaping the fact he used me. He played me for a fool, took the strings to my heart and…severed them. Now I am detached from everything and everyone.

I just have to retrain my brain and my heart. I have to make it possible to love again and to accept that there will always be people out there who use and abuse others. As crazy as it might sound they eventually gets what coming to them and in the end they will be held accountable for their actions. I am certain. I just wish I wasn't so caring because caring has gotten me into a load of trouble and cost me my happiness.

There are moments I look at myself and truly hate what I see. Never again will I be the person who pursues love. Never again will I fall victim to the predators. And there are a lot of them out there, especially on the internet. I know it is easy to attach emotion to a good looking face, but…looks aren't everything. That may be an outdated term but it is still very true.

Lonely girl, why do you still pine for him? What was so special about him? He broke your heart, used you like a w***e and proved to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. So then I ask again why still hold onto the impossible? Why still cling to a dream that will never be fulfilled?